“It’s been a long time. I shouldn’a left you without news from the machine to upset you.”
Welcome back friends. I had hopes of never writing this column again, seeing as how well my lawsuits against those thieving filesharers are going. I’m not technically hurt by the piracy, I’m just suing to keep the courts busy. Besides, isn’t the point of all the illegal downloading litigation merely to make sure somebody — anybody — gets punished for this whole digital revolution? I mean, what kind of world are we living in when a man and his billion-dollar record industry can’t inspire paralyzing terror in the hearts of bedreadlocked hoodlum History majors?
I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget to take my (court-ordered) Valium and I start to rant. Anyways, here’s all the news that fits… the corporate agenda.
Pete Doherty: Looooooooves the drugs. Seriously, if he could marry drugs, he so would. I’m still not sure why everyone keeps calling this “Music news,” except I think he used to date Kate Moss (also a big fan of drugs) and she sometimes dates musicians I think. Either way, he’s back in court and wasting valuable space on TMZ.com all over again.
Scott Weiland: Also loves drugs. He loves them so much that a band full of old members of Guns N’ Roses could no longer overlook his adoration for the fairer substances and gave him the boot. Thankfully, he’s moved on to other projects so as to provide sustenance for his many hungry veins.
Stone Temple Pilots: The band that kicked Scott Weiland out before he went to Velvet Revolver has welcomed him back, presumably since their other project Army of Anyone flailed like a man on fire. A tour is planned, but no details have been announced. It’s assumed that the reunion will last until the cost of having to deal with Scott “Sober 'Til Noon” Weiland outweighs the benefits of blowing a week’s per diem on hookers and candy.
Apple: Recently surpassed the lovingly metallic, cuddling arms of Wal-Mart in music sales to become the #1 music retailer in the nation. I, however, am still unconvinced, and will continue risking my life by wading through poor people to shop at that giant blue disappointment next to the Home Depot. Where else can you get the smell of McDonald’s fries while you shop in a hip-hop section where every mention of drugs, guns, and black empowerment has been lovingly stripped out and you can pick up NASCAR-themed bed sheets on your way out?
Bob Dylan: won a Pulitzer! This is amazing news since it means that some “professional journalist” is sitting alone and Pulitzer-less while Bob Dylan shrugs and tosses the thing in his awards-only rubbish bin. And so long as they don’t give Grammys to writers, we win! Wait… Garrison who?
George Michael: He’s back after 17 years to tour the US once again. Tickets are going fast, but the real hot item for die-hard fans is the staked-out stalls of nearby public restrooms.
Weezer: Unfortunately for Weezer fans, plans have moved forward on the release of their new album. Keeping with the ancient tradition that giving the album a name would rob it of it’s power, the band has chosen to self-title the new release. This will be the third self-titled release for Weezer, after their “Blue Album” and “Green Album.” Suggested nicknames for the new album include “The Unnecessary Album,” “The No-longer-ironic Arena Rock Album,” and “Rivers Cuomo Still Feels Out Of Step With Society.”
Guns N’ Roses: Is now depriving us both of a new album and of Dr. Pepper. After the soda company announced they would give out a free can of DP if GNR released Chinese Democracy before 2009, Axl was pleased. He was not, however, pleased enough to stop stalling on his already-finished album. According to his management, Axl is simply trying to arrange the release with a record label, which means Axl is asking for a billion dollars and an honorary degree in Fuck-all… and the record labels are quizzically waiting for him to stop being crazy. Looks like we’ll all be one soda thirstier this year.
Rikki Rockett: Rikki Rocket Raped a Recent Rooter. A recent rooter, Rikki Rockett raped. If Rikki Rockett raped a recent rooter, where’s the recent rooter Rikki Rockett raped?
(sidenote: for those who didn't know, Rikki Rockett is from the band Poison. Don't worry, he's not memorable.)
California Assemblyman Charles Calderon: I’m torn. Charles Calderon has proposed a measure that would expand a 75 cent sales tax to include music downloads. On the one hand, it’s crass money-grubbing, and I’m totally down with that, y’all. But then again, internet downloads have gotten to be such a moneygrub as they are, that this could simply drive those filthy hippies right back to the torrents.