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News and Commentary: Yesterday’s News Today, Not Tomorrow

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Since the same things happen day after day, it takes a reporter with a nose for the unusual to keep readers from falling, nose first, into the computers. It's a shocker, let me tell you that. But I digress. So, since nothing ever changes, I thought I'd snoop around and tell you what you wouldn't have read had you the chance.

  • O.J. Simpson's would-be publisher, Judith Regan, was fired Friday according to AP, her sensational, scandalous tenure at Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. ending with the tersest of announcements. Gadfry Daniels, boys and girls, gimme a break. Now, as if the skies opened and the blazing Light of God's truth was shed upon, the human race is demonstrating decency. Sorry, Charlie, but another few babies just died in Darfur. Of course the book was stupid — but look how many stupid heads supported it until a Benedictine monk, tippling a bit on B&B, threw up all over his copy, and the sinful publishers took it as a sign from God. Sheesh.
  • It seems that America's finally getting tough with prisoners.  Authorities at the Guantánamo Bay detention facility have clamped down decisively in recent months. Don't you just love waking up on the wrong side of Alice's Looking Glass? Excuse me, but I'm about to yell. ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS? GET TOUGH? (Thank you.)  "Okay, you banana heads, no more free camel rides, you're going to have to watch PBS 24 hours a day, you have to face west when you pray to Allah, and anyone actually saying Allah will have his mouth washed out with his roommate's urine.  Bacon and sausage for breakfast." Here we've got a group of people, most of whom are probably innocent of anything, being treated like slaves, and the U.S. Army (Be As Fucking Mean As You Can Be) decides it's gone too soft.

  • The U.S. military is planning to move a brigade of troops into Kuwait in what could be the first step of a short-term surge of American forces into Iraq to stabilize the violence. That's 3500 troops, boys and girls. Let's see, we have, what, about 150,000 troops there now? Wowza, that's a 2.333333333% increase! That's going to show those Shiites and Shamans and Sharmas and who gives a damn, a real pause in the pooping, I'll tell you that. I'll bet our 150,000 young men and women re-enacting Vietnam for a new generation are just doing a hora around a Muslim they just burned at a stake. What a great country.

  • This has to be a joke, but it's on ABC's website. But a young captain serving in Iraq's violent Al Anbar Province has offered a simple explanation of what the problem was in Iraq and how to solve it. Among his observations is the importance of having a moustache in Iraq. He had a lot of other cool ideas, but he was just killed. We're going to have to move on, your intrepid reporter's rhetoric machine is spewing vile bile all over the place.

  • This falls under the category of news I'd never have suspected, as professional a journalist as I am. This afternoon, Army Col. David Sutherland, commander of forces in Iraq's Diyala province, said that the Iraqis don't trust us. Speaking on a video link from Baquba, Iraq, he said "Public perceptions of corruption, inequity and fear are the driving force behind support to terrorist organizations." Well, darn it but I didn't know we had those problems in Iraq, and I want to be the first to publicly congratulate former Col. Sutherland… oh wait, it was probably just a joke by Donald Sutherland, that cut up. 

  • And, finally, in the category "Stop It, You're Killing Me," this company that's building fences to keep illegal immigrants from the promised dung fields got nailed yet again for – you guessed it – hiring illegal workers. They've agreed to pay nearly $5 million in fines. If there is a more stupid animal on the planet than Homo Sapien, please let me know.  

So, once again, we say a fond farewell. Happy trails to you, until we meet again, happy trails to you, keep drinking Jameson… Yes, boys and girls, it is the one bright star in the firmament, the Rock of Gibralter, the piece de resistance upon which all can depend:

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • D’oh

    Well Mark, it seems like you might be feeling a bit better, cynical and acerbic…but better.

    Keep it up