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Overachieving Football Franchise Seeking Single White Linebacker

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(Reprinted without permission from unnamed job site. Veracity unconfirmed.)

Six-month contract available with Chicago football club for line backer.

* Midfield sweeping work Sundays from 12-3 pm most weeks.
* Defending the pass over the middle is optional.
* Paid monthly; bonus for staying upright at the end of each work week.
* Must pass background and drug test. (Not really.)
* Must bring own excuses for gasping wins against decidedly mediocre opponents. (However, rash comparisons of offensive lead player to Tom Brady will be provided free of charge.)
* Innate mental ability to cast kicked objects to the left a plus.

If interested, please attach resume and pictures of recent victims.

This Chicago football club is an internationally recognized shuffle dance team and football club located in Chicago, IL, with satellite offices in Bourbonnais, IL, and suburban Phoenix (retiree division). We provide barely adequate levels of scoring and a mildly overrated defense to the greater Midwest in a scenic location just south of the Field Museum, the Shedd Aquarium, and a Super Bowl win.

We have 90 years of experience with football for a diverse fan base covering Chicago, Downstate, and southern Wisconsin residents with discerning taste (or lactose intolerance). Recent achievements include one Super Bowl loss against the Billy Mays of the NFL and 22 years of decidedly mediocre play. Playing dead against Brett Favre a specialty.

Line backers for the Chicago football club are asked to relay words whispered in helmet radios through words and hand signals. (No need to learn any blitz signals.) Ideal candidates will cover entire body in bubble wrap and ask Lance Briggs what he wants on the post-game buffet table.

Candidates do not need to be marketable white men; that part of the position is still filled.

(Note: the position is temporary with the likelihood of recurring contracts being directly correlated to the amount of use the team MRI machine gets.)

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