John Kerry is coatless, circling a small stage like an inmate in solitary, talking to himself like Hamlet: "This administration... this president... this White House..." I am watching him on C-Span. I'm concerned. He looks haggard already. It's only March.
David Wade, do your job. Your guy is all over the place. Execute a clean bitch slap and sit his ass down on a short chair. Add duct tape and a gag. Walk over to the VCR. Pop in a tape of his latest town meeting. "John," you say, "did Howard steal your coat? Because it'll be down to his knees.
"Mr. Kerry, the American people don't want a shirtsleeve president. The last thing we want is a one-man band. We want a president who can lead. At a minimum that takes eye contact. You have got to stop talking to yourself, John. Lift up your head. The floor doesn't vote.
"You've done a fine job bashing President Bush, but you're beginning to sound like my neighbor. People love to grouse, but they hate to listen to it.
"If you want to be president, separate the issues from topics. Same sex marriage is a topic; civil rights, an issue. Address issues not with complaints, but solutions. Don't whine, don't blame: if you do it now, you'll do it when you're president. We don't want to hear about 'the congress' this and 'the republicans' that. Smite them.
"In talking policy, never forget that Americans live on credit. If we don't like our bill, we go bankrupt, start over. We get by on good looks. If we don't like our looks, we have surgery. If we don't like our problems, we ignore them. If our leaders ignore them too, everything's peachy.
"But we don't hire leaders who like to noodle out the giant problems in public — deficits, tax hikes, social security, health care. You can't solve that stuff, you can only shake your head and fall asleep. Leaders like that are destined for subcommittees.