Karl Rove's Latest Trick: Getting Bush To Hit The Bottle

Mr President, you've got to start drinking seriously again.

What? Karl, are you out of your mind?

No, sir, it could really work to get your numbers back up.

What do you mean? Have you started drinking yourself?

No, sir, hear me out.

This had better be good. You've already embarrassed me mightily with that Valerie Plame shit.

Well, sir, what we do is, we first have rumors.

Rumors?

Yes, that you've started drinking again.

Uh-uh.

We feed them. We say you fell off your chair watching TV because you were unsteady on your feet.

Isn't that going too far?

Well, sir, you've done it before.

Uh-uh.

Then we have you come out at a press conference saying that, for Laura's sake, and the sake of the nation, you're going into rehab.

What!?

Yes, sir. A totally unprecedented act. You're showing initiative. You're acting promptly, unlike with Katrina.

Hmm.

Here's what'll happen. The nation will rally behind you. Because you've been open with them, suddenly everybody will be rooting for you.

But I've never been open with the nation before.

Precisely. Suddenly you will bare your inner self. You will say you have a problem with drinking, that you recognize, because it almost ruined your life before. Now you ask the nation to pray for your recovery. I can start prayer groups all over the country, praying for your deliverance from the demon booze.

Hmm. Boy Genius, you might be on to something.

Think of it. The Evangelicals will be right behind you. Even the Liberals will feel sorry for you. There will be a great outpouring of sympathy for you. Every family has someone who drinks. You will be setting a personal example for the nation, about a man fighting for his sobriety in the midst of a huge personal crisis.

Boy Genius, you really figure this will work?

These are drastic times, Mr President. They call for a drastic solution. I predict there'll be so much sympathy for you, you'll be able to resurrect your reform of Social Security.

Oh, you think there'll be policy implications? I can get back to my agenda?

Yes, sir, you can build up something better than political capital. Human empathy. Gushes of emotion.

OK, Karl. I'm sold. Like you say, we need a drastic solution. Time to act. Let's start. Right now. Make mine a Jack Daniels.

Here's looking at you, Mr President. Hey, why not take the whole bottle, sir? Didn't you use to be able to do half a bottle in one gulp?

Now you're talking. They used to call me the Bottomless Pit. Down the hatch, Turd Blossom.

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Article Author: Adam Ash

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