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News From The Machine: James Blunt, Paris Hilton, Nickelback & More…

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I wrote some derogatory, sarcastic, and downright uncouth things about some recording artists last week. And although it went largely unnoticed by the viewing public, the world’s recording artists responded by behaving in ridiculous ways. On that shaky mandate, I offer you a new set of venom, randomly directed and heartlessly executed. This is news from the machine… again.

RIAA: is paying attorney fees to two individuals who they failed to get money from for alleged downloading. Of course, the RIAA admits no wrongdoing in their life-ruining quest for bigger profit margins. After all, no amount of litigation is too lucrative to make sure that (begin finger quotes here) the artists get their fair share. (end finger quotes)

Sony: After seeing the titan RIAA bleed, über-label Sony has freaked out and turned cannibal, suing the software company that wrote the infamously invasive DRM program that not-so-surprisingly compromised the security on any system it was (secretly) installed on. Yeah, you read that correctly, Sony feels that it is owed money for all of the customers’ computers that they put at risk. God, it must be great being a corporate lawyer.

James Blunt: The most talented guy ever to sell his sister on the internet is now facing accusations that he stole some songs from a man named Lukas Burton during his stint with a management company. Lukas recalled his reaction on his blog: “I simply couldn’t believe that the universe was going to repay me with such abject treachery.” Lukas, when I listened to Blunt’s album, I felt the exact same way.

Remy Ma: Terror Squad member and intensely forgettable rhymestress Remy Ma has been involved in a shooting incident in New York. Remy Ma is denying any involvement in the attack, which is likely the most craven words ever to come from a member of a “Terror Squad.”

Paris Hilton: At a time when most people are still enjoying a nice cuddle-slumber after the intense Par-gasm that was her brief incarceration, Hilty By Association (that should sooo be her pseudonym) is heading back to the record studio. And like a rudely awoken post-coital dreamer, the public is already making plans to grumpily mumble and roll over. I’m sorry Paris, but no matter how much money or how many producers you send in there, you’re not going to come out of it as a pop star. At least the first album had the element of surprise.

Lily Allen: has a third nipple. I saw it. Like her music, I found it pleasant but not an experience that I would pay money for.

Morrissey: In a beautiful insult to fellow egomaniac Madonna, The Mozman issued this zinger: "I wouldn't be surprised if she made that African boy she adopted into a coat and wore him for 15 minutes, then threw it away." It’s too bad he said it though, since “The Boy Who Became A Coat” and “Worn For Just 15 Minutes, Then Thrown Away” would make excellent titles for Morrissey songs.

Nickelback: Wins this week’s award for undeserved negative overreaction from a crowd, church, or hotel chain. Chad “If Everyone Cared” Kroeger was apparently dropping the F-bomb in a most family-unfriendly manner, and their Prince Edward Island audience responded with verbal displeasure. However, Councillor Rob Lantz understands that calling out a “bad boy rock star” for misbehavior is likely to just encourage it. He’s fuckin’ right, too.
(Feel free to add your own Nickelback/Canadian Outrage jokes. There’s far too many for me to list on my own.)

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About Matt Dupree

  • Mark

    I’m singing “The Boy Who Became A Coat” to the tune of “The Boy With The Thorn In His Side” right now. It doesn’t quite fit, but it could work. Best – heck, only – laugh I’ve had all week. Thanks!