Every so often these “safety guides” come out for kids and old people. And you would think in a safety guide they would tell you how to keep your kid safe while playing on a playground, but instead this safety guide turns what should be a fun time outside into a cold, sterile, emotionless trip to a play penitentiary. Don’t believe me? Check out the following. All of them are real quotes with my responses after them.
“Equipment should be sturdy and anchored to the ground.”
Let me get my wrench and fix that for you…you said wobbly and dangerous right?
“Supervision — An adult should be watching.”
Preferably one who is not a pedophile right?
“Always wear shoes.”
Because sandals are for mutants.
“A fence should separate a playground from busy streets and parking lots.”
It makes hitting kids with your car more challenging and rewarding. Criminal defense — what would Darwin do?
“Safe landing — Surface should give a little. Sand, smooth edged pea gravel, wood mulch, and spongy surfaces are good.”
No rusty nails? Pfft…losers.
“Railings should have kid sized grips.”
And plenty of trap doors under them.
“Sit when you swing.”
Then when your kid loses interest tell them to stand on their head.
“For swings, cloth or flexible plastic seats are safer than hard ones.”
What they meant to say? The hard ones promote homosexuality.
“Only one child at a time on the slide.”
The parents want to help out the Army recruiters watching nearby.
“Little kids and big kids should have separate areas.”
Because bullying is a fate worse than HIV and kids shouldn’t have to deal with that. Let’s prevent character growth as much as possible!
“Check to see if the merry-go-round are firmly anchored to the ground.”
Then spin the kids until they puke.
“Take bike helmets off the kids before they go play.”
I disagree. I think they should leave the helmet on. Kids in bike helmets are funny to laugh at.
“Can adults see children in the crawl space?”
If not, then awesome.
“Kids should keep a safe distance from swings when they are in use.”
This will prevent many unnecessary blows to the head. We don’t want to make the kids dumber than they already are.
“Watch for glass and trash.”
Because your kid will pick it up and eat it.
“Don’t let bullies dare your kids to make dangerous jumps.”
Kick them in the crotch instead.
“Is the metal on the slide hot? Check to see.”
Then if it is send the kid down. Then tell them that’s for being a jerk to their little brother or sister. And if they don’t have a sibling, laugh at them and walk away.
“Tuck in shirts.”
And pull up your pants. You’re not part of G-Unit.
“Report bolts sticking out from equipment.”
Kids will gnaw on them. I’ve seen them do it.
“There should be a fall zone around the swings. A 10 ft high structure should have 20 feet clear in front and back.”
You can fill the fall zone with lava or toxic waste…what?…we need to put it somewhere….
“Two swings for each support system are the safest.”
Unless your kid weighs more than a sea lion.