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News and Commentary: What Day Is It and Which Day’s News Am I Up To?

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Okay, so the article I wrote yesterday got published today for reasons that will remain unspoken since the fickle finger of fate points a moi. Which means that, when it got published, you were reading yesterday's news today, which is not the point of these articles. I'm trying to at least bring you today's news today or even tomorrow's news. The life of a journalist is hard, I tell you.

But if write one now, it'll look like I don't know what day it is since there will be two of them on the same day. The LOAJ is also confusing.

Wait. Got it. I'll use dates to help you keep track of the invaluable information I'm providing.

Dateline: December 17th, 2006 12:15 a.m.

  • Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called Saturday for elections to end his violent standoff with Hamas – a gamble that Palestinians will back him as he seeks to weaken the Islamic militants, avoid civil war and keep momentum for peace overtures with Israel. One result: Hamas attacked and killed Palestinians. Now call me crazy, but if there's this big (relatively speaking) country I want to eliminate, I'm not going to kill the guys who are supposed to be on my side. Think Iraq — how dumb is that? They get their country back, and they're too busy killing each other to enjoy it.
  • Sen. Evan Bayh on Saturday ended his White House bid while 2004 vice presidential nominee John Edwards finalized plans to get in, fast-paced jockeying in a Democratic race under the shadow of two unannounced candidates. Wonder who those are? I don't get it. Bayh quits two weeks after he does the obligato "I'm forming a commmittee?" Even former Virginia Governor Mark Warner lasted longer than that, and I had 20 bucks riding on his winning, the prick. It's not like either of those guys didn't know what was involved. Wait a minute. I'll bet it's the old skeletons-in-the-closet schtick. Let's see. What would Superman, er, Walter Cronkite do at a time like this? That's it, Bayh and Warner were secret lovers, and they knew the story would leak… sorry… if they both or in fact if either of them ran. 
  • The system in Iraq for detaining, charging and trying suspects has become another weak link in the rule of law. Well, that one wins the "duh" award for news you couldn't have predicted. So much for the vaunted New York Times, "All the news that fits we print." Must have been a very slow day. Of course it's hard to get a legal system up and running when neighbors kill neighbors, everyone's corrupt, and people are starting to think longingly about what's his name. What idiots.
  • Well, it's happened.  "You" were named Time magazine's "Person of the Year" on Saturday for the explosive growth and influence of user-generated Internet sites such as YouTube, Facebook and MySpace. The ego-fication of America has finally reached its apex. Narcissism has become the value du jour, nay, value du life. It always was just about me, but these pubescent wastes of good Internet space celebrating mememememememememememe are enough to make you want to devolve into an ape.

And that, without further ado, is that. There was so much more, but until I can figure out what day this is and which news I'm supposed to be covering, I'm going to walk my talk. Y'all know what I mean.

In Veritas Jameson

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • Clavos


    Could you repeat that from the beginning please? I was looking for a pencil…

  • D’oh

    You know Mark, if you put your Jameson’s in the coffee for breakfast, your day may just look a bit brighter.

    I could be wrong.

  • Dear Clavos,




    D’oh–silly boy, I don’t get up til 1 or 2 p.m. due to a strange affliction that resembles narcolepsy although I’ve never had the urge to sleep with the dead. But I do put Jameson in my cereal when I do get up. Does that count?

    In Jameson Veritas

  • D’oh

    Of course it counts , Mark.

    Funny that yours would be the only household whose Rice Crispies go “snap, crackle, ‘hiccup’, begorrah!”

  • D’oh,

    Gonna run right out an’ buy me some of t’em Rice Crispey’s yer talkin’ about. What a beautiful fuckin’ song tat would be, eh?

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Time made you Person of the Year just so they could get you into bed.

  • Clavos…

    what you mean? bed as in the beast with two backs? my bride would never allow that…don’t play Jude the Obscure with me. am a fellow with too few functional brain cells left.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Clavos

    Uh, Mark. Look again. That was Suss, not I.

  • Picky, picky, picky.

  • It’s easy to confuse Clavos with me. We both just recently won a prestigious magazine award.

  • Clavos

    My wife says I’m very detail oriented…

  • “bed as in the beast with two backs?”

    Still doing it missionary style, Mark?

  • So, what, like Time Magazine thinks we’re a bunch of narcissistic children?

    Their jealousy is showing.

    Because they can’t edit, change, and transmute the Internet into what they want the message to be must be very frustrating.

    Oh, and they can’t charge us for it, either.

    They’ll find a way.

  • Hey, Suss & Clavos, congratulations on winning Time Magazines Homo Sapien of the Year. I hate to break it to you, but so did 5 billion other people. Me, I turned it down.

    And Suss, at my age, I’m happy when I can do it at all. Ever since I wrenched my back with that trapeze and tub o’ jello, I’ve been told by my doc to take it easy.

    Pat, I don’t much like TIME either, but I worry about the loss of the print media. My age is showing again, but I do love printed things, books & magazines & newspapers & recall notices & legal summonses…you know, the things that make us americans.

    In Jameson Veritas