“Nothing Really Matters”… Again

Back in May the British selected “Bohemian Rhapsody” as their “favorite single of all time.”

Now they’ve done it again, with “BoRhap” taking top honors in the Official UK Charts Company Top 50 #1 Singles of the last 50 years:

The mini rock-opera saw off competition from fellow usual suspects The Beatles to claim the pop crown in a poll to mark the 50th anniversary of the UK charts.

John Lennon’s “Imagine” came in second, followed by The Beatles’ “Hey Jude.” George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord” was at number five.

The Beatles claimed 14 of the top 100 hits, way ahead of any other act.

Other top 10 entries included the Animals’ “The House of the Rising Sun,” Abba’s “Dancing Queen” and the Beach Boys’ “Good Vibrations.”

Allow me to say that I despise “Bohemian Rhopsody” with a fervor that makes want to crush something, anything British. How perverse can one nation be?

I must reiterate what I said back in May:

In many ways I am inclined toward Anglophilia: I buy the whole “special relationship” thing, and think Andrew Sullivan, Christopher Hitchens, and Tony Blair are tits. I am also inclined toward British rock and electronica, though not their pop, which is typically even cheesier than ours.

But, this abomination makes me wonder whether they really got a handle on the whole mad cow thing over there, because picking “Bohemian Rhapsody” as the greatest single of all time makes me want to pull the plug on the whole island and watch it sink under the briny blue if I could be assured that all traces of this sub-parody of operetta clichés grafted onto cheese-metal would be destroyed along with it.

Please don’t take me the wrong way because I refer in no way to sexual orientation, but that song is the queerest piece of studio abortion ever to limp-wrist it onto tape. I HATE every possible aspect of that song: from the nonsensical pretentious lyrics, to the nauseating waves of overdubbed choral vocals, to Freddie Mercury’s lisping diva lead, to the wretchedly awkward lurching from (bowel) “movement” to (bowel) “movement.” Even the rock-out part near the end that I could at least tolerate when it first came out now sounds utterly artificial, strained, grafted-on, and stupid.

Forget arguing about what songs should have been number 1. The fact that the British voted #1 the song I perhaps despise more than any other by an artist that I liked at one point in time – I loved, really LOVED the first Queen album – makes “Bohemian Rhapsody” the greatest DISAPPOINTMENT ever slapped on vinyl (or PVC, or whatever toxic crud they make CD’s out of) of ALL TIME. There was no way to ever take Queen seriously again after that song – which was okay because the group pretty well sucked ass from that point on anyway – but I remember the sick feeling in my stomach when that melted poodle puke dribbled out of my friend’s stereo. I had to go take a nap, and I had really bad dreams. Now I can never take a whole country seriously again. This is a black, black day.

And now it is again.