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One, Please

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In an attempt to not write sports and celebrate Hanukkah — neither of which ever happens all too frequently in this guy's world — we present you the second of an eight-part series, "The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour." On the second sundown, it's the gift of: Blogcritics Video!

We've all eaten a meal by ourselves at some point in our life. Same with watching a movie at home. Well you know what? That makes you a pathetic loser. How dare you consume food or take in a flick without being in the presence of others? How on earth will the food and entertainment businesses make any money when we each pursue our own endeavors?

Sure, Hollywood is out of ideas. But it's okay when long ago they convinced the world that movie-going is a group activity, and that a ticket for one is as unnatural as chocolate chip bagels.

Now close your eyes (this may make it difficult to read on, but multi-task for once in your life, Jabroni). Imagine a portrayal of folks at the movie. The ones in a group are having so much fun, aren't they? And just where is the smarmy prick in the theater? Alone, by himself, blabbing on his cell phone, laughing uproariously, and throwing fistfuls of popcorn at the kid who kept kicking the back of my chair, that little shit.

The more I think about it, the less I see several advantages to seeing a movie with others:

• Everyone has to decide on a movie, and since the choice must make everybody happy, it's always the lamest one at the box office. Ergo, the one with Ben Affleck.

• It's not much of a group activity if you can't talk to one another.

• You get popcorn thrown at you by smarmy pricks.

• After the movie ends, there's always this unusual disconnect between one another, as if you feel comments on the movie should commence. Yet since you just spent 90 minutes with thoughts to yourself, you don't know where to begin. That'll happen after a Ben Affleck movie, but you never learn, do you?

It's no wonder Hollywood stays afloat when there's a premonition that double-digit admission fees must be bought in bulk. I have no tangible evidence to back up this assertion, but is sure as heck sounds devious and brilliant, so let's run with it.

Now let's examine the advantages to seeing a movie flying solo:

• No compromise on deciding which movie. Or where to sit.

• And… um…

Okay, one advantage. So maybe it's best to simply wait a few months until the DVD and reviews are readily available. That'll show 'em.

(Oh, and DVDs are a ripoff as well. Better avoid those too. In fact, it's best to simply live in solitary confinement, plotting against the day-dwelling sinners.)

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  • SHARK

    Stuart Larkin Sussman: “…We’ve all eaten a meal by ourselves at some point in our life. Same with watching a movie at home. Well you know what? That makes you a pathetic loser.”

    AHAHAHAHAH.

    Brilliant!

    Now, howz about a funny phrase that will make Dave Barry resign from his job?

    Stuart Larkin Sussman: “…a ticket for one is as unnatural as chocolate chip bagels…”

    AHHAHAHA.

    HILARIOUS!

    Please stop! I can’t take any more!

    Stuart Larkin Sussman: “..Now close your eyes (this may make it difficult to read on, but multi-task for once in your life)…”

    Gawd, yer killin’ me.

    I just wish I could return the favor.

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