News and Commentary: The Day's News Today Rather Than Yesterday

As there is every day, there was news today. But nobody wants to read lengthy papers on why some sick Senator-elect is going to throw the Senate into a tizzy because a Republican governor will appoint a Republican which will make the Senate 50/50. BORING.
I think I've found a seclusion... I mean solution.

• The incoming Democratic-led U.S. Congress intends to give a hand to dishwashers, fast-food cooks and America's other poorest-paid workers by raising the federal minimum wage for the first time in a decade. Over the next two years, these poor, deprived illegal aliens will see their salaries go up by almost 50%. 50%. Like I ever saw a raise like that. To $7.25 per hour from $5.15 per hour, or about $13,920. No wonder our borders are so porous. And don't you just love the Democrats? They really do care.

• A sweeping police inquiry on Thursday ruled out a murder conspiracy in Princess Diana's death, saying the chauffeur in the 1997 car crash was drunk and driving at a high speed to elude pursuing photographers. First of all, who's this Diana chick and was she cute? Second, seems to me if some moron is drunk and driving like a... well, like a drunken Brit, and then somebody dies, that's the moral equivalent of murder.

• 2,500 mallard ducks have died along a creek in southeastern Idaho and puzzled wildlife officials don't have a clue what killed them. First of all, boys, what were they doing along the creek? Was it some nefarious Duck Coven meeting to deny humans their rightful fois gras? Who owned the creek? Was it polluted? Was it, like, the family outhouse? I mean we are talking about Idaho here.

• South Korea's Ban Ki-moon was sworn in as the next UN secretary general at a General Assembly ceremony during which he vowed to be "a harmonizer and bridge-builder" and build on the legacy of the incumbent, Kofi Annan. I sure hope he's not related to Sun Young Moon or whatever that loony's name is. And if he's as good a harmonizer and bridge-builder as Kofi Annan, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye, kids.

• Whack-a-mole, Jewish style cuts HIV infections in half. Experts cautioned that circumcision is no cure-all. It only lessens the chances that a man will contract AIDS from heterosexual sex. Duh. Somebody cuts off a large part of your... you know what, there's less room to get the disease. Where your federal dollars go.  Although it does raise the question, purely hypothetical of course, that since the Jews have been bushwhacking, so to speak for 5000+ years... what did they know about HIV and when did they know it?

• Lawmakers are thinking about creating a new, independent bipartisan ethics panel to oversee the House, said intrepid House Speaker to be, Nancy Pelosi. The thinking part concerns your equally intrepid reporter. It presumes sooooo much.  Second, how can you have an independent bipartisan panel made up of House members? Independent from whom? Those who decide what other panels they sit on, what perks they get, what important regions of the planet they get to explore? Weighty times ahead, boys and girls.

• Republican Gov. Mitt Romney, who is weighing a White House bid, dismissed criticism that he has flip-flopped on the issues of gay marriage and abortion and reaffirmed his opposition to both. Look, I can tell you, the guy's no faggot. And he's not a doctor, so he can't perform abortions. And he is a Republican and the biggest problems the Republicans are going to have in 2008 is who's got the right-wing, who's got the center, and who's holding the limp moderates? Exciting.

• In Texas, blind hunters would be able to use laser-sighted rifles to hunt animals, if a bill introduced in the state's legislature is successful. I wonder if Dick Cheney is behind this.

Well, boys and girls, that's about all your intrepid report can stomach for one setting. But keep your eyes on this channel. Maybe next time I'll dig up some real dirt. And remember...

Article Author: Mark Schannon

Crisis/risk/issues management and communications and PR consultant, free-lance writer, aspiring pundit and author. Blogcritics.org asst. ed, politics. Wanted to set world on fire, but bride won't let me play with matches, so I'm counting on upcoming, …

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