I was at a 4-year-old's birthday party when I overheard a young mother. "We call him 'the loser', she said, "but not around Bobby". I cringed. I knew that Bobby was probably aware that the significant adults in his life disrespected this man, and that the man was probably his father. When I hear things like that I worry about children growing up today. One million children in America are involved in a new divorce annually, as of 1997, according to divorcemagazine.com, and The Children's Fund reports that one in three American children is born to unmarried parents (2004 Key Facts About American Children).
E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, authors of For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, found that "twenty years after the divorce less than one-third of boys and one-quarter of girls reporting having close relationships with their nonresident fathers." And the National Fatherhood Initiative reports "About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year." What kind of role models are we offering our children? With divorced and unmarried fathers currently having the undeserved reputation of "deadbeats", how can little boys grow up proud to be male?
At one time that young mother could have been me. I have made many disparaging comments about my ex-husbands, and I felt completely justified in doing so. All three of the men had let me down in one way or another, and it made sense to place blame when I spoke about my divorces. They weren't my fault; after all, they were always my ex-husbands' fault. That's what I liked to say at least. That's what I needed to believe.
I have experienced a phenomenon within my own family that I have now learned is common, tragic, and very often avoidable. I'm talking about the phenomenon of the fatherless child. Three of my children are in that 40 percent, the kids who never see their dads. They had fathers who it seemed, simply walked out of their lives. The thing to note is that of the four men, it was the three who I divorced, the three who had to deal with the family court system and the state child support enforcement who went missing, not the man who fathered a child with me when we were both unmarried, who wrote a parenting plan with me without involving the court system. I've successfully co-parented with that man for 18 years.
So what happened to the men I married and divorced? Why were they the ones who walked? It wasn't like they were never in their children's lives. These were the men who attended childbirth classes with me, who walked the floor, changed diapers, and played with our babies. We were thrilled to have children together and co-parented successfully while we were married. What exactly had happened during the divorce? Everything changed. The relationships between my children and their fathers disintegrated.
Article comments
1 - Aaman
Suggest moving to culture, apart from family politics, not much of politicking here, methinks:)
Good article - well-structured.
2 - Jeremy Swanson
A Brilliant article. Teri Stoddard stand among the best of the best among our supporters-someone who saw the light a long time ago and is not only not afraid to admit it she is actually doing something about it. A better ally we will never find.
Swannie
3 - Lary Holland
Absolutely a wonderfully written and supported piece describing many of the aspects and misunderstandings that Fathers in today's custody disputes have to face. Thank you for this contribution.
Your contribution in its own right has slowed the erosion and hopefully will over time reverse the damage of today's misinformed public policy against Dads.
4 - Darla McKinstry
Kudos to Teri! Great article, with great insight, and self evaluation!
To see a woman write such an article stirs more emotion than can be believed.
Thank you!
Carry on fathers!
You have much more support than you know! And many more are coming forward to speak out.
Children need you in their lives! Both parents! May more and more begin to believe it, and stop the idiots in the Justice System from making money off peoples suffering, and marital breakdown.
Bravo!
5 - alfred watson
A really good article. The divorce industry operates without conscience to deprive children of one parent and both parents of any money they have.
They will rape the family even where children are not involved as their system allows them unrestricted freedom to do as they please without accountability to anyone.
They took $1.2 million from me. I have no recourse.
6 - 1Potato
These stories are as heartbreaking as they get. Sure there are jerky guys out there, but I don't think the anti-male crowd realizes how the poisonous atmosphere hurts a lot of the sincere, loving type of guys. The results also hurt children, I think more so girls. Women estranged from their fathers seem to have a deep seated sense of loss their whole life.
Let's demand fairness in court for everyone.
1P
7 - wonder_woman
Doesn't it strike you as odd that three of Teri's children's dads took off? Now she wants us to believe they were all bad dads? Come on! Get real! position Teri would have taken then?
8 - LovingFather
A great article....but just one of the latest of many that have appeared before with the same message. Unfortunately, no one takes notice of these. Jamil Jabr and others like him who risk their lives, freedom and liberty in non violent demonstrations are the ones that have brought this agenda to the forefront in todays politics. I was a member of of the Father 4 Justice group in UK when we threw condoms at Tony Blair, climbed and paid a visit to her majesty the Queen and issued our own sermons at the York Minster in front of the Archbishop. It is actions like this that will actually get the decision makers take notice. If any one wants to help change these barbaric laws then join Jamil Jabr and his organisation in the US or the REAL FATHERS FOR JUSTICE organisation in the UK. Many others fathers rights movements have been trying it for decades to have the law changed and all they have done is sit on the committees that come out with these unjust laws that discriminate against FIT parents (mostly fathers)
http://www.realfathersforjustice.org
A loving Father to a 7 yr old daughter
kidnapped by the lying twisted and demented mother, assisted by the corrupt family law system. Onwards and forwards with the fight to be part of my daughters life (just as she has asked for)....... JUSTICE IS COMING....
