Like I've always said, if you have beautiful girls in lingerie and they end up bleeding and bruised, you're doin' it wrong. Which is why the Lingerie Bowl, an idea that looks great on paper tucked away underneath one's bed right next to the lotion and Kleenex, failed miserably on execution.
Which is why execution was the only fitting solution. Lingerie Bowl V won't happen this year, marking the second consecutive year the Super Bowl halftime novelty event was canceled.
Maybe TV channels finally realized that the typical 18-35 male enjoys tits and football, but not at the same time. It mixes up the stimuli and if the wires get crossed too much, the age bracket could wind up pitching tents after a long touchdown drive. Like peanut butter and Jell-O, sometimes two amazing products are best left in separate containers.
But the rage these days is for stations not carrying the Super Bowl to offer up alternative programming at halftime. From the makers of Puppy Bowl, Animal Planet is doing a halftime show with kittens, and it's only a matter of time before we see LOLCat Bowl I. Pardon my editorializing, but: DO NOT WANT.
Oxygen will also debut a reality show starring former NFL cornerback Deion Sanders at halftime, which is funny because NBC owns Oxygen and is not only a rival of Fox, but shares rights to NFL games with their News Corp-owned competitor. Apparently it's okay with Fox because Oxygen will air the entire show during halftime and without commercial interruption, so they can't profit from it — at least on that night.
Although if Oxygen were to air the Lingerie Bowl and tailor the format to their demographic, perhaps it would save the concept of bikini-clad beauts playing ball. With two minutes left in the game and the score tied, one of the quarterback-slash-models could drop back to pass, stop, then say, "Wait a minute. We can do better than this! They're just using us for our pretty bodies! I'm going to go back to school and get my Master's!" Empowering Natalie Imbruglia music will ensue.
Feel free to use this plot derivative, Oxygen. It's on the house. The next one will cost you.