A race absolutely alien to God has invaded the land of Christians ... They have circumcised the Christians, either spreading the blood ... on the altars or pouring it into the baptismal fonts.
Thus did Pope Urban II, in the year of our Lord 1095, launch what was to become The First Crusade, the holy war against that race God didn't know — the Muslims who inhabited the sacred, mystical, holy city of Jerusalem — and whose behavior against God-fearing Christians, well, cut to the quick.
Fast forward to Monday, March 30. History repeats itself. But this time, it's not some strange religious entity stealing our manhood, our sacred privates, our foreskin. No, it's America's doctors and parents, aided and abetted by federal and state officials.
As reported by Dan Zak in The Washington Post, a group of fifty dedicated, religious, knife-less men and women marched around the White House, calling for a federal ban on newborn circumcision. Mr. Zak is no doubt one whose willie remains whole. How else to account for his snide and dismissive account of this group's activities? Yet their signs make it clear that they're serious-type people, urging our new president to act with dispatch when it comes to this barbarous act:
These folks know when to poke it to the man. It's Genital Integrity Awareness Week as well as National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Female circumcision has become a cause celebre, but is it not time for an upwelling of support for men? Actually, newborn male-type babies. Who will speak up for their rights?
For 914 years, good people have spoken out against this mutilation of a man's best friend, confidant, and conscience — from Popes, to the American Academy of Pediatrics, to "Marilyn Milos, a former nurse and founder of the National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers," who claims that circumcision causes "premature ejaculation."
And these people are just the tip of the iceberg. Thousands, nay, perhaps millions of American men are suffering.
Yes, I'll admit it. When I was very young, perhaps a few days or weeks old, my parents agreed to have my blessed foreskin — oh, this is so hard to say — whacked off. I don't know if they took me to a doctor or a mohel (a Jewish guy with a very sharp set of knives, steady hands, and a really, really bad attitude — some would call him a prick, but that might be going too far — anyway, these mohelim conduct the barbaric "off with his head" ritual... for a small fee).