On Monday night, the New York Jets will be coming to Gillette Stadium to try and maintain sole possession of first place in the AFC East and tussle Tom Brady’s hair before they prance out of the stadium whistling. The New England Patriots, meanwhile, will look to keep that from happening as they steal first place out from under Rex Ryan, which will be difficult because he has been indulging heavily in the holiday eggnog a little early this year.
To win this game, both teams will need a lot of grit, determination, luck, and sneaker endorsement deals. It’s hard to predict which will come out on top. Rather than ramble on about useless facts and statistics, I will now explain for you exactly what each team will need to do in order to win. I have determined my list by calling upon my many years of battle-hardened analytical skills developed from the Madden video game franchise and two whole years of fantasy football.
New York Jets
- Mark Sanchez must prove that he is of legal age to play in the NFL, as he may be the youngest looking 24-year-old professional athlete I have ever seen. It might be in his best interest to let a few linemen pummel him for awhile, to toughen his face a bit.
- LaDainian Tomlinson needs to change his first name to “Ladanian,” because I almost always spell it incorrectly on the first attempt and I’m tired of getting yelled at by bitter Chargers fans, all of whom seem to still believe Tomlinson is playing in San Diego.
- Mike DeVito, who looks and is named like a member of the Sicilian Mafia, must break Tom Brady’s legs with a tire iron while successfully evading the suffocating onslaught of teenage women that will attempt to turn him into body glitter afterward.
- Rex Ryan must prove, as he has asserted in recent days, that he is just as beautiful and fancy as Tom Brady by posing for GQ while riding a horse shirtless. It also might be a good idea to get his wife into a more suitable periodical venue, such as Cosmopolitan. InStyle isn’t going to cut it.
- The special teams unit must sacrifice itself in a valiant, although likely unsuccessful attempt to keep Bill Belichick from reciting the forbidden incantation of the Ballomore demon and bringing a violent and painful end to the Earthly reign of humanity.
New England Patriots
- Tom Brady must remember that should he win, he will take sole possession of the NFL record for consecutive home wins, as well as ensuring the Patriots position in the AFC East and possibly a first round bye in the playoffs. Also, he will save the lives of all starving children and bring peace and prosperity to the Middle East. No pressure, though.
- Danny Woodhead must acknowledge, via an international press conference, that he is aware that he has one of the most hilarious names in modern professional sports. I would also recommend taking the helm of a daytime talk show called “Woodhead and Friends.”
- Matt Light needs to place his wife and children into protective custody and come out of hiding. Belichick has promised the NFL negotiators that he will let them live, and he only disregarded approximately 47% of the terms of the last negotiation, which, for the mathematically challenged amongst you, is less than half.
- Wes Welker has to, in addition to his traditional duties as a wide receiver, fill in as a half-time sideline color commentator. I don’t know why, or how this will impact the game. I just think this would be hilarious.
- Bill Belichick needs to, against his better judgement and all that he holds as just and true, smile when his team scores a touchdown. I can assure him that it is normal to sometimes be happy, and that not every occasion warrants the infliction of eternal suffering upon occupants of the first row of seats.
I hope everyone has time to restock their designated emergency nacho supply after a full day of football on Sunday, because Monday night promises to be an exciting way to watch the Jets lose and Rex Ryan cry.
Not that I’m biased, or anything…