9 - carmine
Great article here!
Shortly after my divorce some fifteen years ago, discovered that it would be easier for me to raise another man's child than to see my own. I was dating a woman, BRIEFLY, who hated her child's father but found it fine for me to spend all the time I wanted with her son. Simultaneously I was barred by my most malicious ex from seeing my own son who was being raised by yet some other man. My ex wanted to destroy my son's relationship with me so she could re-locate. In the end it all worked out and now I see my sixteen year old about 1/3 of the time and he is doing very well. It only cost me about 50,000 over some eleven years to accomplish this.
The majority of child abuse is done by mothers and their non-related partners. Still the courts think it is fine for a non-related man to spend more time with your children than you can. My solution? THROW OUT ALL THE JUDGES. PUNISH ALL THE COURT APPOINTED PSYCHOLOGISTS. Focus your anger where it will do some good. We really do have to fight back to protect our children from court abuse. I am convinced that every time a court-appointed psychologist or father-hating judge loses his or her job an angel gets its wings.
10 - John Doe
Fantastic article! Thank you!
11 - John Doe
Fantastic article! Thank you!
12 - Phil
.....then call it something else instead of Parental Alienation Syndrome which only distracts the focus further from the needs of the child. Lets learn from child advocates to the south of their experience with PAS.
link
link
13 - George Stancliffe
The people who set the agenda to create fatherlessness through unjust divorce courts and child custody laws are those who are Marxist in their orientation. The radical feminists are almost all Marxists. Don't be fooled by what they SAY, just watch what they DO. These people will never be swayed to support fair child-custody laws, because this would conflict with their Marxist agenda.
14 - Bliffle
"I cringed."
You didn't speak up? You didn't confront? Would that have been too uncomfortable?
You didn't do anything really material. Just wrote an article.
So what happened, Teri? After all the years you spent defaming your childrens dads, did your own son get screwed in the divorce mills? So now you've changed sides, not, apparently, for any love of justice and search for truth, but because it hurt someone near you, and thus hurt your own refined feelings and elevated self-opinion.
You haven't changed. Think on it.
15 - Teri Stoddard
Bliffe,
For you to write these words, it shows me you know very little about me. You don't know enough to make these judgements.
Have you seen my blog on Mens News Daily? Have you seen my website Shared Parentng Works? Did you know I testified in Sacramento for AB1307, the 2005 Shared Parenting Bill? Do you realize I assist grieving, alienated parents and work with several organizations for family law reform, on a daily basis? I think not.
I have made contact with my exes, except one who can't be found, and we're all on good terms.
When I was at the party I made the personal judgement not to confront the young woman. It wasn't my place to disrupt a 4-year-old's birthday party. If you'd read the entire article you would have read that I did, in fact, talk to two women there about four different cases. I believe I gave them good advise, without upsetting a child I care about.
I don't know what has you upset, but if you'd care to write to me privately I'd be happy to try to assist you.
Teri
16 - chad lyons
this was an article i strived to find, knowing others feel the same way i do. If i did not intercept an affidavit to be filed by my wife and allow her to know that all the accusations she made against me on a sworn affidavit from her, I would be the one suffering, trying to find a way to prove I was not an abuser or a batterer nor was my daughter afraid of me. I called her on the testimonial she was about to serve and file with the courts to have me restrained, she never filed it due to the fact that it was false. But, since I moved out for my own welfare as she was the one that battered me and emotionally abused me, I am now suffering the justice system as well. she has changed all locks on the doors and denies me from talking to my daughter who is my life by not answering the phone. she allows me to talk to my daughter for 5 to 10 minutes before bedtime one to two times a week. she has already started the manipulation process with her, telling her i wanted to leave becuase i didn't want to be with her anymore. I can not stop it because i moved out before the divorce papers were served. I am now unable to retrieve and mail that was sent to the house, see my daughter unless okayed by her, and she has all personable beloningings in her care until a verdict has been reached..absolutely unfair. It is to the point that my daughter never really wants to speak with me nor is excited to call or hear from me and it is comming from her mothers manipulative ways as well as from her parents. She has all ready told the neighborhood children and parents i am a ticking time bomb which is absolutely false and have all taken her side and i am avoided. this is really hard to digest and it feels good there are others who are trying to change the laws
17 - OM
Teri -
This was a good article by a person who seems to be saying that she did wrong to innocent fathers and children, and now she's trying to put it right. I'm glad you've turned your life around, reached out to your (three? four?) exes, been somehow absolved by your children of these many fathers, etc. When I was being shoveled into the Big Divorce furnace by another breathless member of the sisterhood, I hated women like you. I don't any longer. I feel pity for you, and sorrow for the legions of innocents whose tiny lives were forever damaged so that "empowered women" could chase their fantasies of revenge and personal freedom. I suffered every indignity you describe and then some. Lost my precious, precious daughter, my home, my property, my retirement, my job, my health and finally, my mind. Got the last one back, thank god. And I have never been out of my child's life, but terrible choices had to be made - including relocation to another state for employment - so that I could continue to be the sole source of financial support in my child's life. God bless you in your new mission of peeling the mask of nobility off of the rotting skull of Big Divorce. Hope you're not too late...
