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Online Dating Blunders: Top 10 Mistakes Men Make When Contacting Women Online

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Here are the top ten things that you should avoid when contacting women online. This will be the most important online dating and relationship advice you'll read all year.

Mistake #1: Sending her 'just' a wink

Most Internet dating sites let you send “winks” or “show interest” for free, but what does this say to her about you? When that really hot girl gets your wink, she sees a guy that's not serious about wanting to contact her and too cheap to fork over the $20 membership fee. What a wonderful way to start off a relationship. Not!

She also knows that a wink is an easy “cop-out.” Anyone can scroll through hundreds of online profiles and wink at everything that moves. From her perspective, why should she spend time on you when there are dozens of guys taking the time to send her real messages every day?

Mistake #2: Not having a recent quality photo in your profile

This one should be easy, but the fact is, most men do not upload their photo. The statistics on this one are very clear. Profiles with photos get 10 times more looks than those without; and profiles with quality photos get four times more than profiles with poor photos.

Let me ask you: When you log on to a dating site and search, don't you search for women with photos in their profile first? Why would she be any different? Many women will assume you have something to hide if you won't post your photo – like maybe your wife.

If you don't like your photo, have one made professionally. There are many professional photo services that do nothing but create great photos for your online dating profile. If you want to stand a chance against the other guys out there, upload a good quality photo.

Make sure you upload a recent photo. Nothing is more disappointing than to meet someone and realize the picture they sent you was 20 years and 40 pounds ago!

Mistake #3: Sending a message with a boring subject

Fact #1: Guys outnumber girls by at least two to one on most online dating sites, and that's a conservative number.

Fact #2: Good looking girls get dozens of winks and messages in any given day. You can have the most awesome profile and you can send her the most intriguing message, but she may never see it. How come? Simple; once again, women with good online profiles get lots of winks and messages every day. Give her a reason to open your message first! It has to stand out among all the others or it has a high chance of getting deleted and never read.

Spend just as much time crafting an intriguing subject line as you do in writing the rest of your message. Ask her a question or specifically reference some detail in her profile so that she will know you actually read it and are truly interested in more than just her looks.

Mistake #4: Sending her a vague, generic or otherwise lame message

You made the effort to become a paying member of a dating site and want to make the most of your membership, but then you came up with a standard boilerplate message and you quickly copied and pasted it to dozens of girls.

Go you! At least that's what you think. Okay, reality check.

Women like to feel special and important. They can smell a lame form message a mile away, and the delete button is always close at hand. Why not take a different approach? Actually read her entire profile (we know it's painful, but do it anyway), learn everything you can about her, and then send her an insightful, personal message.

Remember, you're messaging her and she needs to feel she is the only girl in the entire world that you are interested in. Keep your messages fairly short and concise. Compliment or make reference to some thing or things you found interesting in her profile. Conclude each message with a “clear call to action”. Always be friendly and polite, but tell her what you would like her to do next.

Don't leave her wondering. An example is “talk to you soon” or “drop me a line.”

Mistake #5: Taking too long to respond to her message

With all the buzz around the seduction and “pick up artist” community these days, many guys are afraid of scaring women away by appearing too eager or desperate. They get her message and then wait, and wait, and wonder when it's okay to answer her.

Let's clear this up. Responding promptly is not a bad thing. It will likely help you stand out from the other dozen guys that messaged her today. Like most opportunities in life, you're far better off striking while the iron's hot. Get over it and message her back. In fact, do it while she's still logged on. Forget the head games and be yourself. Women are attracted to confident men who are comfortable in their own skin. Be yourself and you'll be fine!

Mistake #6: Asking for her personal information too soon

You messaged this really great looking girl and she responded with a basic “Hi” message. Now what? You want her real email address, her phone number, her work number, or better yet her address so you can go there now, right? Stop!

