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Opponents Poison Hillary!

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(Rotters News) February 2, 2005 — WASHINGTON — Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton said yesterday a fainting spell she suffered might have come from food poisoning that she may have picked up at an expensive Westchester County hotel.

“It was either a 24-hour virus or something we ate,” said Clinton, when Rotters Press asked her yesterday what caused her to pass out Monday morning in Buffalo.

“We were celebrating the election in Iraq — and toasting our victorious President Bush. Everybody ate the same salad,” noted Clinton, “but as far as the meat serving, I opted to eat crow — and had humble pie for dessert.”

Clinton attending a meeting at the Hilton with Newt Gingrich and Jeb Bush on Sunday. The subject of the discussion was to be a compromise on Social Security reform measures.

She declined to blame the hotel or her Republican hosts.

“It was just one of these 24-hour ‘bang’ events where you just get really, really sick,” Clinton said. “I don’t know if I should be suspicious, but I did notice a waiter who looked a lot like Zell Miller. He’s retired now, so I know he can use the work. And the waiter could barely speak English, so the resemblance to Miller was remarkable.”

“I decided to get up yesterday morning and keep my schedule, which was probably not the smartest thing to do,” Clinton said.

Yesterday, Clinton startled an audience at the Buffalo Saturn Club when she announced Monday morning that she could not continue. Secret Service agents, who accompany her everywhere, slowly ‘rushed’ to her side.

After she was taken to a nearby hospital, tests reveal the level of dioxin in the blood of the Democratic Senator from New York is more than 6,000 times higher than normal.

A normal level of dioxin is between 15 and 45 units. Almost everyone has some level of dioxins because the toxic chemical is widespread in the environment — mainly from its industrial usages — and accumulates in the food chain.

In the case of Clinton, doctors at the hospital narrowed the search from more than 400 dioxins to about 29 — and are confident they will identify the poison by week’s end. That, in turn, could provide clues for the investigation of the alleged poisoning.

“From a (chemical) fingerprint, at least you can deduce what kind of sources might have been involved,” a police investigator told The Rotters News. “The labs will try to find out whether it matches any of the batches of dioxins that are around, so that maybe you can trace it back to where it was ordered or where it came from. We’re not sure if Zell Miller had anything to do with it, but we did find traces of hominy grits mixed in with the samples.”

Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller both denied having anything to do with the poisoning, and added that they are reaching out to all leading Democrats in a series of luncheons and dinners between now and 2008.

“We want to end the bi-partisan bickering,” Gingrich said, “—as a matter of fact, this weekend, we’re hosting a special Superbowl Party and we’ve invited Barack Obama to share in some bean dip.”

Experts say Clinton, whose face has been pockmarked and disfigured, has probably experienced the worst effects already and should gradually recover, with no impairment to her skills or ability to attract men.

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About Mark Shark

  • http://dietdoc.blogspot.com Diet Doc

    Shark Writes:

    “Newt Gingrich and Zell Miller both denied having anything to do with the poisoning, and added that they are reaching out to all leading Democrats in a series of luncheons and dinners between now and 2008.”

    Reply: Hilarious satire, Shark. Well done. The “reaching out in a series of lunches…” was genuis.

    Cheers,

    Ron