With the election of 2008 already days behind us, it’s time to shift our focus to the election of 2012. The main order of business now is to rid the Republican Party of the few remaining moderates who stand in the way of party unity and party purity.
Sarah Palin has already proven that she can simultaneously be a uniter and a divider. Among her many God-given talents is her uncanny ability to exhibit a cheerful, sunny, Reagan-like disposition while channeling the hatred that the Almighty feels for gays and liberals and socialists and terrorists and immigrants and abortionists and women who get abortions and Democrats and moderates. She will divide the Republicans by uniting the base. (By “the base” I mean the core of the party – Evangelicals and other individuals with superior moral values – not “base” in the sense of being crass or vulgar.)
Sarah will also end whatever wars we are engaged in and will fight evil-doers around the world instead with a series of Crusades. I know that I speak for all real Americans when I say that I would be much more inspired to support the endless loss of life and continual destruction required to rid the world of terrorists and druggies and poor people if such actions were referred to as the Crusade Against Terror, the Crusade Against Drugs, and the Crusade Against Poverty.
The cost of these Crusades can be kept to a minimum by utilizing the synergies between and among them. We could enlist poor people to fight the terrorists. (Okay, I’ll admit we already do that to some extent, but we need to enlarge and extend our efforts.) When they die by the thousands, voila – we have reduced poverty.
Likewise, with the drug abusers. We can entice them to join the armed forces of this great nation of ours by shifting the focus of the “don’t ask – don’t tell” policy from homosexuality to drug use. Of course, I do not condone drug use (other than alcohol, cigarettes, and prescription drugs legally obtained by paying for doctor visits), but the trade-offs in this case make it worth it. First of all, while illicit drug use offends Our Heavenly Father, He gets much angrier at the mere thought of homosexual activity. And now that gays are pushing to violate the sanctity of marriage by making life-long commitments to one another we really need to have a Crusade Against Homosexuality. We obviously can’t allow gays to serve in the military during such a crusade.
Furthermore, if soldiers operating under the influence of dangerous narcotics remain in the service long enough they will eventually screw up and get themselves killed. (Having fallen during a noble crusade against terrorists and other wicked people, they will be allowed to spend eternity in Purgatory instead of Hell. That should be a comfort to them and their loved ones). More importantly, their deaths will reduce drug use.
Make no mistake about it, we are engaged in an eternal struggle against evil. Even in our own country there are evil-doers who are constantly doing evil things, such as standing in the way of prayer in school, opposing religious tests for candidates for public office, and favoring civil liberties for their own wicked kind. Those of us who are righteous, morally superior individuals, who share a hatred-fueled love for this great country of ours, can never tolerate or accept the dirty deeds (done dirt cheap) of these godless infidels.
By definition, this struggle between true Americans and pretend Americans is a civil war. That does not mean we have to be civil in conducting it. We need leaders with the ability to spew hatred with a cheerful disposition and smiles on their faces. Leaders like Sarah the Impaliner.
We cannot allow Sarah Palin to go back to Alaska and fade from public view. We can not expect the lady who will smash the glass ceiling (that the impure Hilary Clinton could only crack) to go back to shopping at consignment stores after growing accustomed to stocking her closet with the finest clothes that other people’s money can buy.
The liberal media has been quick to proclaim the end of the Reagan Revolution. We true believers know that the revolution has just begun. The Gipper has been reborn in Sarah Palin. The Second Coming of the Gipper is at hand. With crusades launched simultaneously against evil-doers of every variety we can bring on the glory of the “end days.” We can herald Armageddon and The Rapture.
Hallelujah! Praise Palin and pass the ammunition.