This consisted of Melanie posting pictures on her blog of me during various times in my life when it was painfully obvious I was still finding my way to the perfect portrait of coolness that is now me.
She insinuated I had started the whole thing… Sure — as if I’d post pictures of her at her expense. Right.
Melanie has recently gotten married — for the second time. Not that it’s a recurring event… I’m sure Big Jim is HIM for her.
Anyway, her first marriage was many moons ago. She was still too young at that time to purchase alcohol. She relied on me for that. We were living in Hawaii at the time and the year they changed the drinking age to 21 was the year I became 21. Poor Mel. She’d been able to legally buy alcoholic beverages since she was 18. Now at the age of 20, it became illegal overnight for her to imbibe. Heh.
Back to the wedding thing.
My mom wanted to throw a wedding shower. I was tasked with removing Melanie from the house so mom and Mel’s friends could get the place decorated and set up. Removing Mel from the house was no easy task. She didn’t feel like hanging out with me that day.
I had to bribe her. With alcohol. It worked.
We jumped into my Datsun pickup and drove with the windows down — real fast. Real fast is relative, you know. A 1982 Datsun pickup truck doesn’t actually go real fast.
We drove to a liquor store and purchased Melanie’s favorite adult beverage at the time — MD 20/20 [a most favored bum beverage]. I brought the brown paper bag out to Mel and we proceeded to share. We drove all over the place, singing to the radio and drinking MD 20/20. Actually, Melanie was drinking the lion’s share of it… afterall, I was driving.
As we drove over the Pali, heading back to the windward side of Oahu [and home], the radio was blasting Toni Basil’s “Mickey“. Mel and I were
screaming singing at the tops of our lungs, “OH MICKEY, YOU’RE SO FINE. YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU BLOW MY MIND. HEY MICKEY – HEY MICKEY!”…
Meanwhile, with the windows open, the wind blowing our hair, we felt good and life was wonderful. Then just as I went to inhale an extra large breath of air so I could belt out another round of “Mickey”, the
roach clip hanging feathered rearview mirror decoration ended up going VOOMP! down my throat.
So, “OH MICKEY, YOU’RE SO FINE. YOU’RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND!” ended up sounding like, “OH MICKEY, YOU’RE SO FINE. UCKGAAAAAACK!” and we swerved back and forth across the road as I struggled to dislodge the damn thing.
By the time the two of us arrived home for Mel’s wedding shower, we were two hours late. My mother glared at me as we stumbled in. Melanie’s eyes were glassy as she exclaimed, “HEY!! What the hell is going on here?”, with a big, dumb smile on her face.
“She’s DRUNK?!” My mother hissed at me. “Yes…. it was the only way to get her out of the house.” I attempted to explain. Let’s just say I stayed away from mom the rest of the day.
Mel had a grand time. She ate with her fingers [chop suey -- the rest of us used utensils], she opened her gifts with her teeth and she passed out on the couch afterward.
Before she passed out, though, her friends, mom and I did the time-honored tradition of dressing her in the wrappings left over from her shower gifts. You know, how you take the wrapping paper and make a wedding dress, then take the ribbons and bows and make a boquet?
Here’s the result:
Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful