A race absolutely alien to God has invaded the land of Christians ... They have circumcised the Christians, either spreading the blood ... on the altars or pouring it into the baptismal fonts.
Thus did Pope Urban II, in the year of our Lord 1095, launch what was to become The First Crusade, the holy war against that race God didn't know — the Muslims who inhabited the sacred, mystical, holy city of Jerusalem — and whose behavior against God-fearing Christians, well, cut to the quick.
Fast forward to Monday, March 30. History repeats itself. But this time, it's not some strange religious entity stealing our manhood, our sacred privates, our foreskin. No, it's America's doctors and parents, aided and abetted by federal and state officials.
As reported by Dan Zak in The Washington Post, a group of fifty dedicated, religious, knife-less men and women marched around the White House, cal
ling for a federal ban on newborn circumcision. Mr. Zak is no doubt one whose willie remains whole. How else to account for his snide and dismissive account of this group's activities? Yet their signs make it clear that they're serious-type people, urging our new president to act with dispatch when it comes to this barbarous act:
WHOSE PENIS?
WHOSE BODY?
WHOSE RIGHTS?
These folks know when to poke it to the man. It's Genital Integrity Awareness Week as well as National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Female circumcision has become a cause celebre, but is it not time for an upwelling of support for men? Actually, newborn male-type babies. Who will speak up for their rights?
For 914 years, good people have spoken out against this mutilation of a man's best friend, confidant, and conscience — from Popes, to the American Academy of Pediatrics, to "Marilyn Milos, a former nurse and founder of the National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers," who claims that circumcision causes "premature ejaculation."
And these people are just the tip of the iceberg. Thousands, nay, perhaps millions of American men are suffering.
Yes, I'll admit it. When I was very young, perhaps a few days or weeks old, my parents agreed to have my blessed foreskin — oh, this is so hard to say — whacked off. I don't know if they took me to a doctor or a mohel (a Jewish guy with a very sharp set of knives, steady hands, and a really, really bad attitude — some would call him a prick, but that might be going too far — anyway, these mohelim conduct the barbaric "off with his head" ritual... for a small fee).
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - leighann
Seriously?
2 - leighann
OK now I see the "satire" tag. I was beginning to worry. You never know these days.
3 - Dan(Miller)
Damn! The unkindest cut of all. Have you, Sir, no circumspection?
Dan(Miller)
4 - Dr Dreadful
One is led to wonder what they do with all the, um, offcuts.
In my country there is a fried snack food known as pork scratchings, traditionally available at the bar of your favourite intoxication location. I've always regarded it with a great deal of suspicion but have never been able to follow the trail completely from rabbi to meat wholesaler to processing plant to distributor to pub.
Hmmmm...
[frowns, fingers chin, jams meerschaum into mouth, whips out magnifying glass, gets on all fours, starts rooting around on floor muttering something about dogs that didn't bark]
5 - Cindy
'condoms not circumcision prevent aids'
What does that sign mean?
???!!
6 - Cindy
March 29, 2007 -- Circumcised men are up to 60% less likely to get HIV, and now the World Health Organization and the UNAIDS program recommend adult surgery to slow the AIDS pandemic.
Oh, nevermind then.
7 - Cindy
Dr.D,
Pork Scratchings!!! haha that is ridiculous!
What kind of name is that?
They are called pork rinds here. Equally silly (but not nearly as silly sounding) as pigs aren't melons.
8 - STM
Lol. You've gotta love some of the lunatics who come up with policy at the UN.
You can just imagine blokes in the world's poorest, AIDS-stricken countries queuing up in their droves at the front door of the medical centre to get a bit of sharp-knife knob surgery*, too, can't you?
(*With their eyes closed, their hands covering their crotches and one question on their lips: "Circumcision: What's in it for me?")
That WHO recommendation is a load of bollocks (pun intended).
Doc, I'll never eat another fried pork rind again. Not that I do these days, as I don't get drunk any more ... but just in case, I'm swearing off.
9 - Jack
It may be for a laugh, but this is not so crazy. The loss of the most sensitive part, the main male pleasure zone is a real problem in the US. The bigger problem is the media and Medical community bias. They so much want there to be a reason for all of this mutilation.
A first New Zealand study found differences between of STI between circumcised and intact men a second much larger study found STI with the split 23.4% circ and 23.5% "uncircumcised". If you look on the web the second big real study got little press. The Uganda study with the low % difference is all over the media. The 30% or whatever is from about 10% risk to about 8% risk. A recent US cohort study published in the Journal of Infectious Diseases showed only the total number of lifetime sexual partners affected the risk of new (incident) HPV infections and there was no difference in the risk of new (incident) HPV between circumcised and natural men. In May of 2008 a medical survey showed Uncircumcised (natural) Fared Better as Circumcision appeared to have an effect on rates of genital warts: * 4 ½% of circumcised men reported having genital warts * 2.4% of uncircumcised men reported having genital warts-- again in the US. How do they make such a big deal out of the Uganda Study? They want to keep the cut going in the US.
