It disturbs me greatly that Fox casually painted fathers as perpetrators of incest when in fact fathers are the least likely of all males to commit sexual abuse. According to the January 2005 Male Perpetrators of Child Maltreatment: Findings from NCANDS, fathers are, "less likely than other male perpetrators to be involved in sexual abuse." Keeping fathers in the lives of their children protects them.
This tactic, mentioning sexual abuse, is similar to our opponents bringing up abusive and "controlling men". These men are the minority. The same is true about men in the Men's Movement, (not to be confused with the Father and Family Rights Movement), who want to completely eliminate child support, and the ones who want to revert to patriarchy. Sure, they're out there, but they do not represent the people I work with, the people who are fighting for equality in child custody. We are the real Fathers and Family Rights Movement.
And I do call it fighting sometimes. It feels like that when I have to deal with the politics of it. At one time I had no idea that I would be pitted against people who are fighting equality. This is America. The whole idea astounds me. I find it frustrating that the opponents of joint physical custody use sensationalism to "win" when it is most beneficial to our children when we all just stay honest and above board.
When I first encountered the Fathers Movement it was by accident. My son was having a child outside of marriage and he asked me for help. His father had abandoned him as a baby shortly after he and I divorced. My son later told me that the most important thing in his life was to be a good dad. He wanted to be the best father he could be, in every possible way. When he learned in his 20's that he was going to be a father and that marriage wasn't a possibility, he asked me to find out how to insure he'd be a large part of his child's life. I had been successfully co-parenting with his sister's father, a man I'd never married, for 15 years so we both knew it was possible. I was happy to see him looking into parenting plans and caring for the baby's mother. Unfortunately, shortly after his daughter's birth an attorney was hired, my son was served a summons for family court, and the situation turned adversarial. I went online to see what I could learn, unknowingly stepping into the Fathers Movement.
Article comments
1 - To-Be-Granny
Great article. I have two sons caught in this bias system. Neither one will have their child on Fathers Day.
This should be called, "the CHILDRENS movement"
The time for change is well past due. I say Bring it on!
2 - Steve Butler
Great article. The winds of change are blowing. We must all stand and fan together
3 - J Carmine
Ms Stoddard has hit the nail on the head. She cleary sees the plight children now suffer at the hands of such a perverse legal system amalgamated with the perverse fascist ideology of third wave feminists. She recognizes that both are perversities that support child abuse. Her article gives me optimism that there is indeed a new wave of feminism coming: independent feminism. Perhaps some good has come from the collapse of the twin towers -- mindless victim-liberalism may finally be giving way to genuine classical liberal thought; free thought and free speech are begining to be cherished again and fascist ideologies be they Islamist, Feminist or even Christian are losing their sway. America may finally be fed up with the whining of the spoiled rich white N.O.W. crowd. A new day is coming and Stoddard sees it! Thank you Terri. Keep writing!!!
4 - Fed up
Long past due, society is a mess, things need to change. A child deserves BOTH PARENTS.
This is everyones problem, not just the NCP. If things continue as they are, what kind of mess will we be in 10 years down the road.
We can not leave this for the next generation. My kids are worth fighting for. No one should have to face this hell.
5 - D
Teri,
Another great subject....but, your son should have just married his child's mother and he nor other's like him would be in the clutches of the court's mixed-up, mish-mash perspective on morality! I'm soo tired of you and your readers blaming women (instead you use 'feminist') to excuse men's irresponsibility. Perhaps if men - dare I say it - stayed virgins til they married and bore children in a stable relationship, none of us would be caught up in this very sensitive topic or have to consider voting on 'responsibly and fairly deviating' from the right thing in the first place - men too must wait til marriage to enjoy its' spoils - and yes, parenthood is a wonderful 'spoil' too!
I criticize your condemnation of the women instead of the laws - which women did not write! Yes, Teri, even Men are guilty for using their positional powers in the judicial system to sway outcomes their way! You seem to forget your history. Once upon a time, it was the men who didn't want to be bothered with their children when they wanted to move on to another relationship and put up a fight NOT to have their children ruin their new life! You forget it was a woman's only duty in life to rear children, not a man's! Now your attitude is that a woman who bears a child isn't worthy of parenting her own child - on her own terms. Who's terms should she raise HER child on? That of some unsupportive, absent man?! If he wants in - work, marry, support emotionally and financially! It takes what it takes, no more, no less! Women with less are getting it done without men and now as women hardly have any other legal protections as it is, here you come to sneakily strip away at a woman's parenting rights too! Here's you resolution: Why not just give men a womb and be done with it?! How populated do you think the planet would be then?! It's soo easy isn't it to blame all fault and wrong in the world on a woman! As you have shown, it's easy even for a woman! How lucky these irresponsible men are to have women on their side no matter what they do wrong! They can't even raise up support for THEIR own movement without women! How wonderful life is for them! Hopefully law will stick to women's side on this matter.
