Forget about the stupid title. It's to keep one of the other editors happy, and, as a journalist, I believe it's my role in life to spread happiness throughout my readers. Sue me.
Dateline: Sans Souci, 27 December 2006
- Somebody's Messin' With My Head: Sadam Hussein, just sentenced to swing within the next 30 days for some of the most hideous crimes against humanity, today urged Iraqis to embrace "brotherly coexistence" and not to hate U.S.-led foreign troops in a goodbye letter posted on a Web site. This is so like Sadam, the soft, caring side that so few ever saw. I bet Idi Amin wished he had written the same kind of message to the people of Uganda - at least the ones he hadn't eaten. They say Stalin loved abandoned squirrels - with a beurre blanc sauce. Who writes this shit?
- This Is Important, Breaking, Unsuspected News: John Edwards, former Senator from some Southern state and running mate to... shit, I don't have time to google... Anyway, Edwards announced a day early that he's running for President. He didn't mean to go public today; it seems his campaign turned on his election website a day early. Ooops. According to AP reports less than one hour ago, "the slip-up gave an unintended double-meaning to his campaign slogan on the John Edwards '08 website: "Tomorrow begins today.'" Don't you just hate it when a candidate's first move is to step on his... manhood?
- It's Gotta Be A Slow News Day: From Brazil comes news of a new health scare ruining the lives of young girls. In a country struggling to feed its hungry, its poor, its homeless, there's a rash of anorexia busting out all over, so to speak. In the past couple of weeks, four young girls died of the... what the hell is it, a psychosis, a syndrome, a cult thing... whatever. This despite the fact that most Brazilians have to scrounge for food. O.k., this is a non-problem if this reporter ever heard one. Put a list of the anorexics on the internet, and then the hungry can hang around outside their back doors and get great foods. Win-win. Hell, I should run for president.
- It's Just A Matter of Time Before the Next Flood From Him: Life is hard enough for most folk, so what do the wizards of Silicone Valley offer - something called Second Life, where you create an avatar (kind of an on-line Barbi doll) and then just wander around clueless just like you are in your real life. "It's a way of interacting with other people," says PC Magazine. What in the name of Miranda are these people up to? Interact with other people? What the hell do you think is going on outside your window, dimwit. And imagine you're in your second life, and your shithead boss just fires you. You wander home, hoping for some TLC from your wife, who announces she's running away with the milkman. (Somebody wanted to be a milkman on the site.)
So, you're no doubt wondering how your intrepid reporter can keep this up day after day. So is he. We're gonna have a talk with management about a significiant increase in my salary. (Hey, anything more than zero is significant.)
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Article comments
1 - D'oh
Sounds like you need these, Mark.
2 - Mark Schannon
Whoa. I like the getting the money stuff, but guns don't kill people, bullets kill people. Personally, modern rock has evolved far beyond my 60's ears and brain circuitry...but i appreciate the thought.
In Jameson Veritas
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
Woo! Bullets and Jameson! How'd I miss this one?
Do you do other requests?
In Chocolate Orange Veritas