I have long been a great fan of Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) and (albeit not for quite so long) of Douglas N. Adams (1952 - 2001). By today's standards, neither could reasonably be deemed a raving or maniacal spokesman for the Loony Left or for the Righteous Right; nor, for that matter, for the Mundane Middle. They were, nevertheless, among the greatest minds of the last century.
Having nothing at all better to do (the rainy season having just begun with a bang — I think it was thunder), and feeling excessively spiritual, I decided to attempt to channel both, in a sort of simultaneous seance, to find out what they might have to say about Life, the Universe and Everything in this age of unprecedented peace and prosperity. A transcript of the seance follows. Uhs, ahs, ummmms and What the Fucks have been redacted for purposes of clarity, brevity, and inoffensiveness.
Seance Chairman (SC): Good evening, Lord Russell, Mr. Adams. It is a pleasure to have both of you appear. To begin: you, Lord Russell died before Mr. Adams had written much of note. You, Mr. Adams, were a young man of eighteen when he passed. Is it therefore reasonable to assume that you two never met?
Lord Russell (LR): No, on Earth we unfortunately didn't. However, we have all of the popular writings, BBC programs and that sort of thing here. Time hangs heavy, and I have read all of his fiction and non fiction. I occasionally wrote a bit of fiction myself (Satan in the Suburbs comes regrettably to mind), but Mr. Adams beat me hands down. Although his serious writing is neither as technical nor as obscure as mine, I do think that for someone not rigorously trained in either mathematics or philosophy, he gets his points across remarkably well. At least, I think I understand most of it.
Douglas Adams (DNA): Thank you kindly, Lord Russell. I was quite surprised to find my scribblings here, along with your own. I was, from my youth, one of your admirers, and think that I profited greatly from some of your more, shall we say, popular writings. Your Outline of Intellectual Rubbish and Why I am Not a Christian are among my favorites. As you may know, I was a Radical Atheist. My funeral was at St. Martin-in-the-Fields, an Anglican church; opening and closing remarks were by the Reverend Mr. Anthony Hunt; a bunch of religious songs and Richard Dawkins were somehow squeezed (uncomfortably, I suppose) in the middle. So, I guess few things make much difference at the end.
SC: I am very pleased to have you both. Now, if you will, some questions. I hope to turn this into an article grounded in politics, broadly speaking. So, if there are no violent objections, can we talk about that?
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Cindy
Well Dan S.(Miller),
Your seance seems to have gone a lot better than Zaphod's:
"Concentrate," hissed Zaphod, "on his name."
"What is it?" asked Arthur.
"Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth."
"What?"
"Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth. Concentrate!"
"The Fourth?"
"Yeah. Listen, I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, my father was Zaphod Beeblebrox the Second, my grandfather Zaphod Beeblebrox the Third..."
"What?"
"There was an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. Now concentrate!"
2 - Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
Apathetic bloody planet. I've no sympathy at all.
3 - roger nowosielski
Is that a compliment?
4 - Dan(Miller)
Ah well, Cindy, time travel is sometimes confusing. Not only that, but we don't have sufficient tenses to talk much about it. It would, for example, be difficult to say that the tree is about to fall last year. Or, next week I went to Montana.
Oh well.
Dan(Miller)
5 - Cindy
Ah well, I see exactly what you mean Dan S.(Miller). The trouble is I just don't have enough time to have gone to Montana next week. I'll have to try to go there last month.
(if I had gotten the time next year of course)
6 - roger nowosielski
Never mind Montana. Visit Kentucky. I'll be waiting.
7 - Dr Dreadful
The best work which attempts to unravel (and in many cases to invent) the absurdly convoluted tenses needed for discussing time travel is of course Dr Dan Streetmentioner's The Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations, available in all good bookstores, of which there are unfortunately none on the planet Earth.
It is not a pretty subject, and most people only get as far as the Future Semi-Conditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up.
8 - roger nowosielski
Wow. This sounds like an alien tongue.
9 - Baronius
Dan, the problem with ouija boards is that your hands move the pointer. I can't help but notice how much your two heroes agree with each other, and with you. In fact, they've only changed their minds on issues to the extent that they now agree with you completely. Are you sure this is a real seance, and not projection?