10 - Mark Schannon
Jack--natural vs. circumcised? Natural? You are calling me, dare I say it, unnatural simply because the tip of my penis doesn't look like the droopy ear of a bloodhound? Sir, it's foreskins at 20 paces...hmm...way to far away, let's try 1 pace.
But interesting stuff on the science. In all seriousness--for as long as I can keep it up--epidemiology is a very weak science which is why they run study after study. Unless you have a 100%+ difference between two groups, most scientists will say the findings are suggestive rather than statistically significant differences. I only wish the media would understand that. When you hear of a 20 or 40% difference, you can ignore it.
Dan--no. We have no circumspection, today.
Dr. D. You're on to something, Holmes. There's a great joke about foreskins & moyles. I'll do it in another comment because it's too long. But to think that your pork scratchings are fried foreskins is not only gross--it's an insult to those of us of the Jewish and Muslim persuasion. A fatwa on your head, sir. (Your country. Are you from Lithuania?)
Cindy--love "pork aren't melons."
STM--the poor blokes aren't asking "what's in it for me?" If you check the article, there's a poster with a baby saying, ""You Want to Cut Off WHAT?"
In Jameson Veritas
11 - Baritone
Some will say that it is the unkindest cut of all.
Did anyone see the story on the tube about the kid who got his wang burnt off by a doctor with a lazer? In an attempt to repair the damage, as it were, they surgically altered him to make him a her. He was one of a set of twins.
The boy/girl had all kinds of psychological problems as did his brother. I don't remember any more of the details, but ultimately they both committed suicide. Great story, huh?
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to - uh - cut the wee.
B :/
12 - Cindy
G20 Summit News:
G20 to bulk up IMF in response to crisis
56 mins ago
Reuters David Ljunggren and Lesley Wroughton
World leaders will triple the war chest of the IMF to fight the worst economic crisis since the 1930s and impose new curbs on financial markets, monetary sources at the G20 summit said.
(P.S. I'm a little surprised that no one wrote about the G20 summit. I might do a story on the protest by tomorrow, if I have time.)
13 - Mark Schannon
Baritone,
Gosh, thanks for the news about the twins. Made my day.
Cindy, what G20 summit. I wasn't invited. Nobody asked my opinion. Why should I offer it for free?
Actually, BC politics always has a weird selection of articles--not including mine, of course.
BTW, I got an e-mail from one of the protesters thanking me for supporting their cause! He must have missed the Satire heading. I wrote him back what I hope was a nice e-mail...sigh.
14 - Baronius
This article may be a satire, but I checked, and it really is Genital Integrity Awareness Week. And thanks, Mark, now that's on my Google history.
And seriously, a whole week? Most guys can check their integrity in 5 seconds, even with other people in the room.
15 - Mark Schannon
Baronius, I may distort, misrepresent, and twist...but I never lie. Although why you'd want Genital Integrity Awareness Week on your Google history is beyond me.
And as for a week...some guys are very stupid.
In Jameson Veritas
16 - Rood Andersson
We typically consider the United States to be at the forefront of modern life, but a society that mutilates the genitals of helpless infant boys, at the rate of one every 30 seconds, can only be horribly sadistic and terribly obsessed by morbid sexual impulses.
Thank goodness we Americans are beginning to come to our senses, as we slowly learn to honour life in all its natural forms.
17 - Ron Low
^^ One is led to wonder what they do with all the, um, offcuts. ^^
Wonder no more. An infant foreskin in a petry dish is worth about 40 bucks to research labs and commercial ventures like SkinMedica, maker of TNS Recovery Complex, an anti-wrinkle face cream featured on the Oprah Winfrey show. Google it.
You won't believe how the ladies are all atwitter when the company rep says: "and it's made from little babies' foreskin."
Is this Nazi Germany or what?
About 200,000 men are enduring a tedious but painless process of tensioning the surviving skin to regrow enough to get back some foreskin pleasure. Google non-surgical foreskin restoration.
Foreskin feels REALLY good. HIS body HIS decision.
18 - roger nowosielski
Whoopee! We've finally hit upon a topic of general interest.
After flirting with possible obsolescence, BC's Politics section is showing signs of life.
19 - Cindy
Many people who would be appalled at the idea of female genital mutilation think there is nothing strange at all about male circumcision.
20 - Joanne Huspek
As a mother who allowed this to happen, it's tough. You're given one-sided info in the hospital, and then they take your boy away. I still cringe when I think about it, and it happened 22 years ago.
21 - Cindy
Circumcision, circumspection - what's the difference.
Double your pleasure, double your fun.
22 - Hugh7
This may be satire, but so much of what he says is absolutely true that it's not a bit funny.
This just in: Atlanta, GA. A jury has awarded $1,800,000 to a boy and $500,000 to his mother after a doctor negligently removed half the boy's glans penis while circumcising him.
Many intact men would value their foreskins at no less.
23 - Roger Nowosielski
But why is this a political issue?
24 - Roger Nowosielski
Forget it. Everything can be politicized in America.
25 - Cindy
They marched around the White House calling for a federal ban on circumcision.