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Oscar Talk

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I was talking with a co-worker today about the Oscars. Somehow it came up in conversation and we started talking about some of the movies that have won ‘Best Picture’ and as a result, I have to offer some thoughts here regarding some of these films and the ones they beat to get the award. Some are just astounding. This will be a series. Let’s start with the one that still makes me gag when I hear about it: Titanic.

Aside from the special effects, this movie deserved Best Picture (1997) as much as Rosie O’Donnell deserves to be next month’s Playboy Playmate. Just look at the story. We all know that sooner or later the ship is going to sink, so how did James Cameron fill the time in between? He gives us a story that’s older than Strom Thurmond: the rich girl who is engaged to the rich asshole, but falls in love with the charming and handsome poor boy.

Now, in reality, the poor people did not resemble Leonardo DiCaprio. Hell, even the rich people looked dirty in the early 1900’s. DiCaprio, playing ‘Jack Dawson’ would more likely have resembled the guys you see sleeping under the West Side Highway in New York City, instead of the pretty boy you saw on screen. And check out those names. Leo gets a cool name – Jack Dawson. Sounds like a quarterback or a private detective. What did the rich asshole, Billy Zane get for a name? Caledon Hockley. It sounds like something you rub on your feet. “Got athlete’s foot? Rub some caledon hockley on it and that itching will vanish!” If I were Rose (Kate Winslet), I would have dumped him just for having such a stupid name.

Oh and let’s not forget the erotic and romantic scenes in the Renault touring car. And that script!

Jack: Where to, miss?

Rose: To the stars.

I hope they didn’t show this movie on airplanes. There would not have been enough vomit bags to hand out.

The movie was filled with so many clichés, I lost count after about 30 minutes of this 3+ hour drag. Getting hit in the nuts with a sledgehammer would be better than having to watch Leonardo DiCaprio for that long. Forget the death penalty. Tell the most ruthless, sadistic killer his punishment will be to watch ‘Titanic’ 3 times a day for the rest of his life, and he’ll have slashed his wrists during the credits of the second viewing (it is worth it to see the special effects when that boat hits the iceberg). Kate Winslet was laughingly nominated for an Academy Award for this performance. She’s so lame that most guys forget that you get a booby shot in this movie. When guys can’t remember that a particular actress was naked in a movie, then you know it is really bad. Shout out the name of any actress, and if she was naked in any film, he’ll know. For guys it’s like remembering a phone number or pin number to your bank card.

And what about the movies ‘Titanic’ beat out? Check out this list:

“L.A. Confidential”
“As Good As It Gets”
“Good Will Hunting”
“The Full Monty”

It’s almost criminal that it won when you stack it up against these other movies (yeah, even the one where a bunch of pasty white British guys get half naked is better).

James Cameron shouted, “I’m on top of the world!” when he collected his statue for Best Picture (he was one of the producers). He should have had his ass thrown under an iceberg.

Next up: Ghandi

If you want to sit through a 4 hour movie watching some little bald guy starving himself, this one is for you!

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About Jay Caruso

  • kathy

    L.A. Confidential was the best of the year and the decade. A classic that will last. Brilliant acting from all the principles. Dynamite script. Awesome cinematography. Set design, costuming, and soundtrack right on the money. And best of all, no sappy love theme.

  • Kathy, ‘L.A. Confidential’ is one of my favorite films of all time. It was an instant classic and everything you said is 100% spot on.

    That movie was in every way what a ‘Best Picture’ should be and it’s a crying shame that dreck like ‘Titanic’ should win simply because it made so much money.

  • bob

    I agree about Titanic and a whole lot of other oscar winners. Please write about “A Beautiful Mind” beating the likes of “Gosford Park”, etc.

    I get the idea your trying to get across. Why does this happen? The Oscars are a popularity contest. I give up on them.

  • You seem incredibly bitter. And with a box office gross of 600 million, I truly doubt people were vomiting as much as you say.

  • etn

    cant wait for the oscars!!what does the world think of the Oscars??

    results may shock you!

  • a.

    Oh I’m so happy to hear that someone else recognizes what an absolutely abysmal film Titanic was. I didn’t go quite as bonkers as everyone else did over LA Confidential… but it was a better film than Titanic by far.

    Anyone else remember when James Cameron was cool?

  • Titanic was boring. Usually if a movie gets recognized by some industry, I end up not liking it. Forrest Gump is another movie that it’s almost Unamerican for me to hate. If I say it out loud, people freak out. American Beauty…was that the one where it rained frogs? It just seems that you have to pander to the bizarre OR you have to make a hugely expensive movie (recreating a tricked out ship that you’re going to sink) to get an oscar.

  • This article is great! I agree 100%. How about Shakespeare In Love beating Saving Private Ryan?