This is an edited extract of a story that appeared last week in Sydney's Daily Telegraph newspaper: When 30 people gathered in a Sydney ceremony last month to pledge allegiance to Australia, they were treated to a moving speech on what it means to be an Australian citizen ... by an American. While Prime Minister John Howard has been stressing the importance of new Australians swearing allegiance to Australian values, no-one in his party had the time to take on the job. So guest speaker was US Consul-General Steve Smith, whose consulate is in the area and who was initially baffled by the invitation but ended up speaking about the similarities between Australia and the US.
I've been joking about this stuff for the past two weeks, and synchronicity being what it is, something like this was bound to happen. This past week or so in Sydney, two separate newspapers have carried stories about the "Americanisation" of Australia. The Sydney Morning Herald started the ball rolling with a piece headed Yanks R Us on the similarity of our TV viewing habits.
Among other things, it also argued most Aussie children now pronounce the last letter of the alphabet as "zee'', rather than the traditional "zed'', so I tried it on my 11-year-old daughter, who to my shock duly used the American pronunciation. When I questioned her, she replied: "Well, we use the other one too ... they're both right, y'know.''
"What, the proper one, you mean?'' I asked. "No - zed, the other one. We use that too,'' she said. The next morning, she offered further proof that what remains of our culture is all but doomed. She has recently developed a fascination for yuppy cars (perhaps one day she can move to Los Angeles), and while I was driving her to school, we passed a new Jaguar (now owned by Ford). "Oh, look,'' she said, all prim and proper and very English-looking in her grey-checked school uniform and hat. "A new Jag-wah.''
"What's that, Liz? Beg yours? Don't you mean a Jag-you-er?''
"Errrr, no way, dad,'' she said, with a mid-Pacific accent inspired by shows like The OC, with the must-have accompanying eye, mouth, jaw and head movements, and too close to being devoid of any Aussie twang for my parental liking. "Sor-ree for, like, living ... it's a Jag-wah ... don't you know aaa-nnneee-thing?'' Sigh ...
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Great read, Stan.
The only comments I can make are that
1. at the top of my site here there are two ads, both for obtaining Australian citizenship. One is in English - the other in Hebrew with a Tel Aviv (TA to most of us Anglos) phone number.
2. you guys Down Under really have to learn to negotiate. If you're goijng to join the United States, you need to drag New Zealand in with you and get fourteen seats in the United States senate, not one.
Now... Go to the faucet, fill yourself up a glass of water and when you're done drinking it down, repeat after me three times;
oh zee - OZ.
2 - S.T.M
Thanks Ruvy ... I think the NZ issue could be a problem. It's been spoken about before in terms of Australia and NZ becoming a single nation, but I think the Kiwis fear losing their identity.
God knows they love playing us at rugby, and they are really bloody good at it (some people say Australia is, but I think they are the world's best). They love it more when they beat us, which quite a lot. Being the coach of the All Blacks is a more important job in NZ than that of Prime Minister - seriously.
However, there is already unlimited movement between the two countries and as far as I know, the right of abode in both still exists. We are a bit more than just good neighbours, in reality.
BTW, I meant to comment on your post on another thread about transplants. I'd assume you have the same policy there - transplants go on a waiting list that can't be "bought", if you like, and the surgery and hospitalisation is free.
My wife works in a world-famous heart-lung transplant unit, and she recently had a wealthy media executive to care for who is very wealthy. He got the same level of care as, say, farmers from the bush who are struggling to pay their bills because of the drought.
It means peace of mind for most people, which is what you want your citizens to have.
3 - SFC SKI
Great article!
4 - MAOZ
Well, I'm a little rusty on this, but I'm pretty sure Australia (with or without the Kiwis) would get exactly 2 seats in the US Senate -- just like every other state. Maybe Ruvy is thinking of House of Representatives seats. I'm not sure how it would get apportioned out. It's not a matter of having X raw-number of people in your state's population; not "Got another 560,245 people? Ding! You get another Congressional seat." It's what fraction of the total US population a given state has. Say the current form of the Constitution calls for a total of 435 House seats. A state that has 2/435 of the total US population will get 2 House seats. A state with 14/435 of the US population will get 14 seats; and so on. Those relative proportions among states can change over the course of time. That's why the Constitution calls for a decennial census; the House seats can then be reapportioned among the states to reflect such changes.
5 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
MAOZ,
The Commonwealth of Australia is a federation (supposedly) with six states, one continental territory and a number of dependencies in the Indian and Pacific Ocean. The Dominion of New Zealand is a separate country. Assuming that all six states of the Commonwelath of Australia and the Dominion of New Zealand joined the United States as states, and the Northern Territory became a territory, that would be an additional seven states, or 14 additional seats in the United States senate. We haven't talked about the district that comprises the present capital of Australia, Canberra. The representation of such an additional group of states wouldn't be squat in the house of representatives, basically requiring approximately 50 seats at most. But unless the size of the house of representatives was increased by about 50, the representatives of the other states would sure bitch like hell!
