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Obama’s Crotch Itch Problem

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I finally figured out why Obama so often looks uncomfortable, impatient and annoyed. He never seems to be a totally normal guy; one who can enjoy his public opportunities to eat local foods and indulge himself like a real American enthralled with delicious unhealthy foods. He is unable to joyously let loose and just be a happy black guy able to live in a millionaire’s McMansion and have a shot at being president after hardly learning how to be a senator. Why?

Deep down Obama wants to scream, because he is suffering from a severe case of crotch or jock itch or, more correctly in his case, bitch itch. As a presidential candidate in the public limelight 24/7, he restrains his natural desire to vigorously scratch his inflamed, drive-you-crazy itch, which is named Hillary. His wife understands that it has not resulted from any intimate physical contact with Hillary and surely feels his pain, though Mrs. Obama must continually remind Barry that he cannot afford to let his incessant itch overcome his well-honed professional capability to hide the truth and keep smiling. Obama compulsively strives to be the super-successful black man he and his wife have been waiting for.

So Obama courageously keeps talking; selling change, but unable to change his own misery. Silently and grinningly, he bears the pain and discomfort that is always wriggling in his consciousness, like some alien indestructible life form. Often, he must pause between words as he tells himself to resist the temptation to openly and brazenly acknowledge his pain – to just scream at the top of his lungs. Now, you can better understand his various loony statements; he stays just one tempting moment away from dropping his messiah façade, falling off his pedestal and loudly screeching “Hillary is driving me freakin’ crazy and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

So now you know the rest of the story. Every time you see the big Obama grin, remember what is driving him nuts – the Hillary itch that grows more irritating day by day; the itch that just won’t go away, and might eventually cause his mental heat to melt his politician cool, causing him to throw away his self-righteous script and scream obscenities as he confronts his pain.

Just imagine how stressful it is for Obama to stay so supremely confident, defiantly resisting that most human urge to scratch his Hillary bitch itch. His obsessive ambition to be the first black American president seems strong enough to resist rational human response. Is that the kind of person we want as president? Someone with such yes-we-can self-control, unable to boldly fight his pain because doing so might jeopardize his ego-soaked quest for the ultimate power? I see a character defect.

Obama seems too cerebral. I want a president that knows how to scratch his itch. If he cannot act on his pain, how can he act on my pain and the pain of many millions of other Americans?

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About Joel S. Hirschhorn

Formerly full professor Univ. of Wisconsin, Madison, and senior official Congressional Office of Technology Assessment and National Governors Association. Author of four nonfiction books and hundreds of articles.
  • akrob

    Who is showing more obsession to be president? Is it the cool and controlled or the one who is screaming and drinking whisky and beer to please. Besides, Obama is not offering to scratch your itch; rather, he is offering to empower you to fight your itch. Make a choice between

    1) A president who screams at the top of her lungs “I will fight for you,” and promised plunge this country into more wars (obliterate Iran) OR
    2) A president who uplifts you with his words and supports you with programs to deal with your problems, and engage in “diplomatic (not military) surge” to make this world more peaceful, and redeem the global image of Americans?

  • bobby

    Black man attacks white woman!

  • Akrob, I’d prefer a president who doesn’t let government get in the way of us solving our own problems and who tells the rest of world to take their socialism and moral weakness and appeasement and ‘fuck off’.


  • akrob

    Who makes us judge over who is morally weak and who is not. Our world has NEVER been us versus them but much less so since the Internet. We’re all interconnected and peace or war in other parts of the world as much as much as what happens in our backyards. Give government a chance: we may know what is good us as individuals but the government considers our common good.

  • Lumpy

    (stands aghast at the thought of the government protecting the ‘common good’)

  • Bennett

    Joel, but what are you saying?


  • Ann

    So, in other words, Obama can’t figure out how to say what he thinks either about his own drive to be president or about his opponent’s vulnerabilities. Just another wimp-man who can’t string words together. It’s very unsettling to realize that Hillary comes across more masculine and “strong” than he does. Just think about this: He would look sillier throwing back that shot of liquor that she did! It was disgusting to look at, but she looked at home doing it. Margaret Thatcher she ain’t.

  • Arch Conservative

    I don’t find anything at all uplifting about the “Great Ambigious Obama Travelling Dog and Pony show.”

  • Toni

    LOL wow! x3