6 - Teri In Cali
To D,
You are assuming an awful lot. All you have to do is ask me.
First, my son didn't have the opportunity to marry his daughter's mom. She was the one to keep him at a distance.
These two adults dated on and off for several years. They both consiously had sex without protection. They are equally responsible for their child.
My son was the perfect father throughout the pregnancy and has been ever since the birth. If the child's mother was behaving appropriately and my son was not, I would write that. I tell the truth.
My granddaughter deserves equal relationships with both parents, and has since the day of her birth.
At this time they co-parent quite successfully. This is something they could have been doing since the birth, if family law courts didn't facilitate the removal of fathers from their children's lives.
I have never once written that men are always innocent and women are always guilty, and I've noticed you've written that about me pubically. I don't appreciate that.
I am a single mother. Some of my own children have been abandoned by their dad, so I do understand the full scope of these issues.
Just because some men do this doesn't mean we should assume most women are telling the truth and most men are lying. That is ridiculous. Courts should be making decisions based proof, not on words.
Most divorces are initiated by women, so it's not really applicable for you to criticize men for this. Most of the men I know would prefer that their marriages were still intact.
The reason 40% of kids without dads in the home never see them is because 30% of all kids are born to single mothers. These men usually get no custody awards and are at the mercy of the mother to have a relationship with their child. Like I said, not every father is missing by his own doing. Many are kept away.
I agree children should be born into stable marriages. I agree children should have 2 parents who provide for them. I also think both parents should help facilitate the relationship with the other parent.
Teri
Feminist4Fathers
http://feminist4fathers.blogspot.com/
7 - Jeremy Swanson
Right on Teri!
I think your post was desperately needed both in order to explain your position and de-rail your critics and also to put the position and support and efforts of so many of our women supporters into perspective.
I do however have some trouble believing your figure of one third of the "movement" being women. I am not saying you are wrong but I need to see some proof. My 'feeling' on this is that the real figure for supportive women and NCP females is probably closer to the 15 % level. But then I don't have proof either.
Certainly if I had to 'measure' this by just watching the involvement and posts on the net it might even seem to some that barely 10% of the people in the Men's Movement in North America are female.
But don't let that stop you and your efforts or any of our women supporters and members of the movement. You are doing a great job and you are definitely one of us.
Of that there is no doubt.
Swannie
8 - step mom to a vapor
I joined this movement after my husband and I had been court ordered to pay child support for five years for a child that never was. Now that is a classic example of family court anti Father bias,judges ruling by personal views/choices and not by the letter of the law. This particular case may be rare, although I know we will find more soon enough, the judiciary is becoming even more blatant in their anti family decisions. Parents should share equally in the loving, nurturing and support of their children, a fundamental right. Unfortunately, thanks to VAWA and federal reimbursement incentive for each child support order created plus each dollar collected, the lawyers,judges,guardian ad litems are so busy looking at the $$ that they wouldn't know "the best interest of the child" if it flew by them in a balloon. The really sad part in far too many divorce disasters today is that the parents are divorcing, not the child(ren), yet they suffer most of all. It should end with the child(ren) still enjoying time with both parents in their lives just as before, only now they have two cool bedrooms to call their own instead of one. This can't always happen but it should work more than not. Praying someday soon we can all get back to the fairness and civility to be equal parents and not just custodial parent vs. walking wallet/visitor. We need the government out of our personal lives and out of our homes, all the way out!
Shelly
9 - tom porter
Boy oh boy .....this lends itself to so many comments D.....
