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News From The Machine: 50 Cent, Amy Winehouse, Pearl Jam, and More

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In personal news, I was very confused by the announcement of the 2007 MTV Video Music awards, since when does MTV have anything to do with music and/or music videos? After a small bit of research (the only one for this article, promise), I realized that MTV has been known to play videos which sometimes feature background music. Like once, during an episode of Made, they played that “Hey There Delilah” song. And then later, on an episode of My Super Sweet 16, they played that “Hey There Delilah” song. I get it now.

But all has not been well with the rest of the musical world! From flying cellphones to flagrant use of the N-word, the industry has been absolutely buzzing with tension. It’s the kind of thing that makes execs want to curl up around a big pile of money and pay someone to cry for them. So let’s bring all you little folks up to speed:

YouTube: That dastardly purveyor of videos about crazy pets and gnarly skate tricks has apparently been moonlighting in copyright violation, according to the NMPA. The NMPA (The MP stands for Music Publishers, decipher the rest yourself) is one of those groups that helps out music publishers and artists by vigilantly suing the shit out of people. I am also launching a lawsuit against YouTube for the grievous mental anguish I suffered watching that “Chocolate Rain” video.

Amy Winehouse: The sobriety-disinclined singer checked into the hospital with the announcement that she had suffered severe exhaustion. I imagine that diagnosis didn’t actually come from a doctor, since I think a doctor might have said something more like “Oh my god, It’s melting the stomach pump!” As is cursory in cases of exhaustion, Amy cancelled the rest of her tour. True to form, she’s still not going to rehab. Although given her recent actions, I’d say we’re just about due for a new song.
“They tried to make me do a concert…”

W32.Deletemusic: This is the greatest idea I’ve read about in a long time. As named, It’s a computer virus that destroys music files on infected computers. I’ve long held the idea that dumb people should not be allowed to listen to music, and this virus is an indirect execution of that idea. If people aren’t smart enough to protect themselves from a computer virus, or to keep some sort of backup for their music library (like some sort of compact disc perhaps), then they’ve earned a one-way trip to silence-town. But alas, as certain as I was that this would finally destroy Aly & AJ, the virus proved to be a dud and few computers actually became infected.

Universal Records: Listen up, execs, because this affects you. Universal is selling DRM-free music. For all that is lucrative and tasteless, we cannot allow this to continue. If Universal makes a dollar on the idea that listeners should do what they want with what they buy, other companies may follow. And if consumers don’t have security-compromising DRM software on their computers, how will W32.Deletemusic be able to get in and delete all their music (thus forcing them to buy more music)?

Al Sharpton: Our country’s loudest advocate of black people stuff is back, and this time he’s fighting words… with words. Al’s scorn is upon the words “Nigga,” “Bitch,” and “Ho.” Al is proposing an official moratorium on the words to replace their current system of control, which is based mainly on white guilt and spell check. In a completely out-of-context statement, Dr. Dre said that some of these words will be easier to subvert than others. “Bitches ain’t shit” Dre remarked, “But hos…” The gangsta rap community, whom the moratorium is passive-aggressively targeted at, seems to be taking it in stride. And since they’re not actually trying to curb misogyny, violence, or self-degrading profanity, I think it’s fair to say it won’t cause too many ripples even if it isn’t ignored.

Bayside: You may know them as that one band whose drummer died, or you may know them… well, okay you probably just know them by the dead drummer. But take it easy on them, their drummer died. Anyways, Dead-drummer band Bayside recently began a fee-based fansite. The yearly fee will allow fans access to all the dead drummer news and message boards they could ever want. If you’re really a fan, or if you’re really sorry about their dead drummer, you’ll fork up the thirty bucks. And if you’re thinking that Bayside has made efforts to capitalize on the tragic death of their drummer, shame on you. Their drummer is dead, show some pity (in money form please).

50 Cent: The vitamin-water magnate/movie star/target dummy is having a hell of a week. He kicked it off by announcing that he would stop making solo albums if he didn’t outsell Kanye on the day their albums both drop. Now, they’re apparently going to debate on television. I think 50 cent should debate himself on whether or not George Bush is a cool guy, since he’s taken both sides in the past. Either way, 50’s resolve appears to be failing after the leak of his new video on YouTube prompted him to storm into Interscope headquarters and throw a very un-gangsta tantrum. Yeah, nobody was injured, 50 just threw his phone and shouted that they were ruining his image. Judy Garland staged nastier outbursts.

Chris Cornell: has never communicated. Ever. If you think he did, you’re wrong. So if you chatted with someone online who said they were Chris, they were lying. Or if you were listening to a Soundgarden album and thought he was singing discernible lyrics, you’re also mistaken. In his first statement ever, Chris said recently “Under no circumstances, under any name or address do I or have I ever communicated or corresponded with anyone online or otherwise.” So all of you trying to decipher the lyrics to that one Audioslave song (you know the one) can give it a rest. It’s all gibberish.

Pearl Jam: The last vestige of grunge rock limps a little prouder today, as they’ve proven that they can still ruffle a corporate feather or two. During one of their many Bush criticism moments, the band was unceremoniously censored for using the phrase “George Bush, Leave this world alone.” AT&T, which produced the censored webcast concert, claims that they only censor excessive profanity and that it was a simple mistake. The incident has certainly raised a few free-speech eyebrows, and I for one feel that it’s about time we asked some hard questions about whom we allow control of our media. This administration thinks that it can bully support just because it is only accountable to itself, but they’ve underestimated the awesome power of the people!

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About Matt Dupree

  • Dave

    The only ones holding on to “grunge” are rock writers who were either there, or wish they would have been. Time to move on.

  • http://culturesalad.blogspot.com Ray Ellis

    While I don’t understand what Dave’s comment had to do with your article, I found your piece very amusing. In fact, I make it a point to read your pieces every week.

  • Raeann

    You should remove the strikethough on the exclamation point. :P

    This administration is awesome! W0ot!

  • Jay

    80’s Super group foreigner is amazing no matter what you say!

    and as always, this aint a couch its a god damned loves seat!