News & Commentary: Tomorrow's News Yesterday

You realize that it's getting more and more difficult to come up with a title for this stuff. I don't want to fall into that journalistic black hole of making things up--one shudders to think one would be compared to the old fart-clowns at "60 Minutes."

Perhaps, in time, I'll know what I'm writing about and it'll all become clear.

Or not.

Tuskaloosa, December 19, 2006

• You'll read it here first if you first read it here:  Vice President Dick Cheney will be called to testify on behalf of his former chief of staff in the CIA leak case.  It's being call historic because it is; no sitting VP has ever had to testify in a case, perhaps because no sitting VP ever had enough power to do anything this wrong.  Cheney's staff say's he's going to cooperate, and he's not going to be armed.  You gotta take that last part with a gram of salt.  Dick Cheney going unarmed, anywhere.  Hell, that'd be like Charlie Sheen going around without his prick, Dick.  But this is important nonetheless.  It's America at work.  Me, I'm going to an Oscar Meyer factory to watch them make sausages.

• Scientists have discovered at least 52 new species of animals and plants on the southeast Asian island of Borneo since 2005, including a catfish with protruding teeth and suction cups on its belly to help it stick to rocks.  Excuse me, but this is news?  Big deal.  Five more & they can make a Heinz product.  And I can see 52 new varieties of humans ever time I take the Metro.  Give us a break.  Fill the paper with useful stuff if you're going to fill it.

• The cliffhanger episode to last season's "House"?  He gets shot, the fix his leg, he goes delerious, and he's a changed person...for a while.  What?  This isn't news?  For those who missed the episodes, it certainly is.  Don't be so damn snooty.  No everyone has TIVO.

• More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. The high rates extend even to women born in the 1940s, challenging perceptions that people were more chaste in the past.  Hell, if they were chased more in the past, they'd be too tired to have sex.  Anyone knows that.  Like this is a big deal?  I want to know about that one out of 10.  Besides Mormons, who could they be?  Inquiring minds want to know.

• The FDA decided to change the labels of over-the-counter painkillers to warn people of the dangers.  Whoa.  Now this is news, boys and girls.  And maybe soon, the FDA will start testing the other over-the-counter faux cures for cancer, baldness, fatness, linguine, and bananas.  The biggest medical fraud in the world are those over-the-counter vitamin and mineral supplements, testing on one rat in Slovakia, and sold to Americans (not the brightest bulbs in the nursery) in packets of one billion.  Sheesh.  Get the lead out, FDA.

• Obvious But Not Obsequious Department:  Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called on Palestinians to end violence and look into forming a government that wins international acceptance. "The violence needs to stop," she said. "We hope that there will in fact be a ceasefire between the parties, that is very important."  Interesting choice of words, "very important," not "critical," "mandatory," "essential," but "very important."  Wonder what's critical for her.  I love the way she does her hair.  I'm sure the Palestinian lunatics on both sides are slapping themselves on the side of their heads going, "Oy, who'd a thunk that vas all it took?  Dat's one smart, cookie, dat Connie."

And so we come to the end of another powerful learning experience for you, my dear reader.  Next time, I'll spill the beans on the final episode of friends.  And remember...

Article Author: Mark Schannon

Crisis/risk/issues management and communications and PR consultant, free-lance writer, aspiring pundit and author. Blogcritics.org asst. ed, politics. Wanted to set world on fire, but bride won't let me play with matches, so I'm counting on upcoming, …

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