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Paterno Will Make Penn State’s Football Stadium Nittany Fresh

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There is nothing to love about being 20 years old and forced to do custodial work. Which is why there is everything to love about Joe Paterno requiring his football team to clean their football stadium.

Penn State’s 80-year-old legendary football coach, whose glasses seem to gain an extra ring for every year he ages, told his football team they must help scrub and mop Beaver Stadium after every home game this year. After six players were arrested in connection with a crazy-scary off-campus fight last month, JoePa is giving them all manual labor. Yep, the whole team. Even those not arrested. They will also have to do some other volunteer work.

The positive ramifications of Paterno’s old-school, albeit unique, are so numerous it may make your face implode. So let’s just go through a few, and you can save your facial features:

• Even though legal charges were dropped on four of the players, Paterno’s house sentence teaches that actions still have consequences, even if the law isn’t involved.

• The rest of the team learns that the actions of one player affect the entire team negatively. On and off the field.

• The team will have a newly-found appreciation for the movie Coach Carter when they fast-forward to the part where Timo Cruz has to do an ungodly amount of push-ups and suicides, only to see the team pitch in and complete his penance. I guess Paterno really likes that movie or something.

• If Paterno needs to make a restroom break during a game again, he could tell whichever player played the worst to clean the stalls.

• The players with NFL-caliber talent will probably not get stamped with the dreaded “character issues” red flag on their draft report card.

• The players will learn that fighting is wrong, except in the movie Necessary Roughness. I guess Paterno likes that movie as well.

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