18 - Teri Stoddard
Please have a look at my more recent work and visit my blog on Mens News Daily.
Glad I can help!
At least 3 of my 4 exes hold no grudge against me, and in fact share the responsibility with the demise of our relationships. I'm close with one and pretty close with another. I'm on good terms with one I rarely communicate with. If I had to guess I'd say the one I can't locate feels equally responsible too.
Love you guys! On behalf of the women out here... we really truly didn't see it.
And we're so very very sorry.
teri
19 - Bill
Teri,
Did you know that Jefferey Shipman, father of Deonna Shipman actually abducted is daughter in July 2007. FBI is still looking for him and the daughter. If you know anything about their whereabouts, you should let the FBI know.
Bill
20 - Joel
Good to see there is a woman out there who can see how much we love our kids. I know I will never father another because the pain of watching what they go through is to much. I never understood the the proverb 21:19, untill divorce, God Bless you, Teri
Joel
21 - Peter McClean
Did these men or so called losers walk out of their children's lives or were they driven out? Does the leaf fall from the tree or is it pushed?
22 - SINGLE MOM WITH A LOSER EX!! PERIOD!
How do you KNOW that ALL of these men are telling the truth?? How do you KNOW they're as wonderful as they all claim to be? Maybe they're not child molesters and the like, but maybe they weren't fabulous FATHERS either - Just saying...
I'm sure there are SOME fathers out there who ARE mistreated and misjudged by the 'judicial' system and family courts, but there are ALSO PLENTY a father out there who DON'T pay their child support, don't even REPORT their income so they can CONTINUE to run CIRCLES around the system, don't take care of "their" children properly, etc etc.
How come there's no mention of THOSE fathers - the ones who ARE "the losers" - not all SPERM DONORS out there are INNOCENT VICTIMS who're being PICKED ON and TORMENTED by "their 'vindictive' ex-spouses" and so on - some TRULY DON'T DESERVE to participate or be one of the LEADING ROLE MODELS in their childrens' lives!
I just don't get the way this is written like ALL fathers are the "abused, poor, poor, mistreated BABIES" and everyone should feel TERRIBLE FOR THEM - what about the CHILDREN and ACTUAL babies that A LOT OF THEM REALLY HAVE ABANDONED?? Really HAVE walked out on? Have been verbally, mentally, physically abusive IN FRONT OF their children TO their partner (which IS just as bad since they ARE SUPPOSED to be the role model), have cheated, lied, stolen, WHAT HAVE YOU, and then think they deserve to be a TEACHER for these kids - I mean REALLY - COME ON! Do you have anything to say about THEM, or are THEY all the 'poor babies' as well?? Also - I think it's a TRIP how many guys are on here cheerleading - lol - sounds about right!
23 - T C
Such a good perception. It is not very black and white when it comes to fathers, deadbeats or just plan narcissistic uncaring unattached men, who happen to have kids with someone. The reason I do not feel bad for the kids is because moms are so capable of loving intensely and giving a balance if they have the right tools. James Garda for example is one of these guys that just fathers kids, uses them to his advantage and then abandons them when their mother upsets him. No empathy or sympathy and a complete narcissistic father. I would prefer seeing the kids raised without someone so unstable in their lives. Unfortunately he is probably going to impregnante many more women. The kids won't suffer however if they are shielded from the sickness he spews.
24 - Teri Stoddard
TC, if you read the news you will see that mothers are just as capable of abuse as fathers. In fact, mothers commit more child abuse than fathers. We have to stop assuming that women are superior care providers. Men do a good job too.