Henry David Thoreau once famously postulated that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." He despised a life in which one could not do exactly as one wanted all the time, a life which most of us men do not have. This would be easy for him to do as he had no steady employment, no wife, no offspring, and no "future". His sole responsibilities were only to himself and his simple needs. This left him a great deal of time to ponder the shortcomings of the rest of the world which marched out of step with him to their detriment.
Most men do not seek to follow Thoreau's path. We aren't so enamored of solitude that we prefer it to all other experiences. We marry and create children, yet too often we discover that we men end up in Thoreau's fortress of solitude in spite of ourselves and our strenuous efforts.
There is an old aphorism which avers that a man isn't complete until he's married — then he's finished. A brief examination of the facts demonstrates that there is truth to this assertion that a married man is lost to himself. Men are poorly prepared for being husbands and fathers when the only training and education we get from all sources is to be tough and strong and ready to fight to the death at the drop of an insult. To marry, a man has to change everything about himself, as society frowns upon such traditional masculine behaviors and deems them dangerous. Such behaviors are banished from the workplace. Such behaviors are frowned upon in the family domicile. A married man thus becomes a stranger even unto himself.
As a single man, one is free to do what one wants (withing certain physical, legal, and economic limits) and answers only to those he pledges to obey in return for remuneration. Spontaneity and immediacy tend to rule a single man's life. Responsibility to anyone or anything is minimal. He is exhorted at all levels to compete with others, and his favorite entertainments are centered in an individual or group besting another such in contrived contests. There are only two outcomes: win, or lose, and don't YOU be the loser. So do what it takes to win, and to hell with the Marquis of Queensbury!
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Article comments
1 - Victor Lana
Sometimes I think, "I wish I could go back to those carefree days." But then I look at my children and say, "Nah!"
2 - Joanne Huspek
I'm glad to see you're still kicking, Realist, although some of this piece makes me a little sad for you. It's not much better on this side of the gender bus, believe me.
3 - John Wilson
Our society relentlessly persecutes both men and women along the gender divide. It's good for business. I guess if we could ever get together we could overthrow our slave-masters, but it always seems like individuals seek advantage through gender.
4 - Alan Kurtz
"A man has to spend the majority of his time," you write, "meekly subjected to another's control, unless one is a soldier or a policeman." Obviously you've never served in either capacity. There is no more hierarchical organization than the military. And the police force, which is paramilitary, is only marginally less regimented. Soldiers and policemen have been glamorized by Hollywood, but in real life are as quietly desperate as any gaunt, unshaven, shabbily dressed man standing forlornly in a breadline during the Great Depression. You note correctly that men are more likely to commit suicide than women, but fail to acknowledge that vets and cops kill themselves at a far greater rate than men in other occupations.
"A man has to become cautious and careful," you go on, "and to avoid contests as much as possible, for he no longer can be certain that he has the means and ability to triumph and cannot risk defeat." That's inadvertently an excellent description of both combat psychology and urban policing. For every Rambo or Dirty Harry, there are 10,000 uniformed non-heroes just trying to stay alive from one miserable day to the next.
5 - John Wilson
Excellent article and comments.