Thousands of Salvation Army employees and their families expressed dismay and outrage after President Bush called up 30,000 of the 60,000 employees of The Salvation Army today for combat duty in Iraq. The Pentagon expects The Salvation Army to be in Iraq, “until things are settled”, said Defense Department spokesperson Patricia Haslett. Convoys of Salvation Army workers have been in Iraq since the early days of the war in 2003. However, this is the first time that Salvation Army workers will take up arms for the cause.
The move was made to help bolster security around Iraq’s borders and prevent additional insurgents from crossing into Iraq and disrupting the peace process. Critics of the decision to enlist the Salvation Army, a non-militaristic Christian organization that utilizes military terms to rank its employees, have said that The Salvation Army is ill-equipped to fight the war on terror on the front lines, instead being better suited for non-violent missionary work.
General John Gowans, speaking from Salvation Army headquarters in England said, “This is a most curious decision by President Bush. We are Christians dedicated to peace. In fact, we respect the rights of conscientious objectors. Plus, most of the 30,000 ‘soldiers’ that Mr. Bush has called up can barely walk a mile without collapsing. These people are not prepared for war.” Gowans took a long drag off of a cigarette before continuing, “We’ve been in Iraq doing missionary work since April 2003. Isn’t that enough?”
President Bush announced the troop deployment at a press conference today at his ranch in Crawford Texas before heading off to a golf outing with several local friends. Bush stated, “All members of the active military must be prepared at all times to be asked to join in our quest to rid the world of freedom haters and evil doers. The march to a free Iraq requires sacrifice, and The Salvation Army is up to the challenge. I had an opportunity to speak with National Commander W. Todd Bassett a little earlier, and he was speechless when I told him about the call up.” Mr. Bush paused a moment, and then said, “It was an inspiration to hear the tears of joy that Commander Bassett shed. The Salvation Army is in good hands under his leadership.” Bush also noted that Salvation Army workers currently in Iraq doing missionary work will remain in their current roles because, “that PR stuff is important, too.”
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Victor Lana
I think he should hit all the Senior Citizens (in assisted living, nursing homes, and adult communities). Here there is an untapped population, some with military experience, and W should get right on it.
2 - TBJ
har har very funny, I almost bought it...well, I did buy it.
3 - TBJ
I guess my reaction is more a symptom of the reality we liven in than my own stupidity...I guess...
4 - Silas Kain
Onward Christian Soldiers, marching off to war...
5 - RJ
We have a large elderly population in this country. Many are ill and in pain, and would like to "die with dignity." But laws in most states ban assisted-suicide.
So. How about we ship them out to Iraq, and use them as suicide-bombers against the Sunni insurgents? There is no death more dignified than the death of an American dying for freedom in a foreign land... :-/
6 - Silas Kain
Now, RJ. Have you been smoking weed while watching Soylent Green again?
7 - MCH
Only if you go with 'em, RJ. It'd be your chance to finally prove you're not just all talk...
8 - Anne Other
And it seems one news organisation at least HAS bought it!
9 - Matt
Anne--that's great. I love how that author has taken it upon herself to take credit for the actual piece. I'll let her sink her own ship for stealing without attributing. Then she'll have to explain later how it wasn't her story, and where she got it from.
10 - Nancy
Uh...this was satire? Oh. I thought it was real since the military hasn't been able to make their recuiting quotas in some time & Smirk must be getting desperate for bomb fodder....
11 - Dave Nalle
Matt, you ought to pursue the plagiarism. Shouldn't let people get away with that kind of crap, especially those who call themselves christian.
Dave
12 - Matt
I hear ya, Dave. I probably should.
13 - Aaman
People can leave a comment on that story at the 'Christian' Post - I did
Let's see if other news orgs pick it up now
14 - Eric Olsen
this is classic Matt, inspired! thanks
15 - Macman
Hey- it's a fraud dude. I bet someone hacked Christian Post or something... they'll never do something like this.
16 - Joanie
Exceptional satire, Matt. Kudos for thinking outside the box.
17 - Mack
You would have had most people if you didn't have the general smoking!!!
18 - Cal
somewhat humorous in concept, but very poorly researched. Also offensive, IE the part about the general taking a drag on a cigarette. I have been a part of The Salvation Army for over 10 years. I joined because it is the one group that shows compassion to all people regardless of their nationality, race or even beliefs. To suggest even in a parody that this 'Army would take up arms to cause injury to others is offensive to the extreme. For information on the real Salvation Army please go to www.salvationarmyusa.org or www1.salvationarmy.org
I will pray for you Matt
19 - Matt
Cal--
1. No one in the Salvation Army smokes? That's amazing. I should have researched that before putting it in the article. Thanks for pointing that out. You're right: it was definitely offensive to suggest that a member of the Salvation Army could be a smoker.
2. Thank you for praying for me. I am a depraved satirist in need of divine intervention.
3. I am glad to see that 10 years in the Salvation Army hasn't done damage to your sense of humor.
Thanks again for the prayers.
20 - Georgia
One of my summer journalism students passed this on to me, and I laughed so uproariously that I just had to send it on to practically everyone I know...
Has anyone else noticed the irony attached of the Google ads that have been linked to this post!!!!
I mean, read the ad links in the light of satire (The U.S. Army Survival Handbook; Surviving Deployment????) and...careful, you might need an emergency trip to the "little girls'/boys' room."
Georgia
21 - Bob A. Booey
Professor Georgia, dear.
I have something to pass onto you ...
THE CLAP!
How dare I, you say? I dare!
Clap ... clap ... clap ... clap ... clap.
Bravo on a job well-done of educating the Edward R. Murrows of the future.
That is all.
22 - an officer
Hey,
I was reading an internal salvation army database (Im a Salvatin Army Captain) and you got a few officers scratching their heads wondering if it was the truth! I love your style!
Yes, Mr. President - reporting for duty, sir!
lm
23 - Deb
Very funny...too bad for the mistake in the General taking a long drag...it would have been more believable to write that he was taking a slow and thoughtful drink of his evening wine with Gisele....Salvationists (non drinkers too)would have believed that one...
...and as a Salvationist myself..thanx for challenging our ranks with the reality slap of how far a typical Salvationists might be able to walk...many of us need to stop being so concerned about the drag of the cigarette and deal with our complacent laziness while people struggle all around the world....get moving Salvationists! -Sally Ann Soldier
24 - The SA Man
ddd
25 - Tom
Obviously you have too much time on your hands that you could so denegrate a find organization even though intended to be in gest. (I think)