You are right about the decenniel censuses to determine representation in the house, though.
6 - MAOZ
Okay, Ruvy, I see where you were coming from. My mistake was thinking your concept was that Australia as a whole enter the Union as a single state. In my defense I would note that Stan mentions (and the book's title includes) Australia as the 51st state, not the 51st, 52nd, 53rd, 54th, 55th, 56th and 57th states inclusive.
Anyway, time for my beauty sleep. Laila tov, all!
7 - Baronius
Wow, Stan, this article makes me feel guilty for my recent "51st state" comment.
Americans have a fascination with Australia. Canada's too close to be intriguing, and it's in some sense French. There are many Anglophiles in the US, but they tend to be aristocrats (unaware that contemporary British culture is coarser and more informal than American). We never think about NZ. Australia represents a looking-glass world to us, similar and different. Easy to forget about, but interesting to think about.
The thing you might not realize about the US is that we're fascinated with other cultures. We take in their emmigrants, steal their recipes, Americanize their music, and drool over their women. There's only one culture that Americans look down upon, and that's our own.
Great read.
8 - Bill B
Way funny, and entertaining.
9 - STM
Thanks dudes ... yeah, you were very close to the bone Baron, old boy. But Americans shouldn't look down on their own culture. It's something to be proud of of in a way that goes beyond jingoism. Stand up and be counted, just like in the late 60s and early 70s. Bring about some more cultural change. Be heard. Get out there in the streets!
Put the power back in the hands of the people, where it belongs, and away from big business and lobby groups and lying politicians.
And Yeah, Ruvy you are right with the supposedly bit ... Queensland has been threatening to secede from the Commonwealth for years (it can't, though), and has also floated the odd insane idea, like flat tax. Must be the extreme hot weather up there that makes 'em hate us (everyone, actually). It is Australia's equivalent of Texas, Florida, Arizona, New Mexico, Alabama, Missisipi, Louisiana etc etc - all rolled into one.
Most of my family is from there thanks to bad organisation on my part and whenever we go up there, my wife turns back into a mad Queenslander about three seconds after we cross the state border. And the hotter it is at Christmas, the more she likes it ... a 40C Christmas Day reminds her of her childhood. I just hide up to my neck in the pool all day.
And the Northern Territory (crocodile country!) and the Australian Capital Territory, although not officially states, now have their own state-style governments as entities within the federal system and share in the federal funding and tax carve-up from Canberra.
Effectively, in other words, they are defacto states. I still don't think we could entice the kiwis to join in, though, although a lot of them already live here and add some more good flavour to this country.
10 - RJ Elliott
Stand up and be counted, just like in the late 60s and early 70s. Bring about some more cultural change. Be heard. Get out there in the streets!
Put the power back in the hands of the people, where it belongs, and away from big business and lobby groups and lying politicians.
An ALP voter, I presume? ;-)
11 - S.T.M
Yes, of course ... how'd you guess, RJ.
Just took a punt, did we??
12 - RJ Elliott
"Just took a punt, did we??"
Not sure what you mean there. You Aussies use a really bastardized form of the English language... ;-)
13 - STM
Yes, good stuff too. I was told this week that it was used as code in New Guinea by Australian soldiers during WWII.
Can you imagine what the Japanese made of terms like, "Look up at sparrowfart". (Sunrise) If the Americans were bamboozled, the Japs would have been totally stumped; and going back to their English dictionaries, searching in vain for fart and sparrow and any possible connection.
Took a punt: it's a kick of a rugby ball that might go where you intended it, and also might not.
14 - Jonathan Scanlan
This article is bunkum. Australia has always been very similar to the United States. What's of particular note is that Australia has always been a dependent culture, which started with England and then shifted to the United States.
Australian culture is built on a predominantly European and increasingly Asian heritage. And it has nothing to do with so called "imperialism."
The reality is, that Australian society is radically different from the United States, especially when you compare the extent of secularism (and when you consider that the abolition of Descartes dualism started here, you fully appreciate that).
Australian culture is not on the commercial networks. It's on the ABC and in publications like The Monthly and Quarterly Essay. Hook-p with a Radio National podcast, and I assure you'll find Australian culture is alive and well.
15 - STM
Maybe you should have pushed through your pseudo-intellectual halo and read between the lines, then Jonathan, as it's a piece of satire, not a serious story, :)
And cut the elitist clap-trap. The ABC, The Monthly and Quarterly Eassy? Please, mate, get fair dinkum.
Real Aussie culture truly IS alive and well. In places like the pub, and the beach, or in the bush, where it's always been.