10 - Dan(Miller)
Baronius,
Of course it is a real seance; I am a recovering attorney, and certainly wouldn't make up this kind of stuff*. Besides, they were both highly intelligent people, so clearly they agree with me, despite any flaws which may have affected their earlier thinking. Perhaps having had eternal leisure to read my various ruminations on BC has helped them to see the light.
Dan(Miller)
*Would I???
11 - Baronius
Dan, that's silly. Why would they be reading BC? If they could see or do anything, why would I waste my time online...I mean "they"...why would they waste their...
huh.
12 - Dr Dreadful
Dan(M), I think Baronius has rumbled you. It's a charming piece, but the Lords Russell and Adams were light years away from you in political terms. It strikes me as more than a bit like one of those 'Abraham Lincoln would've...' statements whose distinguishing feature is that whatever it is that the late and esteemed Mr Lincoln would've, it always seems to match with uncanny perfection the present speaker's opinion.
Then again, it is your séance, so presumably the ghosts have to play by your rules.
13 - Zaphod Beeblebrox
Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?
14 - Dan(Miller)
Baronius,
As you doubtless well know, BC is a "sinister cabal of superior writers" or wrongers; either way. Besides, in an after seance chat, each told me that the other is an avid BC reader.
Should you desire enlightenment on Life after Death, I would respectfully call to your attention one of Mr. Adams' lesser known novels, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Pan Books edition, pp. 64 - 68, where Mr. Adams clearly explains what happened to one Gordon Way immediately after his untimely murder. It seemed a tad weird at first, but I am willing to assume that Mr. Way got over it and is now busily reading everything in the BC Politics Section. Indeed, I had been looking forward to reading his comments on this article; unfortunately, when last seen he was having difficulty actually touching material objects, like keyboards. Maybe some day he will get the knack of it.
Dan(Miller)
15 - Dan(Miller)
Doc, the Lords Russell and Adams were light years away from you in political terms. I shall immediately convey to Mr. Adams the good news that he has been elevated to the peerage. Was it a life peerage, or something more enduring?
Moreover, a light year is not all that far, and is easily sped across in a space vehicle, the Heart of Gold for example, propelled by the infinite improbability drive.
Oh. Yes, in my seances, everyone else is required to play by my rules.
Dan(Miller)
16 - roger nowosielski
Well, "the knack of it" was knocked out of me by the opening line, "the Loony Left and the Righteous Right."
I guess you just couldn't resist it.
17 - Dan(Miller)
Zaphod,
On the one head, it was called Earth. On the other, perhaps it was called something else -- like Insignificant Small Blue Green Planet (ISBGP)*. Ask the mice; they are likely to remember.
Dan(Miller)
Vowels are merely a strange convention of primitive ape descended carbon based lif forms.
18 - Dan(Miller)
Roger, you should have continued on for a word or three. What about the "Mundane Middle?"
However, you are correct. I just couldn't resist; not that I tried very hard.
Dan(Miller)
19 - Marvin
I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever does.
20 - roger nowosielski
Well, Dan, Who am I to say that you're not trying to be fair? But even in the interest of own writings and propagating your own ideas, it'd seem to me that a more even-handed approach would go a long way. You don't want to estrange your readers with the opening paragraph.
Roger
21 - Marvin
He couldn't help it. He's a bit of a hoopy frood wouldn't you say?
Zarkin hoopy frood!...grumble...
22 - Dan(Miller)
Marvin,
I feel even the pain of paranoid, depressed androids. Now, if you would be so kind, please go fetch Ford and Arthur. I suspect that they are frightfully in need of a beer and some salted peanuts.
Dan(Miller)
23 - Dan(Miller)
Roger, You don't want to estrange your readers with the opening paragraph. Only the strange ones. And, of course, Marvin, with the brains of a large planet, is correct.
Dan(Miller)
24 - roger nowosielski
Now you're getting esoteric. I don't know these characters. My favorite it Harlan Ellison.
25 - Marvin
Sorry, did I say something wrong?
Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God I'm so depressed.