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Reaching new lows in the advertising medium: Jenny Craig. Today I experienced the profound horror of both viewing this ad on television and hearing it on the radio.

Here, in modified transcript form, I bring you…The Tackiest Commercial Ever

Attractive, large-ish blonde chick (ALBC): “Standard diet commercialese, blah blah blah blah blah…I was fat. Real fat. Boy, was I fat. But then September eleventh happened.”

HUH? (It’s ok. Stay with me. Yes, she really did go from “I used to be fat” to “then September eleventh happened.” Nonsequiturville, here I come.)

ALBC: I realized that if there was another disaster, I might not be able to help other people. And I’m an elementary school teacher, so that would be bad. Most people have one reason to lose weight. I have 20. (pan across sea of beaming children’s faces). End with American flag and sugar-free apple pie.

The Jenny Craig ad exec who signed off on this campaign procured his own everlasting hellfire backstage pass in advance. The most egregious commercial use of two completely unrelated things since, well, this eBay item, or low-fat pork rinds.

I can only hope a Todd Beamer “Let’s Roll” line of rollerblades isn’t coming next.

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