Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Warren
Probably picking nits here, but: "44 percent say that evolution is only a theory" -- don't they call it Darwin's Theory of Evolution for a reason? Or did they just make that part up? Or are we splitting hairs between microevolution and macroevolution?
2 - Dave Nalle
What our California friend didn't notice is that all of his 'blue' states are really purple because about 45% of the people in each of them have red state hearts and values - especially his own state of California. Apparently he missed the redstatishness of his own governor.
Dave
3 - billy
yes and what Dave doesnt realize is that 0hio district 2 is 3/4 republican yet 48% voted for a democrat.
4 - Dave Nalle
Which just goes to show how much flexibility there is in the voting population, making these silly red state vs. blue state things completely meaningless.
Dave
5 - billy
finally one thing we agree on.
6 - alienboy
I'm confused - I thought Red was for Democrats and Blue for Republicans?
7 - Eric Berlin
Nope -- other way round.
8 - Eric Berlin
Dems -- Blue, donkey
Repubs -- Red, elephant, "GOP"
9 - Dave Nalle
Reminds me of the ways to remember port and starboard on a ship.
Dave
10 - andy marsh
We get the $2 gas prices you get the $3 prices.
11 - alienboy
Well Red has always been the colour of the political left and blue the right - trust the US to mix them up, lol
12 - alienboy
And I thought ships went for Red and Green not Red and Blue? At least that's what they do here in the Med...
13 - billy
blue- states - gay pride parade
red states - gay bashing parade
14 - alienboy
So in the USA it's more Blue (Collar) v Red (Neck)?
15 - Eric Berlin
I've spent 97% of my life living in New York and California, and there has always been plenty of red and blue in both.
That said, there's red, and then there's RED.
Same for BLUE: San Francisco was a little too BLUE for me...
16 - Dave Nalle
>>So in the USA it's more Blue (Collar) v Red (Neck)?<<
No, it's Blue Blooded Elitist vs. Red Blooded American
Dave
17 - John Bambenek
Just secede already so we can get to the war part. The red states have the guns, BTW.
18 - Eric Berlin
Ahhh... it feels just like 1861 round these parts, don't it ?
19 - billy
its ok, the blue states won the last war. i guess having all of your front-teeth is helpful when fighting a civil war.
20 - Dave Nalle
I don't know about the front teeth issue, Billy. Down here in Texas we have these people called dentists, and if they can't do the job we've got something called dentures.
Do they have those up there in the blue states like Maryland where the inbred hicks who were stationed at Abu Ghraib are from?
Dave
21 - Steve S
I think this is the teeth issue referred to:
For the red states:
38 percent of Kentuckians are missing 6 or more teeth. They have just been surpassed by West Virginia where a whopping 43 percent of the entire state has lost 6 or more teeth.
That's right, almost half the state.
source
among inbreeders, hygiene never was up on the list.
22 - Scott
"No, it's Blue Blooded Elitist vs. Red Blooded American"
Yes, there are 59,028,109 Blue-Blooded Elitists and 62,040,606 Red Blooded Americans. It should be noted that oft times the Red blooded Americans are, in fact, Red necks.
23 - Steve S
sa
la
um.
24 - Steve S
so almost 50% of the country is labeled as elite?
waters down the meaning of the word if you ask me.
25 - JR
Dave Nalle: What our California friend didn't notice is that all of his 'blue' states are really purple because about 45% of the people in each of them have red state hearts and values - especially his own state of California.
We'll swap refugees.
Apparently he missed the redstatishness of his own governor.
Actually, I think you missed his extreme bluestatishness. Schwarzenegger is for legalizing cloning, fer cryin' out loud.