Okay, so the article I wrote yesterday got published today for reasons that will remain unspoken since the fickle finger of fate points a moi. Which means that, when it got published, you were reading yesterday's news today, which is not the point of these articles. I'm trying to at least bring you today's news today or even tomorrow's news. The life of a journalist is hard, I tell you.
But if write one now, it'll look like I don't know what day it is since there will be two of them on the same day. The LOAJ is also confusing.
Wait. Got it. I'll use dates to help you keep track of the invaluable information I'm providing.
Dateline: December 17th, 2006 12:15 a.m.
- Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called Saturday for elections to end his violent standoff with Hamas – a gamble that Palestinians will back him as he seeks to weaken the Islamic militants, avoid civil war and keep momentum for peace overtures with Israel. One result: Hamas attacked and killed Palestinians. Now call me crazy, but if there's this big (relatively speaking) country I want to eliminate, I'm not going to kill the guys who are supposed to be on my side. Think Iraq — how dumb is that? They get their country back, and they're too busy killing each other to enjoy it.
- Sen. Evan Bayh on Saturday ended his White House bid while 2004 vice presidential nominee John Edwards finalized plans to get in, fast-paced jockeying in a Democratic race under the shadow of two unannounced candidates. Wonder who those are? I don't get it. Bayh quits two weeks after he does the obligato "I'm forming a commmittee?" Even former Virginia Governor Mark Warner lasted longer than that, and I had 20 bucks riding on his winning, the prick. It's not like either of those guys didn't know what was involved. Wait a minute. I'll bet it's the old skeletons-in-the-closet schtick. Let's see. What would Superman, er, Walter Cronkite do at a time like this? That's it, Bayh and Warner were secret lovers, and they knew the story would leak… sorry… if they both or in fact if either of them ran.
- The system in Iraq for detaining, charging and trying suspects has become another weak link in the rule of law. Well, that one wins the "duh" award for news you couldn't have predicted. So much for the vaunted New York Times, "All the news that fits we print." Must have been a very slow day. Of course it's hard to get a legal system up and running when neighbors kill neighbors, everyone's corrupt, and people are starting to think longingly about what's his name. What idiots.
- Well, it's happened. "You" were named Time magazine's "Person of the Year" on Saturday for the explosive growth and influence of user-generated Internet sites such as YouTube, Facebook and MySpace. The ego-fication of America has finally reached its apex. Narcissism has become the value du jour, nay, value du life. It always was just about me, but these pubescent wastes of good Internet space celebrating mememememememememememe are enough to make you want to devolve into an ape.
And that, without further ado, is that. There was so much more, but until I can figure out what day this is and which news I'm supposed to be covering, I'm going to walk my talk. Y'all know what I mean.
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