Your hatred for men is truly sad and [edited]
I'm a single dad and I have custody of my daughter who just turned 9
If my narsacisstic wife had not chosen to screw everything that did'nt move faster than her because she was turning 40 and was worried she could no longer live on her looks alone we would still be married
I never chose to raise my kids alone or to drag them into the fight but as a worthless man I figured I would rather take my kids to the mall to find a piece of ass rather than go get a damn puppy
[edited]....there are alot of dads out here that are a lot more capable parents than the gaggle of self absorbed make up counter frequenting, tennis pro screwing, gimme a bigger rock than my neighbor begging, Jenny am I too fat asking, whats your new book oprah asking, doctor phil watching, stay at home and hire a nanny types that refuse to drive the mini van that I would love to have and insist that their hubbys buy them a new H2 so they can impress the kids mowing the lawn and maybe come over and play Mrs. robinson [edited].
I fight my ass off every day as does teri and you [edited] just piss me off
I'm voting for the death penalty for stupidity next election [edited]
George Carlin once said ....did ya ever notice that all those women at the hate men rallies are the ones nobody would wanna have sex or children with anyway
[edited]
because maam.....I know some damn fine feminists and you most certainly are not one of them
[edited]
Tom
10 - Lary Holland
Teri. First, I want to thank you for your contributions. They are valued.
Second, I am lucky enough to have a very supportive network AFTER my tumultuous five year relationship with my children's mother. It was a breath of fresh air to reconnect with friends and family that actually could see past themselves after being stuck in such a limiting relationship. When I left that relationship, the longer I was gone, the more ridiculous the accusations got by my ex.
I sponsor equal parenting and shared parental responsibility, but in circumstances where the other parent only cares about her/himself this is a more difficult decision. My ex leaves the children with everyone else instead of actually caring for the children, and just wants to fight to keep some cashflow. Even tonight, my children are stuck at her parents' house, while I miss them and was prevented from speaking with them on the telephone.
Equal parenting MEANS equal parenting, but only where the other parent can demonstrably actually be a parent.
11 - Noodle
Teri,
My husband's situation is extremely similar to yours, except they began living together when she found out she was pregnant. Sadly, neither of them felt the relationship was working and split when the child was 2. They were excercising 50/50 parenting until the mom contacted an attorney. She was advised that the court would only grant the father every other weekend, and then the mother advised my husband of that fact and began denying him the liberal time they had mutually agreed upon. In our state, the more time the father spends with the child, the less CHILD SUPPORT the mother gets. We both believe her denials of visiation early on were based on money.
A great deal of time has passed and my huband and I have been together for almost 8 years now, but the mom is still vindictive, hateful and attempts to destroy the relationship with the father. We are still excercising every other weekend visiation, etc. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a bond with a child when you only get to see them two times a month?
I will add that we did temporarily move out of state and then moved back. We had to start court proceedings to get visitation changed. The mother went so far as to send the child to a psychologist, yet she was feeding the psychologist what she wanted her to say. When my husband met with the psychologist she was shocked that he was nothing like the tyrant the mother and child were claiming. Children are impressionable and they will side with whomever they fear the most, which is the primary parent mostly. The child was not actually saying anything bad about his father but this psychologist took the mother's comments and construed the child's intent. You absolutely cannot trust all professionals out there. Many are bias and cannot be trusted.
I wholheartedly support equal parenting and shared parenting when the parents are both fit. I also support removing the bias in our legislative and judicial system which prohibits judges from looking at custody objectively. I believe that most parents know this is the right thing to do in their hearts, yet allow the external forces in their lives, such as our laws and bad attorneys, to sway them from doing what is right by their child.
12 - T A Dodger
alot of dads out here that are a lot more capable parents than the gaggle of self absorbed make up counter frequenting, tennis pro screwing, gimme a bigger rock than my neighbor begging, Jenny am I too fat asking, whats your new book oprah asking, doctor phil watching, stay at home and hire a nanny types that refuse to drive the mini van that I would love to have and insist that their hubbys buy them a new H2 so they can impress the kids mowing the lawn and maybe come over and play Mrs. robinson with skanks like you.
I hope you don't wonder why so many people think the fathers' rights movement is full of angry ex-husbands who hate women.
13 - Darrick
So now that we know how we feel and we all seem to agree that JOINT physical child custody is the goal for ALL so maybe we all can do something. Please e-mail, call and write your local politicians about legislation to mandate a presumption of joint physical child custody. Plus join a group that focuses on this. This is the only way we are going to get equal rights for all.
14 - Teri
If you're in California you can help by visiting this page: link to learn about the CA Shared Parenting Ballot Initiative. If you're in New Hampshire you can help by visiting this page: link to learn about HB529. Thanks! Teri