It's no secret that our nation is deep in debt. Enormous annual budget deficits are projected to continue for...well, pretty much forever, unless something rather drastic is done, and soon.
Well, everyone can relax. I just solved all our problems.
Thanks to this handy tool from the New York Times, I was able to turn a projected $418 billion shortfall in 2015 into a $58 billion surplus. I was also able to turn a projected $1.345 trillion dollar deficit in 2030 into a $161 billion surplus.
Here's how I did it:
- Cut foreign aid in half - Sorry, Israel. We're broke!
- Eliminate earmarks - John McCain would have been proud. Oh, wait...he's still alive. Never mind!
- Eliminate farm subsidies - Although we may need to develop National Pitchfork Defense to prevent an uprising in Nebraska...
- Cut pay of civilian federal workers by 5 percent - Take that, public sector unions!
- Reduce the federal workforce by 10 percent - This can be done mostly through attrition.
- Cut 250,000 government contractors - There are simply too many of them at present.
- Assorted other cuts to the federal government - NPR and the NEA are gone!
- Cut aid to states by 5 percent - Force states to cut the fat from their budgets.
- Reduce noncombat military compensation and overhead - Healthcare premiums would have to rise for the first time in a decade.
- Reduce the number of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan to 60,000 by 2015 - Surely this is doable, right? I mean, if it's not, then we are really and truly screwed...
- Enact medical malpractice reform - "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." I read that somewhere.