Technology has finally taken over and the robot apocolypse is now upon us. Bold statement? Maybe. True statement? Most definitely.
Our lives are ruled by cellular phones, which send mind-numbing, cancerous, brainwashing waves through our heads (a tool the government will soon use to control us… if they haven’t already), not to mention our glowing overlords the computers (to which I am obviously a slave already).
Those of us who look foward to the future have Back To The Future-inspired dreams of various hovering crafts (of the board and car variety), as well as Max Headroom dispensing New Coke brand “soda” to us, self drying rubber jackets, silver glasses for no apparernt reason and hats so revolutionary that they are a completely different color depending on which way you’re looking at them, much like life itself. These things sound nice, and they all could still come to be in the next five, maybe ten years, but what most people didn’t count on was a more “Terminator”-like future where all of our technical marvels rise up against their creators, abandoning the Robot Rulez fromI-Robot and gaining total control of what’s left of the human race.
Thanks to Japan (again), unfortunately this inevitable turn of fate has begun way faster than I had originally predicted. People, the seed that will sow the demise of all human kind has arrived, and it’s name is “Nintendogs”. It is a life-like simulation of a real dog where you get to pet it and walk it and feed it and watch it lick itself.
The development of the end of human civilization and the beginning of robot civilization can be traced through Japan to the 5-15 year old bratty girl favorite called Tamagotchi. When it came out I couldn’t quite understand the appeal. Ok let me get this straight – it’s an egg shaped key chain toy with a tiny screen and a miniture digital creature on the screen which you have to feed and entertain otherwise it makes noise and dies? Sign me up. I’m tired of awesome kick ass games where you fight goblins with a 3 foot saber and cut their arms off and beat them to death with them. Why run through a Nazi castle shooting Nazis and wolves and Nazi-wolves in the face with a revolver? I’ll buy myself a Tamagotchi instead so I can waste my time taking care of a digital image with almost no discernable characteristics whatsoever for no payoff whatsoever.
Aside from having no real point at all, “Nintendogs” is just kinda… creepy. Yes, it is a major feat in graphics and interactive “gaming”, but it is the stuff of nightmares. What makes you want to play it? As far as I know there is no function that allows you to kick the dog when it’s annoying or to punch it in the face when you’re just bored with it. I already have a girlfriend I can’t do that to, why do I need to pay for a digital dog? However, I did find a code on the internet that the game makers hide in the game called “The Peanut Butter Code” which actually has the dog lick peanut butter off your balls (Don’t act like you haven’t at least thought about it). That’s something my girlfriend won’t do…yet. This is something that any guy from age 11 to 50+ can enjoy, and I’m glad a true to life game isn’t all just hype.
“Nintendogs” is obviously the beginning of the Android Age and the game will soon be followed by the disturbing and potentially dangerous robotic teddy bear from the movie A.I.. And followed soon after that will be the disturbing and potentially dangerous robot boy from A.I. Hopefully after that will be the extremely homosexual and potentially dangerous sex-bot gigolo from A.I., but I have my own personal reasons for that.
If you’re a skeptic on what could, nay would happen when robots go bad, check out this in depth examination by another internet geek from Android World in their Philosophy of Androids section:
Why won’t they become dangerous? OUR androids will have built in (software) protection (Asimov’s first law) to prevent them from hurting people intentionally. However, it will be very hard to prevent the android from accidentally harming humans in some cases – such as the following. Suppose some person puts poison into the salt container. Then, if the android used salt from that container (thinking it was salt, of course), he might poison and perhaps kill a person.
See what I’m talking about??? The old poison-in-the-salt trick! Gets ‘em every time. What I like best about this speculation of the future is that it’s implying that in the future humans will use androids to salt their food so we can finally end the inconvenience that is salting our own food.
I thought Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire was the end of the world as we know it, but I think this is at least a clear second.