The recent legislation coming out of the Virginia Legislature mandating women who are seeking an abortion to undergo an invasive and medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasound imaging procedure has made it clear that additional "balancing" legislation is necessary to help ensure that women may go through their lives without the necessity of holding an aspirin between their knees.
It is hereby proposed that young men, just prior to entering puberty, must undergo a procedure which will entail the surgical implantation of steel loops anchored to pelvic and leg bone, strategically placed around their genitalia which will then enable the installation of a locking mechanism attached to an encasement that will contain said genitalia to preclude the possibility of their partaking in casual and non-procreative sexual activity. It is recommended that this procedure be made a part of a family ritual or celebration similar to a bris or more appropriately, a bar mitzvah to make it less onerous and frightening to the prepubescent lads.
These encasements will be electronically monitored; all public restrooms and private bathrooms will have installed, by properly trained and licensed contractors, electronic unlocking devices which will allow encased individuals to answer the call to void their bladders and/or bowels, and, if so inclined, to take a periodic shower or bath. As noted these devices will be monitored and each unlocking will be timed a predetermined number of minutes to accommodate these activities prior
to the triggering of highly audible warning signals, and/or perhaps intermittent electrical reminder jolts emanating from the implanted loops.
In the event an individual intends to partake in procreative sexual activity, said intention must be made known to a monitoring agency, the Preventive Erotica Quelling Registry or PEQR, designated solely for this purpose. The encased's name and the identity of the intended fellow procreator must be on file and preapproved by said agency at least 30 days in advance of any procreative activity. The date and time for this activity must be preset to allow an agency monitor to activate the unlocking of the encasement. An adequate amount of time will be allotted for these assignations; say, 5 to 7 minutes, to allow for the satisfactory consummation of the activity, at the end of which the above noted audio signals and electric jolts will ensue.
Article comments
1 - baritone
Boy, this has certainly raised a veritable fire storm of discussion. Woohoo!
2 - Glenn Contrarian
Baritone -
Don'tcha know that the BC conservatives are too busy raising hell about the need for 'small government' to pay attention to something so trivial as requiring medically-unnecessary ultrasounds and recommending aspirins for knees that aren't having any pain?
3 - baritone
Actually, over the years I've found that most BC politics writers and commenters are largely a humorless lot. And often what passes for humor amongst many of the Rightys is more or less on the level of Foster Friess' Bayer Aspirin "joke." Anything even remotely witty generally passes right over them.
4 - El Bicho
The aspirin joke is funny, but it should be told at happy hour, not on cable TV during a discussion about contraception.
5 - Glenn Contrarian
Baritone -
If you want a few laughs, listen to Stephanie Miller online (if you can't get a local progressive station). She almost always gets a belly laugh from me at some point in her show.
6 - baritone
Indianapolis and progressive radio are as polar opposites.
7 - baritone
Ahhh me. Gone are the days when you could belch & fart here in the pol section and come away with a hundred comments.
8 - Glenn Contrarian
b-tone -
Since I'm not intelligent enough to learn from you posting an article that didn't get 100+ comments, I've submitted an article that should get the same number or less - if the editors have taste poor enough to allow it. I'll give you one hint - Rick Santorum.