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Office Football Fans (And Patriots-Jets)

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Haha, Rex Ryan cries. And he can’t read. And he has gigantism of the head. And he sucks.

But enough about Jets/Pats.

It isn’t until a tough soul-crushing loss that you notice how much you hate the people in your office.

I live in Los Angeles now, which means there are a lot of transplants. My office alone has Steelers fans, Giants fans, Vikings fans, Dolphins fans, Bears fans, Chargers fans, 49ers fans, and weird people who don’t watch football (we call these folks ‘women’). And then there’s me. The Lonely Pats Fan. It’s like a Benetton ad.

Every office has different types of football “fans”. There are the Passive-Aggressives. The people whose teams maybe aren’t doing so hot this year so they take their aggression out on you, oh-so-subtly. “Tough loss by your team this weekend,” they’ll say with a smile. And you can’t punch him ‘cause then you’re out on the street wearing a barrel, dancing on top of a flagpole. Twenty-three skidoo! (This Great Depression has me all nostalgic.)

There are the people who cheer for the wrong teams. Steelers fans who’ve never been to Pittsburgh. Cowboys fans with Canadian accents. Browns fans with sadomasochistic tendencies.

There are the Civilian Experts. The Pseudo-Merril Hoges. The Faux John Claytons. The Blow-Up Sean Salisburys (That might be an actual product). They’ll use their stats and their logic to convince you into believing the Colts are going all the way this season. (Whoops, I sat in some Joe Morgan. Lemme just go wash this off.)

There’s the girl in the fantasy football league who doesn’t know anything about the sport and is winning the whole damn thing. There might’ve been a girl at the end of the day on Monday (Just as I was finally getting over the whole Belichick gaffe) who started bragging that she won the week on that last Reggie Wayne touchdown and was running around the house celebrating. And I might’ve almost thrown my entire cubicle at her. These are all hypotheticals, of course.

But then, worst of all, are the people who don’t watch football. The people who don’t watch sports, in general. What do they talk about? What do they think about? I’m seriously asking, ‘cause I don’t know. I try not to communicate with those types of people. “Hey! Let’s talk about politics and nerd stuff like that! Did you see that latest current event? Boy that was really something!” Who am I, Johnny Newspaper? Get outta here with that crap.

Anyway, blah blah blah Patriots/Jets. They’re really from New Jersey, yadda yadda yadda.

Forecast: Didn’t notice as much talking from the Jets leading up to this game as there was in the first matchup. Huh. Funny how that works. I see big days from Randy Moss, Jerod Mayo and Larry Maroney (Yeah, I said it). No Kris Jenkins in the middle of the field means our Running Back Train will have a pleasant Sunday.

Prediction: New England 30 New Jersey 17

MVP – Larry Maroney, scoring thrice. Yeah, I said it (again). And this time, Bill: FOR CRISSAKES, PUNT!

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About Ethan Booker

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Browns fan…s?

  • ebooker

    @Suss: I seen one once! He had himself a bullum head!

  • Grampie Bob

    17 points? Five field-goals seems like two too many for me. I also think there is no way in hell they can get a safety on us. No son, the New Jersey Jets will score no more than 9 points, and Faulk goes wild!

  • ebooker

    @Dad: Case of Yuengling they score double-digits.

  • Grampie Bob

    Hell, your prediction was off by 4 points.

  • zingzing

    that is some pretty good predictin’ right thar. and right on maroney too… you watch this game before the rest of us? actually, i didn’t watch it, because i hate the pats and the jets aren’t worth having any opinion on these days.