Several of our fellow neighbors and taxpaying objectors have gotten themselves into a medical tizzy, or as the laymen call it, "a fit involving shit."
You see, there's a provision in the new health care bill wherein everyone must buy health insurance starting in 2014 lest they incur penalties which could cost more than the premiums themselves. Never before has our government forced people to purchase a product or service. Granted, not everyone is required to do this (there are some exceptions for poor people), but several concerned and healthy citizens are taken aback by this sudden demand.
Which is why I'm proud to announce my new partnership as a spokesperson for Red Nostril Insurance.
Red Nostril is the nation's foremost affordable health insurance provider. Our top priority is customer service and patient care. At RN Insurance, our customers come first because they are also people with feelings and olfactory nerves. We understand you are on a budget, and you are probably as healthy as a happy little otter, so that's why our prices are low to meet the needs of today's go-get-em individual. For just 98 cents a month you'll get the health insurance that's not only reliable and trustworthy, but also federally mandated.
There is one stipulation: Red Nostril Insurance only covers nosebleeds.
However, nosebleeds are no laughing matter. Known clinically as epistaxis, they can occur to anyone at any time, usually at the most inopportune moments such as conference calls, bridal showers, and rhinoplasty procedures.
As a customer of Red Nostril Insurance, when you call our toll-free hotline we will send you an envelope through registered mail complete with a set of cotton balls and two disposable tissues so you can mop up that unsightly blood and plug the leak. That's pretty much all we do. But this is something our competitors don't do.
We won't deny you if you have a preexisting condition. (Even though we'd like to.) If you've had nosebleeds in the past, or are currently suffering from one, you cannot be turned down.
Sign up now and you'll receive our complimentary pamphlets, "Stop Pickin' It: Nosebleed Preventiveness And You" and "So You're Bleeding Profusely: Relax, Your Body Can Make More."
Remember, at Red Nostril Insurance, our motto is: Laugh... or I'll blow your lips off!™ Because there's nothing in the bill that says we can't steal movie taglines.
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Article comments
1 - Arch Conservative
Rumor has it that King Barry used to get frequent nosebleeds.....
I wonder why.
2 - Silas Kain
Let's be fair, Arch. The same was said about the previous King. In the end, it doesn't matter. Presidents are just placeholders. Everything which ails this country is distributed amongst 535 individuals who gather under a Dome in the City on the Hill.
3 - Jordan Richardson
Rumor has it that King Barry used to get frequent nosebleeds.....
Oooh oooh, I know! It's because he did cocaine, maybe. Oooh, cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine.
So what?
4 - Jordan Richardson
Matt, where do I sign up? I'm tired of waiting for hours in crowded Canadian socialized hospitals for free cotton balls, damn it.
5 - Arch Conservative
Well Silas I'm no big fan of the previous King either but at least he had a sense of humor.
6 - roger nowosielski
Besides, cotton balls have many uses, so for 98 cents a month it's a hell of a deal.
7 - jeannie danna
no comment.
8 - Ruvy
Lighten up Silas,
"Everybody's doin' it, doin' it, doin' it;
Pickin' their nose and chewin' it, chewin' it chewin' it.
It's really bad, but a buck a month will cover that nose;
Cause everybody's doin' it no-ow."
Just ninety eight cents a month is all you need to protect from those symptoms of high blood pressure, folks! Red Nostril Insurance!
Nighty-eights cents a month! Now is that a bargain, or is that a bargain? Go to the bar and get into brawls and really get some value for your nosebleed insurance!
Choose Red Nostril! It's the best!
Nighty-eights cents a month! People, that is an irresistable deal in this age of high prices for barely anything in return! Cotton balls for nothing and nose-picks for free!
Red Nostril Insurance! You can't go wrong!
9 - Silas Kain
I wish I could lighten up, Ruvy. I shouldn't give a damn. I'm lucky if I live another 10 years never mind 20. I should just ride out the end of my life and not worry about what comes for the next generation. The problem is that I'm not ready to pass the torch. It doesn't burn bright enough for my tastes and won't illuminate the way for the next generation. So, in my waning years, I want to try and change it.
10 - roger nowosielski
Change it from up above, Silas, from Mount of Olympus.
Ruvy will point the way.
11 - Silas Kain
Well, when I arrive at the entrance to Hades I am hoping the welcoming committee will tell me if I can't stand the heat I must get out of the kitchen. That's about the only way I'm gonna avoid the lake of fire and brimstone. Besides, I figure when I argue my case at the final judgment, Ruvy will be a phenomenal defense attorney.
12 - roger nowosielski
A real devil's advocate!!!
13 - Silas Kain
Thanks for making me laugh, Roger!
14 - Arch Conservative
"It doesn't burn bright enough for my tastes and won't illuminate the way for the next generation."
Yeah it's kinda hard to "illimunate the way for the next generation" what with it being caked in fesces and all.
15 - Ruvy
First of all, Silas, you do not get judged in a court in hell, you get judged in a court in heaven. Second of all, it is your good deeds that speak up for you, not some slippery Philadelphia (or Brooklyn) lawyer. And they speak up for you more loudly and more effectively than any lawyer possibly could.
So, if your goal is to use your declining years to do good, then do good and don't advertise it. Just do it. G-d knows, G-d sees and G-d watches. And He is not fooled by marketing campaigns, either, as are gullible humans.
16 - Arch Conservative
Why do you feel the weight of the world is on your shoulders Silas?
Were you a good father? good husband? Did you try to help others, if even in only small ways, when they needed it, the rest of the time staying out of their way to let them enjoy their own lives?
If you can answer yes to that then I'd say you're already ahead of the game. God doesn't expect everyone to martyrs and saints.
17 - Dr Dreadful
Nice one, Matt. A rare moment of hilarious sanity in the middle of all this stupid carp.
(Everyone feel free to debate whether that last word was a typo.)
18 - Clavos
Sounds fishy, Doc.