Asking her for any personal information in your first messages is a quick way to kill the relationship before it starts. Think of two dogs approaching each other – what do they do? They approach slowly and cautiously, and proceed to sniff each other. Why do they do this? They're getting to know each other. People are the same in many respects. Don't scare her off. Take it slow and let her get to know you before requesting personal information.

Mistake #7: Making sexual innuendos in your first message

Yes, she's really hot. Yes, her profile seems flirty and sexual. You think it's okay to be overtly sexual when you try to contact her. Wrong! Unless you're on AdultFriendFinder.com or other adult site, sexual innuendos are unlikely to help you. They'll most likely torpedo any chances you might have had with her, so don't do it.  

Mistake #8: Sending her money or a credit card number

Yes, the ever-popular Nigerian (or whatever country is in on it this month) money scam. Social networking sites, including online dating sites, are plagued by scammers. Guys you know are falling for it every day. Remember, the whole “if it sounds too good to be true” idea still stands!

If your online profile is really bad and all of a sudden a girl strangely resembling a supermodel emails you and promises to make all your dreams come true, take it slow. Do not send money or other financial information to make her come to you.

Mistake #9: Checking out her “really hot” nude photos on her personal website

The ever popular “cam girl” phenomenon is surprising scores of new men on a daily basis.

So, what's a “cam girl?” Well, let's say you're searching profiles and run across this great looking girl. She looks friendly, approachable, and is wearing a highly suggestive outfit. To make it better, her profile has a link to her “private website” where you can “see more of her.” What luck!

You click on that link and to your surprise you have to “verify your age by providing a credit card number”. Hmmm. If you want to browse an adult site, then proceed and enjoy, but recognize this for what it is – often a teenage high school male pretending to be a really hot girl in order to make money by sending happy surfers (read: you) to a pay-per-view adult site.

Mistake #10: Not knowing what you really want

The last blunder is actually by far the most important one. Put simply, most guys use the shotgun approach to dating and hope to hit something, anything. Then they wonder why they're not happy with the women they meet. Not exactly the best approach for the most important aspect of your life, is it?

Before you join any online dating site, take a step back and figure out exactly what you're looking for. What type of woman do you really want to meet today? That way you don't waste time messaging a really great looking ‘single mom' when you know full well that you don't want children.

If you are an outdoorsman, you probably don't want to spend time messaging a woman that tells you in her profile that she is allergic to the sun. (Yet another reason to actually read her profile.)

It will be well worth your time to understand what you're really looking for! 

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About Dan and Jennifer

  • sehpferd

    Dear Dan and Jennifer,

    your advice is excellent – I love item 10 of your list – it should really be on top of the list, because it is the first thing you should know when you start dating.

    Best wishes

    Gebhard Roese

    Budapest

  • http://pinay-ladies.blogspot.com Single Asian Woman

    I have to say that your articles are worth reading. At first, I thought I’ve read everything I need to know about dating, relationship etc. but after I’ve looked at your site, I’ve just realized how much more I need to know!

    Keep up the great work and expect me to keep coming back to read your latest blog.

    Kudos!

  • http://www.nurturingrelationships.com Jaison Williams

    I will say women are all about connecting with their minds. Just because you’re looking for a quick fling, that doesn’t mean she’s going to respond.

  • http://www.datingadviceformentips.com Dating Advice For Men

    I really need to emphasize more about the profile pictures. It is best to add more than 1 pictures. Seriously, people will find more of your pictures. Be it with your friends, teachers, family etc.

    For me, if you show more pictures of yourself plus pictures with other people with proper caption/tags, that might bring you and her closer as she know what kind of friends and family you have.

  • Singleman

    Mistakes 1, 2, and 3 in particular stood out to me. Forget about the winks and flirts and crap like that. Send an actual MESSAGE!

    A recent photo is rule #1. You must look the same in person as you do online.

    A lot of people say something lame in the subject – like Hi or Hello or something like that. Too much competition out there. Gotta do everything possible to stand out, and the subject line is a great start.

    Great article overall.