"We're both marginalized parties in our respective countries, "Pelosi said in a press conference late last night, "and we expect to continue to be discriminated against, repressed, taunted, and even hunted down and killed. We hope to combine efforts, raise our numbers, and therefore constitute a more powerful opposition to the continuing onslaught of the Republican Party."
When asked by reporters why the Democrats feel it's necessary to team up with religious fundamentalists from Iraq, Senator Kerry said, "We have to do something to resurrect the Democratic party — especially on the 'faith' and 'morals' issues. The GOP already staked out the televangelist, Judeo-Christian territory, leaving us to fend for ourselves using other kooky religious traditions. Islam — by recommending cutting off the hand of a thief — might also help us on the old "law & order" issue — where we Democrats are traditionally viewed as weak. It's becoming clear that Democrat and Sunni numbers are dwindling faster than my wife's New Years resolutions to stop nagging. So we have to find some common ground with another marginalized demographic, and we think the Iraqi Sunnis are a good prospect. We'd like to reach out to them and say, 'We feel your pain.'"
When it was pointed out to Senator Kerry that many of the Iraqi Sunnis have ties to terrorists and murderers in their homeland — and a vote to allow 'fast-track' immigration status could contribute to the influx of terrorists into the United States, Kerry replied, "Well, I voted for the Sunni immigration bill... before I voted against it. The record is clear on that."
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Article comments
1 - mpho
this is great. onion-worthy and that's the schnizzle!
2 - Dave Nalle
I like the book link the best.
Dave
3 - Shark
Damn. I shoulda reviewed the film 'Dodgeball.'
4 - andy marsh
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!
5 - Eric Olsen
ecumenical and biting - nice one!
6 - John M. Burt
News Item
Samara, Ohio -- Today the bandages came off and Missy Potamia's family got to see the 13-year-old's reconstructed face for the first time. Two years after an unfortunate misunderstanding when she tried to deposit money at her local bank, extensive surgery has undone broken cartilage, smashed cheekbones and shattered teeth.
Her mother was delighted.
"To tell the truth, Missy was always a plain child. Her big blobby nose and buck teeth were a real drawback, but we could never have afforded braces, let alone plastic surgery. Fortunately, the bank's insurance paid for it, and since her face was so totally ruined, it gave us a chance to give her the look she always wanted."
Bank security guard George W. Bush declared that Missy's beautiful new face vindicated his own actions two years ago.
"Even though it appears she wasn't actually trying to rob the bank," Bush said, "it's now clear that I still did the right thing in taking prompt action with that baseball bat."
Bush's contract with the bank has recently been renewed for another four years.