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Patriots vs. Bears: Keys to the Game

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On Sunday, the Patriots finally play a game of football on a Sunday, in Chicago against the Bears, who are 9-3 in 2010. Coming off a shellacking of the Jets that left Rex Ryan physically incapable of eating vegetables, Bill Belichick and his squad look to take on another great defense.

The Bears, meanwhile, are fresh from an embarrassing almost-loss to the Lions, a team that insists on continuing to play in Detroit despite indisputable proof that it is, in fact, Detroit. They will be looking to assert their ability to win the “big game” by beating the streaking Patriots at home.

To win this game, each team will need to have, at minimum, six independent appearances on SportsCenter before Saturday afternoon, and the Patriots are solidly in the lead at 4-1. Assuming the Bears can’t catch up, they will be desperate for each of the following “keys to the game” that are of paramount importance to the outcome of the anticipated contest.

Chicago Bears

- Jay Cutler will need to remember exactly what he ate for breakfast the morning before beating the Eagles on November 28th, because he will need every inch of his Wheaties to take on the fearless Belichick, who eats babies before kickoff.

- Lovie Smith will need to legally change his first name to something more manly, like Chuck or Biff, so that he can forget that he almost lost to the Lions, something not easily forgiven.

- Mike Ditka will need to be somehow involved in the game in a crucial way, perhaps as the placekicker, to prevent the inevitable haunting and massacre at the hands of the ghost of Chris Farley.

- Chicago will need to prevent the resurgence of the Joker and his crew, who has been unwittingly unleashed on the city by Christopher Nolan, who cares not for human lives but only box office success.

- Bill Belichick will need to become distracted by something of pivotal importance, such as a hostage, who has escaped from his midieval-style dungeon, running across the field naked holding a sign begging for help.

New England Patriots

- Tom Brady will need to avoid getting hit in the ankle by an arrow from the bow of a toga-clad Orlando Bloom, as that is believed to be his only mortal weakness.

- Wes Welker must abandon his quest to appear more human and imbue compassion, giving in to his cold robotic tendencies and desire to annihilate all of mankind by running over the Bears defense and breaking their souls with his icy stare.

- BenJarvus Green-Ellis has to keep working on his new signature, which looks a lot like Bobcat Goldthwait having a seizure while holding a feather pen since he legally changed his name to look less ridiculous.

- Matt Light has to stop spiking the punch bowl with strychnine right before Belichick goes to get a cup. Belichick only feeds off the poison and is made stronger by the emotional security in knowing his players are still trying to kill him. Plus, tight end Rob Gronkowski loves punch.

- Danny Woodhead will need to grow at least three inches and finally get his driver’s license, because his mom is sick and tired of having to drive him to every game and he is in serious danger of being grounded.

Sunday promises to be an exciting contest and I can only hope the stadium is not completely destroyed in a flawed but epic sociological experiment conducted by an untrained scientist involving several fake triggers and a whole row of convicted criminals.

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