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News of the Day: Keeping the Riff-Raff In

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Oh, when I moved to North Dakota over 16 years ago, I was told it was the place to be, the place to raise my young family because “the cold weather keeps the riff-raff out.”

But actual experience has often felt more like outtakes from the movie Fargo. Things are not just silly, but hyper-silly like those who remain here winter after winter after the riff-raff have fled to safer, saner climes are suffering from permanent brain freeze.

Just within the last few days we’ve had cases of “father of the year” and “best technique for picking up chicks.” And they’re both delightfully loony tunes.

A dad was out driving with his wife and two small kids when he got in a sudden little three-car fender bender. What was his reaction? He told his family to “get out” and, while peeling away from the scene of the accident, he shouted, “Walk straight home! Don’t talk to anyone!” The cops were still looking for him the next morning.

And then there’s the strange case of Redford Turner, lonely, 21 years old, and cruising for teenage girls. At 11:30 on a hot Saturday night in Williston, he pulled into Taco John’s, ordered a Six Pack and a Pound, and paid by tossing a still-slithering, two and a half foot long rat snake through the drive-through window.

He gave the girls a wink and sped off. The police reported that “A telephone listing for Turner could not immediately be found.” I’m sure the girls were disappointed to hear the news.

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