But not at the fu.kin Art Gallery of NSW
16 - Jonathan Scanlan
STM, this kind of joke is pretty common and stereotypical down here. I see it so damn often and it rarely has any substance.
The reason it's labeled satire is so as to hide behind its excess. Not because it's sending something up.
17 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Jonathan,
Do check out the fact that your fellow Aussie was writing a humor piece and labelled it as such. But from what I've known of Australians here in Israel, Stan is right. Your culture is the culture of ths pub and the beach and the bush - and of course, the sheep stations. The museums and the other stuff imported to your shores to impress the British are just that - imports. And yes, your culture is increasingly influenced by Asia - but it is only as "dependent" as you all choose it to be...
Our culture here - our real culture - is in the synagogue, the shuk, the army, coffee houses, football games, wild parties and the hikes in the mountains and the desert. The papers, the TV, the bars, the museums and all the other crap are just imports from foreigners. But we created the culture of the cell phone, originally known in Hebrew as the "wonder phone" (Pelefon). The teenagers sitting at the bus stop taking to their friends for pay...very Israeli.
18 - STM
It's a piece of satire on how similar and yet how different we are (which is precisely what you noted, Rocket). Perhaps there are people in Australia who need to get their heads out of their own bums before they disappear completely.
For the record, the story of the US consul general is true (but then I doubt you'd read the Telegraph), ute-driving, beer-drinking, football-loving Johnno really does exist and in my book is more a genuine Australian than someone who spends half their life basket-weaving in Balmain, at book readings in Glebe or visiting the Museum of Contemporary Art, and my daughter IS starting to speak like an American, which really worries me.
Like I say, it's good to see through the haze of pseudo-intellectualism with which some Austalians like to surround themselves, largely because of their abject fear that other cultures might see them as somehow inferior if the true nature of what we are is revealed.
Well, I don't feel inferior, and I don't really give a rat's arse about what anyone else thinks either. Perhaps that is the true essence of my Australianism.
Oh, yes, and the fun of it all. Being Australian for me, despite the fact that I work hard, is a bit like being on a holiday that goes on forever. And I'm a Labor voter, too, because I'd like to keep it that way.
And why should my views be any less valid than yours??
And if this sounds like an ad-hominem commentary, all I can is: you started it :)
19 - Jonathan Scanlan
Man, I really need to develop a sense of humour. I generally, took it the way I take shock-jocks on radio.
This is what happens when you reply to things in the morning before you have your coffee.
20 - Jonathan Scanlan
Yeesh, I really should have read the whole article... I didn't even get past the first couple of paragraphs. My apologies.
21 - STM
Jonathan: Apology accepted, no hard feelings?
And Ruvy, if that's true about the mobile phone ... let me at the person who invented it. This thing is the bane of my bloody life and in my view, all of them would be better off thrown down the toilet.
My son manages to lose one every two months or so, along with his wallet and half his wardrobe.
22 - Ruvy in Jerusalem
Stan, the first link is the history of the mobile phone, what we used to consider "car phones." The second is about Pelephone, the "wonder phone" that was handed out for free at its inception. If you read closely, you'll notice Motorola as playing a prominent role in both, and Motorola is a big firm here in Israel.
History of the Cell Phone
Pelephone
The ball is in your court, mate...
23 - STM
Thanks Ruvy: So they are responsible for so much of the drama in my life. Now I know. The best two weeks I have had in the past six years - I was a hold-out - was when I left the bloody thing on the roof of my car while shoving a stack of surfboards in the back and lost it as I drove off. I put off getting another one for a couple of weeks because the peace and quiet was a godsend (I really get pestered at work and by my family and trying to keep the phone bills down at our place ... well, you might as well be King Canute). I go for a two-hour surf and when I come out, I have 20 missed calls and thirty messages, text and or voice, most of them from my wife wondering why I haven't called her about, say, what we need to do regarding bills for the week, despite the fact she knows I've gone to the beach.
My view is she wouldn't have to worry about them if she got her own phone bill down from a figure that usually resembles the gross national product of a third-world country.
They are indeed the tools of the devil. My wife once dropped hers down the dunny (speaking to someone as she was about to go to the loo). I can tell you, I was very tempted to just push the flush button and be done with it.
24 - Clavos
Stan,
I'm late to the party here, but had to leave you a note...
This piece is terrific; funny as hell, and at the same time an interesting insight into life in Oz.
You better keep your little girl away from the TV, or at least the Yank programs. If she sarts ending all her sentences on a rising note, so they sound like questions, it's too late; she's already a Valley Girl.
A fun read.
25 - STM
Thanks again Clav. As you've met quite a few Aussies in your travels, I think you know we are somewhere in the middle - a strange mix of British and American culture that has become our own.
I am glad we kept all the good sports though, like rugby and cricket :)