Condiment lobby accelerates attacks

(AFD) — Tired of being ignored like the parsley garnish on a steak plate, the Kraft Political Action Committee has increased its effort to highlight the outpouring of jobs to other countries.

They have not wilted in their attacks. In recent days, both commentator Pat Buchanan and Weekly Standard Editor William Kristol have been face-planted with salad dressing and whipping cream, respectively.

"Tossed salad? Where can I get in on this action?" Fox News Presenter Bill O' Reilly said on his show yesterday.

At first thought to be merely the effort of crank art department stoners, one of the two tossers revealed the truth after being tempted by a large plate of brownies.

"I might have done it anyway, but I got paid, man," one of the men, Mitch Hedberg, said. "How cool is that?"

In an apparently unrelated event, earlier this week, Hedberg was found dead in a hotel room. Still, the campaign will go on with new targets.

"We needed to do this and we're not apologetic," a company official said. "We're not out to kill anyone. We just want them to remember who greases the skids around here and who butters their bread.

"While were owned by Phillip Morris we were used to getting everything they wanted. Times have changed."

In fact, the company solicited help on tactics from the Animal Liberation Front, said Kraft Marketing Director Jenna Lewis.

"We've turned over a new corner," Lewis said. "We're tired of the carrot and stick approach. It seemed like a natural partnership — well, to us anyway. We need help in our BBQ sauce division"

Lewis said the company also promises to make fast food condiment packages easier to open — if they get their wishes.

"It's fucking blackmail and I'm pissed," Ronald McDonald said. "Who do they think they are, going after the little guy like us?

His comments were caught in unscripted moment on a live feed before a news conference.

Krafft has tried this type of action before. Almost a decade ago a similar campaign was cut short after Bill Gates was pelted with pie.

"It was just too sad a sight. He looked so pathetic we almost cried. " Lewis said. "George Bush (Sr.), took our instructions a little too far. He had to be removed before he did any further damage."

CLEOPATRA: My salad days,
When I was green in judgment: cold in blood,
To say as I said then! But, come, away;
Get me ink and paper:
He shall have every day a several greeting,
Or I'll unpeople Egypt.

Article Author: Temple Stark

A graphic designing wordsmith, with a decade-plus career in community journalism behind me. Take a mean photo, have a new camera, and have been riding the wave of Twitter for more than a year.

Visit Temple Stark's author page — Temple Stark's Blog