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Pirates of the Caribbean

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Cool movie. I wasn’t expecting that. Most pirate movies blow (Slate ran a neat piece on that phenomenon last week). And how does a movie based on a fucking animatronic Disney ride have any right to not suck?

But it didn’t suck, mostly because of the performances. Geoffrey Rush, that scene chewing over-actor, is perfectly cast as a scene chewing, over-acting pirate captain. Johnny Depp is great as the world’s gayest pirate. Damn, he is such a queen as Captain Swishy. I mean, Captain Sparrow (at one point he cuts the corset off a woman who can’t breathe, then explains that he learned to do that in Singapore. Singapore? The place that caned a kid for graffiti?). Orlando Bloom is good if a bit bland, and not nearly as luminous as he is in the LotR movies.

But, you’re asking, how’d they do on the most important casting decision of all? And why haven’t you mentioned the babe yet, Matt? You usually get to that in the first paragraph, if not in the first sentence. Well, they did a damn good job. I don’t know her name, nor do I need to, since I think this is again one of those roles that make the actress look so good that every movie hereafter will be a disappointment. But she was gorgeous, just amazing. Long neck, perfect skin, ridiculous lips, and those big, dark, wide eyes that just make you forget every other woman. Well, that’s what they do to me, anyway, I’ve got a thing for eyes.

Plot? Predictable. Dialogue? Occasionally funny. Action scenes? Fucking awesome. I totally agree with Lileks on this one. The lack of wire-fu or obvious, show-offy CGI crap was refreshing. And I just love the phrase, “they stand there and hack at each other with pointed sticks, the way God and Douglas Fairbanks wanted them to.” Brilliant.

I highly recommend this movie. Probably my favorite of the summer action blockbusters, just barely nudging out X2 because of Depp’s flamboyant performance. As a service to my readers, the next movie I’ll be seeing will be The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, so you don’t have to!

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About Matt Moore

  • I have to see this. Pirates are just sexy… so if Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp show up in a pirate costume in whatever movie I have to buy a ticket.

  • james

    what did the writer mean by ” the place that caned a a kid for graffitti” in the article? he ought to to respect other country’s law system.
    I mean u go to other people’s place, u behave yourself.

  • What do you mean by “what did the writer mean”? I thought it was a pretty straightforward interrogative statement about whether or not he really said Singapore, which is a place that canes teenagers for graffiti.

    Sure the kid was a punk, and maybe he deserved what he got. But Singapore is still accurately known as the place that imposes extermely serious and scarring punishments for what most countries consider misdemeanor offenses.

  • I don’t see how my statement showed lack of respect for their legal system. I was just surprised that the movie used such a straight-laced place (bubblegum is illegal!) as a destination for some very loose (sexual?) acts.

    And hell, I’ll disrespect anyone’s legal system if I effing feel like it. Caning for grafiti is ridiculous, but so is jail time for drug possesion.

  • come to think of it matt, its because of loose laws from what ever country u’re from that u are the graffiti-drawing drug possessing lowlifer u are today.

  • Nice, Ben, very nice.

  • meowr

    singapore used to be known as ‘temasek’. it was a strategic trading port in *those* days, kind of like where east meets west. the chinese brought their silk and tea, the indians brought their spices, the africans brought their ivory and gold, the middle easterns brought their myrrh and musk, and the mighty colonial powers that be brought tobacco, guns and shot.

    and that’s *why* singapore was used as a reference. because it was a well known sea port. not for our present day legal system.