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Online Dating Tips

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These days a lot of people have become lazy and uninterested in leaving their dorm unless sex or alcohol is involved. Thus online dating has become very popular. So we’re going to offer you some tips and an anecdote about online dating to keep you on your toes.

Use a real picture. Self-explanatory right? Not even close. First you have people who refuse to send you photos for a variety of reasons. You know the ones, they’re not of this world, they claim the camera decided to end its own life, viewing the photo may cause grisly death and alcoholism. The list goes on. And then there are people who are incapable of taking a picture. They go for the trendy My Space shit, or they just take the dumbest looking photo they can possibly think of and slap it in as many public places as possible. Did you learn nothing from those creepy guys that used to come to elementary schools and tried to get you to take a good picture? Smile. Face the Camera. And for the love of toast comb your hair.

Don’t be fake. If you spontaneously erupt after eating Mexican, say so. Then stay the hell away from Mexican restaurants. On second thought, tell your possible new buddy the truth, but don’t tell them that much truth. No one wants to know what you do when the lights go out. Make sure you don’t start lying either. Because you will get caught. And in all likelihood the lie will be a big one like, “I don’t live with my parents anymore.” The first second your mom comes home from the mall you bet your ass that your date is going to hit the road faster than a junkie looking for their fix.

Don’t give out personal information like crack. Not even like food you dropped on the floor. In fact, just keep your mouth shut and hit the bars ok?

Meet in a public place. Forget places like the Ritz or the fancy restaurant in town. Head over to the nearest Wal-Mart. Public places will give you a chance to run, and if you’re in a place like Tampa Bay, plenty of video footage in case things (or your new pal) are hairy.

Ask a friend to come. This might be one of those instances where a cock blocker can be a welcomed tool. If you have friends who might not be interested in putting their life on the line, make sure you give them plenty of information. Specifically how you will come back to life and haunt them for the rest of eternity if something happens to you.

Don’t go home with your new friend just yet. That’s how the terrorists win. Instead invite them over to your hopefully gun owning home.

– Remember that scene in Spider-Man 2 where Peter realizes a giant taxicab is about to kill him and MJ? Meeting the person of your Internet dreams is exactly like that. Use your Spider Senses. Otherwise the following may happen to you:

In the spring of 2002 my neighbor Jake decided he was going to find a girl online to hook up with. Jake wasn’t exactly the brightest crayon in the box. He didn’t take showers too often and once managed to light himself on fire while yelling “fire be bad!” And for those of you who listen to my show you’ll realize this is the same Jake we relentlessly mock by saying “I R Jake, Fire Be BAD.” Between being as smart as a Comedy Central network executive and going to a school with a ten to one guy to girl ration it’s not a coincidence that Jake would need to meet a girl online in order to get some.

During a visit to an AOL chat room, Jake came across this girl who we’re going to call “D.” D and Jake started talking a lot on line. We’re talking daily flirting, picture exchanges, and even those nauseating heart icons being passed back and forth. All I or anyone else in the suite would ever hear about is how great this girl, how “totally hot” she was, and how he looks forward to talking to her every day. None of us ever really paid attention or cared for that matter. Until one day one of them came up with the bright idea to meet each other at Alfred State.

So the day comes and Jake is all excited because the pictures that “D” sent Jake were clearly copied off a fashion magazine’s website. I kept saying the pictures were fake but he didn’t want to hear it. I said to him, “wouldn’t it be funny if she comes here and she’s huge?” Not that I have something against bigger girls, but if you’re sending someone fashion model photos instead of actual photos a two foot tall midget in the back of your head should be sounding an alarm.

And something was up. The car came and we saw two girls inside. One girl was a really attractive blonde who turned out to be the famous KT who you’ve seen around the site, and a larger Hispanic looking girl. Jake immediately thought the KT was “D” and went to introduce himself. She corrected him and the greatest thing in the world happened. I looked at my roommate Matt, he looked at me, and we laughed hysterically.

What followed was a long night of awkwardness for our pal Jake while Matt and myself got to hang out with the only cool girl ever to come from New Jersey. Personally I feel bad for “D” and KT driving all the way up to Alfred State just to meet this loser. But I suppose these kinds of things happen when the Internet is involved. This story and tips should always be in the back of your mind because it could happen to you.

The Brandon Show

Edit: BMcK,Aaman

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About Brandon J. Mendelson

  • You should add Amazon links, chop chop

    Funny, common tale of faulty love:)

  • Fun stuff…

  • From someone who has chatting going on 8 yrs now, you haven’t even tapped into the lies that goes on online. Faked illnessess, faked deaths, fakes divorces. Just so many things.

  • Agree with everything. I use this phone service called MyPrivateLine.com so when I meet someone online or at a bar, I give out an anonymous 800 number and extension that rings at my home or cell phone. I can change it. It is not expensive. And I feel more protected. Who wants some loser showing up at your house? I mean anyone can reverse search you phone number and figure out where you live. This is my AAA card for privacy. I carry it for when I need it. Like always these days!!!!!!

  • Hey Roberta, yea I read about MyPrivateLine in TIME Magazine maybe in May? I mean, you can never protect yourself enough and I think women really need to be careful with so many sexual predators out there.

  • Wendy

    Hi! Yeah, I used MyPrivateLine too. I’m glad I found someone else who did!