With the election of 2008 already days behind us, it’s time to shift our focus to the election of 2012. The main order of business now is to rid the Republican Party of the few remaining moderates who stand in the way of party unity and party purity.
Sarah Palin has already proven that she can simultaneously be a uniter and a divider. Among her many God-given talents is her uncanny ability to exhibit a cheerful, sunny, Reagan-like disposition while channeling the hatred that the Almighty feels for gays and liberals and socialists and terrorists and immigrants and abortionists and women who get abortions and Democrats and moderates. She will divide the Republicans by uniting the base. (By “the base” I mean the core of the party - Evangelicals and other individuals with superior moral values - not “base” in the sense of being crass or vulgar.)
Sarah will also end whatever wars we are engaged in and will fight evil-doers around the world instead with a series of Crusades. I know that I speak for all real Americans when I say that I would be much more inspired to support the endless loss of life and continual destruction required to rid the world of terrorists and druggies and poor people if such actions were referred to as the Crusade Against Terror, the Crusade Against Drugs, and the Crusade Against Poverty.
The cost of these Crusades can be kept to a minimum by utilizing the synergies between and among them. We could enlist poor people to fight the terrorists. (Okay, I’ll admit we already do that to some extent, but we need to enlarge and extend our efforts.) When they die by the thousands, voila - we have reduced poverty.
Likewise, with the drug abusers. We can entice them to join the armed forces of this great nation of ours by shifting the focus of the “don’t ask - don’t tell” policy from homosexuality to drug use. Of course, I do not condone drug use (other than alcohol, cigarettes, and prescription drugs legally obtained by paying for doctor visits), but the trade-offs in this case make it worth it. First of all, while illicit drug use offends Our Heavenly Father, He gets much angrier at the mere thought of homosexual activity. And now that gays are pushing to violate the sanctity of marriage by making life-long commitments to one another we really need to have a Crusade Against Homosexuality. We obviously can’t allow gays to serve in the military during such a crusade.