Controversial academic Yale Professor Craphogger is urging all U.S. citizens to desecrate the Bible.
"If we desecrate our Holy Book, that will make Muslims feel less bad about the Koran being desecrated, and save many Muslim lives. I call upon all true U.S. patriots to come to the aid of our country in this humanitarian effort.
"I don't recommend trying to flush the Holy Bible down a toilet, though. The Bible is too big. It will just block the toilet. Better to tear out the pages and chew them into spitballs, and flush the spitballs down the toilet.
"In urban areas, the pages may also be used to poopscoop. For those who cannot bring themselves to commit such dire desecration, even when so many lives are at stake, drawing crescent moons over the pages of the Bible is a milder form of desecration."
Professor Craphogger says he will approach the Pope about other forms of desecration that might meet the desecration standards of the Catholic Church.
"Perhaps gluing the pages of the New Testament together might be an acceptable form, or pasting nude photographs of women on the pages of Genesis or Revelations. But we have to act fast, to save the Muslims from themselves — from erupting into terrible, temperamental rages, like those spontaneously exploding drummers in Spinal Tap."
Professor Craphogger also hastened to add that desecrating the Bible was not actually desecrating the word of God. "It's not as if every Bible was personally penned by the hand of God. The Bible is only paper and ink printed by a publishing company, who is making money off the word of God, which in itself is a form of desecration."
Professor Craphogger last venture was selling toiletpaper stamped with images of Osama Bin Laden.
Article comments
1 - Bennett
Ash! You go straight to your room until your father gets home!
Funny post, thanks for the grins.
2 - Rodney Welch
Consider filing it under Satire as well.
3 - DrPat
It seems to be filed under "Satire" already, Rodney...
4 - bhw
It should be under the Culture/Tech: Humor and Satire subcategory, as well as the Politics main category and the Satire post type.
Wshew!
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
Meh.
6 - RealCon
Interesting…
“Professor Craphogger says he will approach the Pope about other forms of desecration that might meet the desecration standards of the Catholic Church.”…
Was it a simple oversight by the Yale professor -- that he failed to mention approaching the local Head Rabbi also…?
After all -- he also has some ownership of the Bible..
Or did the "good professor" think that would spoil the humor for his expected audience?
7 - Big Time Patriot
“Professor Craphogger says he will approach the Pope about other forms of desecration that might meet the desecration standards of the Catholic Church." It will be hard to meet the standard the Catholic Church has set by shielding pedophiles behind the collar, that's some serious desecration already carried out by the current Pope...
8 - adam
RealCon, leave the Head Rabbi out of it. This is about desecration of the Bible, compleat with new Testament, not the Torah. If anyone desecrates the Torah, Yale Professor Craphogger and I will take the foul bastard who did such a terrible thing by his blasphemous neck and stuff him down the nearest toilet.
9 - RealCon
Re: Comment 8
Of course --- leave the Head Rabbi out of it…
Then it would not appeal to your crowd…
P.S. The Bible contains Genesis on down… as well as the New Testament -- check it out… When you let Yale Professor Craphogger know this I’m sure he will take the foul bastard who did this terrible thing by his blasphemous neck and stuff him down the nearest toilet.
10 - adam
Professor Craphogger has just suggested feeding the Torah to a German shepherd, and now I want to thrust him down a toilet.
11 - RealCon
Good -- now go back and rewrite the original script to include that as well...
12 - Natalie Davis
Yes, you don't want Mr. Realcon to think you to be anti-Papist.
13 - RealCon
OR -- ANY OTHER RELIGION!!!
14 - Natalie Davis
Are you as vigilant in mandating respect for nonbelievers?
15 - RealCon
Re: Comment 14
“Are you as vigilant in mandating respect for nonbelievers?
Did “Yale Professor Craphogger” urge any disrespect for nonbelievers?
16 - Al Barger
In fairness, perhaps we could ritually desecrate copies of a bunch of different holy books together. Perhaps we could gather round and pee on copies of the Koran, the Bible, Torah, the Book of Mormon, Lavey's Satanic Bible, and a bunch of Watchtower tracts. Throw in copies of Atlas Shrugged and the US Constitution in the spirit of egalitarianism.
17 - adam
Yesterday Yale Professor Craphogger revealed to me his non-believer strategy. He regards Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code as the Bible of the non-believers, because it propagates the scurrilous view that our Lord bonked Mary Magdalene for years, and spawned a brood of little JC's with this harlot. So Craphogger has conned a bunch of U.S. Evangelical Talibans to dust the printing presses of this heinous book with a special poison. Ten years from now, all the Da Vinci Code followers will find themselves cursed with 24/7 erections, but without the ability to have orgasms. Such is the wrath of Craphogger's Revenge on Non-Believers.
18 - RealCon
Who let this guy out of the insane asylum?
19 - JR
Probably Reagan.
20 - Plainavy
I'm tempted to say that you have an almost religious faith in the "Constitution" and "the authority of the state under our Constitution."
Old Prof. Craphogger, eh? Never had a chance to take a class from that old Bastard. He was the guy who ran around in a cape, right, very 18th century Highwayman-like, loping around New Haven, Old College, and Branford, just past the Skull and Bones kennel.
21 - adam
Al Barger:
That controversial academic Yale Professor Craphogger, he of the 18th Century cape, is with you on desecrating Ayn Rand. That woman and all her adherents, who include Alan Greenspan (who has turned out to be total Bush suck-up), should all be stuffed down the toilet. Also, Deepak Chopra needs to be peed on in person. Craphogger started his career of desecration when, upon graduation, he deposited the result of a big bowel movement all over the Skull and Bones kennel.
22 - Joey
I met a girl from venus, her insides were lined with gold... she did what she did, and said "how was it kid" ... and I can't remember how the rest of the song goes....
She also rolled joints with "bible paper" I, of course, refused to smoke the sacreligious sativa... but now, many years later and so much wiser... realize that people don't hold the book up at the iconic level... that would be against doctrine.... but the words on the printed page, or on the CD, or on a poster or.... are the inspired words of God. First there was the word, and the word became flesh and walked among us.... The book is a vehicle for the word, not the word itself.
I question any iconic status of "things" such as golden calfs, Elvis shotglasses, Lambergini's, precious jewels. If someone's life is transfixed on acquiring only material wants and desires... there is little soil for the seed of faith to sprout and flourish.
my 2cents
23 - Al Barger
Adam, I'm volunteering to have my own sacred cows gored by including Ayn and the Constitution. But you better bet that I'ma be throwing in the holy writ of the pinkos, starting with the collected work of Karl Marx and Al Gore's ignorant assed Earth in the Balance.
I have never seen Greenspan exhibit religious zealot rhetoric or behavior. Indeed, quite the opposite. The knock on him would be that he's gray or colorless. I don't see how he's particularly a Bush "suck-up" in that he seems to be thinking and talking the same as he ever has.
Deepak Chopra seems like a hard guy to really hate on. He doesn't come out as much of a flaming zealot. He seems to pretty much work and play well with others, so I find him pretty tolerable as well.
24 - Holy flusher
Flush all holy books, including the bible at FlushaHolyBook.com
Holy books are just that, books. Flush em.
25 - Blank
I don`t understand how anyone can desecrate the bible. I have an old early 20`s bible that belonged to a real and true mental patient and he wrote on every page of this bible. He was in a state institution for the mental. This i can atet to being true. I can`t make sense of none of his ramblings on the pages but surely he was mentally sick.