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Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Dear Colin,

That was it?

Did someone prepare his homework at the last minute? (You weren’t watching American Idol while doing it, were you? That Simon!) I could have whipped up more convincing evidence with the Clip Art in PowerPoint. Come on buddy, I thought you were a man of integrity and intellect. Your assignment was to show evidence of a “smoking gun.” All I got was a “leaky water pistol.”

I want to believe you that these Iraqis are some bad dudes. I really do. But every time we get together you act like a salesman for a tech company and promise me that as soon as the product is out of “beta” we will be the first to get it. And where are the tech companies these days?

Can I ask you something as my friend? Why haven’t we just popped this Saddam guy? He has it coming. He has been a very nasty little boy. His country would be better off without him and so would the Middle East. Even, I will admit that. I am sure we can find some Rambo-wannabe in our military that could go in and pretend to be Hans Blix and then just pump a few, fat rounds into him. There has to be someone out there who is willing to take that chance of dying for their country. Why not send George W in on a “peace process” mission. When Saddam turns to wipe a booger from his nose, George bitch-slaps him with a tire iron. We may loose the big guy, but Dick and Carl really, really want to be President, so this might be a win-win for all! It would be so easy.

However, for some reason we need to deploy thousands of troops at a giant cost that eats into our precious budget. Do you remember way back when, a few years ago, when Billy Boy presented our country with it’s first balanced budget in 30 years. Seems like someone has bitch-slapped that notion right to hell. Is it a million or a billion dollars per day we are spending on keeping troops over there now? I can’t remember. What percentage of our economy comes from military development, again? It’s a fairly big number, right?

Oh silly me, I am presenting weak evidence to support my case….and I am calling you to task for the same. Sorry….those reasons wouldn’t be why we are near to attacking Iraq anyway. They supposedly have weapons of mass destruction over there like we do…and they might use them on people without just cause…we can’t have that now, could we! We have examples to set. We must defend freedom. Innocent peoples’ lives could be at stake.

So, I await your next presentation. There is this really cool duck in that Clip Art section…

Your friend.

* cross-posted at

About Brian Lewandowski

  • Rob

    You are incredibly obtuse. I suppose you expect Saddam Hussein to appear on a PSA during “American Idol” saying that he has given up Chem weapons as they are bad for The Children(TM). Why don’t you write another post about how it’s all about the OIL?

  • Brian

    Read it again Rob….then re-work your comment when you get sarcasm.

  • Jim Carruthers

    Dear Colin:
    I had a question about that anthrax. It’s pretty clear that whoever set you up the ‘thrax was a ‘murrican, and probably involved in the secret stash of chemical and biological weapons programme you’ve been carrying on for the past 30 years.

    And also, if Iraq is doing all sorts of things they shouldn’t be (and I have no doubt they are) who is selling them the stuff? You can just show us photocopies of the receipts, it’s not like Saddam is going to pester you for warranty coverage. I know you’re just waiting for the cheque to clear before bombing the fuck out them, but some credibilty would be nice.

    If you could get back to me at your earliest convenience, I’d appreciate it.

  • Brian

    Nice one, Jim!