Sometimes amidst all the fun and merriment of the music industry, we forget what it's really all about: money. Sure, it's nice to get them toes a-tappin' and them houses a-rockin', but it don't mean a thing unless those record execs can purchase their weight in blow on a semi-daily basis. And for this reason, I bring you news from the harsher, yuppier side of the biz. This is news from the machine.
Avril Lavigne: She wins my Keanu award for bullet-dodging. First, it was sometime-collaborator Chantal Kreviazuk accusing her of stealing songs. Now, it’s late 70’s rockers the Rubinoos. I’m sure the charges are ridiculous, since there’s no way Avril fans would allow the plagiarism of a 1979 chart hit (although 99% of Avril Fans weren’t born until after 1979). Either way, Avril’s co-songwriter Lukasz "Dr. Luke" Gottwald asserts that he’d never even heard of the Rubinoos (hereafter referred to as the Plaintiffs, since Rubinoos is a stupid and slightly perverse-sounding name), a band who released hits from '77 to '84 and wrote the theme song to a remarkably popular movie about vengeful nerds.
Strangely, Dr. Luke seems to have a long history of co-writing credits including Kelly Clarkson, Daughtry, and Paris Hilton. Obviously just another coincidence. So let’s just quit the speculation and do some side-by-side comparison: Avril Lavigne: Hey! Hey! You! You! I could be your girlfriend! The Rubinoos: Hey! Hey! You! You! I wanna be your boyfriend! Night and day.
Octave Museum: Stephen Brodsky, frontman of the currently-on-hiatus Cave In, announced that his new band Octave Museum was breaking up for unspecified reasons. However, he did provide this delightfully snotty blurb that hints at possible reasons. "We would like to say thanks to all of you who supported our hopes and creativity by buying our album and enjoying it. Also, thanks to all of you who borrowed the CD to put it into your iPod thinking, 'Well, if it comes out on vinyl I'll actually pay for that,' because, you know, you totally were going to pick it up, but you were just broke that week and, you know, like, whatever, you know?"
In case you missed that, he was not-so-subtly attacking people for listening to his music without paying for it because they were broke. He later blamed a turnip for his inability to get blood out of it.
In response, I would like to make this statement on behalf of Octave Museum fans everywhere, "We would like to say thanks to Cave In for making such powerful and creative music for us to purchase and enjoy. Also thanks to Octave Museum for hopping into a recording studio and thinking, 'Well if it sells a lot of records we'll actually go and record something worth listening to,' because, you know, you were totally going to write some good stuff, but you were just uninspired that week and, you know, like, whatever, you know?"
Timbaland: Timbaland is quitting music. Y'know, like Jay-Z. err, like Eminem. Or David Bowie. Wait a minute… something smells stunty. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how the new Timba-manned Duran Duran album goes. It Might Be His Last! Better Buy Four!
Beth Ditto: Famous for being a fat, naked lesbian (seriously), The Gossip’s frontwoman is making her own fashion line for fat girls. Yay Yay! The big business world has accepted you, Beth! She'll be the pleasantly plump Avril in no time. No word on how NME is taking the news.
Prince: BMG has given Big Papa Purple the boot after he released free copies of his new CD with magazines. Now, to the untrained eye, this might appear to be BMG throwing a temper tantrum because they’ve lost their grip on the udders of what has always been a big purple cash cow. But a spokesman said that the move was made because Prince effectively hurt their feelings. It makes sense too. I can’t listen to the Purple Rain Soundtrack all the way through without tearing up a bit. C’est la vie. In other news, the magazine industry is still smilin'. Suck on that harshness, BMG.
Slash: Slash has ruffled some legal feathers for smoking onstage in the UK. Smoking. A cigarette. At a show. in the UK. A regular, nicotine cigarette. In other news, UK legal authorities have announced major headway in their new molehill-based mountain-building project. Also, it’s been reported that things are getting easier and easier out here for a pimp.
My Chemical Romance: After Marilyn Manson said that some of his lyrics were cutting remarks to the band, frontcunt Gerard Way responded that it was a hollow statement because Manson was trying to promote his new record. I also feel that MCR is a big black bag of dog-vomit, but I've got a blog to promote so my comment doesn't count either.
Also, does that mean that Manson wrote that song on the album and those lyrics on the album to promote the album? That is so meta. In other news, Gerard Way announced he would be getting married and that the band has a new album coming out.
Weezer: By keeping their hype alive with constant break-up rumors, the shittiest band to ever write a hit song has finally decided to possibly write another hit song. The album is still untitled but rest assured that I’m burning the midnight oil coming up with the most fascinating ways of calling the album a huge fucking disappointment. “Yeah, but Matt, remember how great the blue album was? What if it sounds like that?” Unless Rivers has managed to build a sonic time machine that can transport me back to the time when anything my best friend’s older brother listened to was great, I’m gonna stick to my guns on this one. The blue album was fun when I was ten years old because I was ten years old.
The Used: "Singer" Bert McCracken has a developed a node on his vocal cords and will likely have to undergo major surgery, which will then probably alter his voice forever. THAT, my friends, is the power of prayer. And now that that mission has been accomplished, I can turn my attention to the looming problem of Matchbox 20’s upcoming album.
50 Cent: He got busted for lip-syncing. 50, of course, claims that he was just thrown off by some pyrotechnics and chose not to sing the first verse in order to regroup. But I’ve applied my handy rule of lip-sync rumors to ferret out the truth (If it looks like a sync, it’s probably a sync. If the artist then denies the sync, it’s DEFINITELY a sync). This would normally be something to try and forget about, but given 50's history of dredging up past hardships for lyrical content, I assume we'll have to hear about it in his next record:
"I got shot 9 times for dealin' some crack out
busted for syncin', they dropped my vocal track out
Bitches think they hard, but they know 50's harder
While they out sellin' dope, I shill for Vitamin"