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Paris Hilton to Release Reggae/Hip Hop Album

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And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine. And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, "Paris Hilton Plans Reggae, Hip Hop Album."

Millenialists, biblical numerologists, and assorted whackjobs are looking to June 6, 2006 (6/6/06) with a mix of anticipation and trepidation, hoping for and/or fearing the End of the World. Well, they're not looking for the right kind of signs. Paris Hilton's forthcoming reggae/hip hop album is the clearest indication we've had yet that God's wrath is upon us. What's worse, the album is said to include a cover version of "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart (one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, by the way). Adding insult to mortal (and quite possibly immortal) injury, "Hilton said she wrote the lyrics to seven of her songs." Seven songs … seven seals. Anybody?

According to the Yahoo/AP story, Hilton had to overcome "shyness" to be able to sing in front of people.

I have always had a voice and always known I could sing, but I was too shy to let it come out. I think that is the hardest thing you can do, to sing in front of people. When I finally let go and did it, I realized it is what I am most talented at and what I love to do the most.

There are a lot of words that come to mind when I think of Paris Hilton — some of them even beginning with the letter "s" — but "shy" isn't one of them. Maybe I was just thrown off by the reality TV series, bootleg porno, Vanity Fair photo spreads, ghost-written books, publicity tours, TV commercials, ostentatious public relationships, non-stop partying, and assorted public scandals.

And in case you needed another reason to hate the music industry, her first single, "Stars Are Blind," (not to mention deaf and dumb) will be released this month by Warner Records. Note to Hollywood: Stop feeding Paris Hilton! Maybe she'll just go away.

For the rest of us — people who don't get everything we could ever want handed to us on a silver platter that's been dipped in gold and lined with diamonds that were mined in Eldorado by magic fairies — it's time to repent, for the day of judgment is upon us.

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  • http://www.booklinker.blogspot.com Deano

    “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”

  • David

    Paris Hilton is a dumb whore and I wish she would
    just shut her mouth and go away so no one ever has
    to hear from here again.

    Slut.

  • Meh

    I can’t believe this dumb ugly bitch is still getting attention from anyone, let alone big corporations. Are there people who actually ENJOY seeing this girl? She’s not even hot. Ugly nose, droopy eyes, what’s there to like?

  • Mike

    Where have you gone, Stanley Kirk Burrel?*
    A nation turns its lonely eyes to you
    Woo woo woo . . .

    (*Actual given name of the former rapper formerly known as “M.C. Hammer.”)

  • http://Ha!Ha! Boo Ya!

    Paris Hilton is a good singer. If you don’t think so than you are definitley DUMB! And by the way she isn’t stupid. So HAH!!!!

  • pp

    lol…..

  • http://boogers julia

    I like Paris Hiltons new song.
    The way I like cervical crabs..
    Actually, the two go hand in hand, don’t you think?

  • ll

    She sounds no worse than Gwen Stefani, Ashlee Simpson, Lindsay Lohan or the other bubblegum pop singers out there. Its just what one would expect from a Paris Hilton. Im actually suprised, it sounds better than I expected from the airhead.

  • http://n/a johnsy

    gwen stefani should never be put in the same club as ashlee simpson, lohan or any “bubblegum” singers. she happens to have an outstanding set of pipes. check her duet with brian setzer – swing music really highlights her talent. no doubt’s 1st record also shows some incredible energy and range. however i cannot comment on her “solo” record, i couldnt buy it without the boys backing her up.

  • http://fuckyouparis.org Mike Crotch

    She is a slut :)

  • http://absent-mind.blogspot.com/ Jet in Columbus

    Are you sure that message wasn’t from Mike Hunt?

  • mark

    Paris Hilton grew up with a silver spoon stuck up her butt, and doesn’t know what is like to work hard, struggle in order to achieve success. I’m sure she paid more for the production of that song than the profits she will ever make for that song.

  • TNK

    My daugher is so into Partis Hilton its not even funny, so someone gave the CD to her as a gift (ugg). I for sure thought trash, horrible, etc. prior to listening to the CD. I was actually surprised. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, in fact some of the songs were catchy.

  • Harris Pilton

    I dont no why you peepl are so down on Paris she has worked reely hard to learn the music reel good she has studeed music for years and knows all about music cords and notes like C flat and E sharp and all that stuff she can tell you how many keys are on a piano how many of u know that huh???? she has a gr8 cents of rithum 2 have you ever seen her clap to the mucisal beat??? y cant u jes get off my back … I mean her back she desrves to make jilllyuns of $$$ for beeing so talented as a mucisal scollar an amazing expert

  • http://billy-joe-mad jade halpenny

    i lov paris nd am happy she is doin diz to prove ppl wrng. GO PARIS!!!!!!!!!XXX