Texas woman strikes oil in toilet
DALLAS (Reuters) – An East Texas woman struck oil a strange way when she came home to find her toilet gushing with the bubblin’ crude.
Liela LeTourneau returned from her work as a nurse on Monday to find oil gushing out of everything in her house connected to the water drainage lines, including her kitchen sink and toilet.
The floor of her Longview residence was drenched with a thick coating of what locals call “Texas Tea.”
Coincidentally, the CIA, FBI, and President Bush’s National Security Council announced on Friday that they had solid evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction being stored in various barns throughout East Texas, including the ominously named town of ‘Palestine’ just south of Dallas.
“We’ve also found a connection between some of these farmers and the hijackers from 9/11,” Vice President Dick Cheney told a reporter in a telephone call from an undisclosed location.
He also confirmed that a special Congressional presentation was planned for the beginning of the week.
“On Monday,” Cheney added, “Colin Powell will go before Congress with a PowerPoint presentation that shows conclusive satellite photo evidence of the manufacture and storage of weapons of mass destruction throughout East Texas and Western Louisiana. And there’s no doubt that this is a grave and growing imminent threat of danger to the other states based on the insurmountable—but real secret—evidence that our intelligence services have amassed in recent days.”
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, spent the weekend in a special ad hoc meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Sources close to Rumsfeld said that the military is planning a full-scale invasion which will probably begin with a Marine Division landing somewhere north of Houston.
Officials from Halliburton were invited to submit a plan for the post-invastion occupation, including a cost estimate and a technological briefing as to how the oil from the toilet might be reprocessed into usable crude in a timely manner.
A spokesperson for the President said that no tax increases would be needed to finance this latest endeavor in protecting the security of the American people, and that this was yet another vital step in the fight against terrorism.
“Our motives,” the President said, “are pure, honest, and true—as always.”