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News and Commentary: Uh Oh, It’s Tomorrow

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What can I say? It 12:20 a.m. which means I missed Thursday's N&C article, which doesn't bother me all that much because it was a boring day. Let's face it. You can count on 100 civilians being blown apart in Iraq, something bad to happen in the Sudan, China to increase its pollution by 10 percent more, Russia to something nasty, and the French to produce wine, glorious wine… and cognac and armagnac.

So, let's pretend it's yesterday so you can get tomorrow's news today, which, after all, is the goal of your intrepid reporter.

Dateline:  Bordeaux, France 29 December 2006 –  Mon dieu mais les francais produit le vin extrordinaire, which I think means, "Holy Helen of Troy, them Frenchies knows their wine."

  •  It turns out that the much heralded reduction in violent deaths is causing many painful deaths.  Think of it this way — fewer murders, fewer organs for transplants… or so says the The New York Times. See, you can't do anything right these days. Some poor little kid is waiting for a heart transplant, and those lousy scum-swimming hoods aren't killing anyone. Betcha they're doing it on purpose.
  • Most anniversaries aren't worth the lint dug out of a corpse's belly button, according to Walter Cronkite in an unpublished article that was to appear in The Atlantic Monthly, but got spiked when the Atlantic's lawyers actually read the piece. However, there is an anniversary more than worthy of our notice: Jon Stewart is celebrating TEN YEARS as chief lunatic on The Daily Show. Now, you might ask, is this news? Is this why I'm putting up with you so you can tell me that some shrunken faux-journalist has been fooling the country for ten years?  You're damn right. A poll that should be released when I've finished it finds that 82% of unwed mothers rely on The Daily Show for 65% of their news. The other 35% comes from their children. Most people don't know that Stewart invented the Internet, discovered global warming, and solved Watergate. Hey, it's worth a candle to put on his cake if nothing else.
  • Real Men Tell The Truth:  The Liberal Avenger, a blog dedicated to a liberal seeking to avenge for wrongs against… well, to tell the truth, I haven't read that much of it but, the LibAV asks a question that is on no one's mind — but should be: "Could the Timing of Saddam's Execution Be Too Convenient?" Mr. Avenger raises the question that Saddam's most heinous crimes were committed using chemical weapons furnished by Ronald "The World is My Credit Card" Reagan and George "What's a Credit Card" Bush. Mr. Avenger boldly asks, "Does Bush not want to see his Dad brought up for war crimes?" Personally, no one has raised this issue with our intrepid reporter to date. It's possible that Mr. Avenger is just trying to raise his blog-o-readership with unproven allegations. Or maybe proven allegations that no one cares about. Either way, we'll be hearing more from this lad.
  • Wake Up and Smell The Pheromones:  Leave it to a commentator in the right-wing, neocon, half-fascist New York Times to discover that middle school aged girls are turning into sluts. Attending a school function where the future home wreckers of America were strutting their stuff in costumes designed for gnats while some slut singer was singing songs about… well you know, writer Lawrence Downs comments on "how completely parents of even younger girls seem to have gotten in step with society’s march toward eroticized adolescence — either willingly or through abject surrender." Hell, boy, admit it. Like your intrepid reporter who's too old to do anything about it, life is passing us by. 

On a personal note, as I sip my cheap armagnac because the uber-editors of this rag won't pay me the dollar or two that I'm worth, I would like to thank all the little people who've made this possible. But, if I did, they'd want more money too, so fuck 'em. And remember…

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • Bliffle

    That’s all very interesting, but what happened to Brittany?

  • D’oh

    From the Weird Affairs Desk:

    Britney is losing fans, so we don’t care

    The Chinese are taking over the Web

    And finally,Clones are food too, and tasty to boot!

    “It still ain’t gotten weird enough for me”

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    See today’s issue for the answers to all your questions.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • D’oh

    Since today’s ain’t up, and this one is billed as tomorrow’s…

    dec 30th is the Man’s birthday.

    always upward!

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    well, press my britches in the bosom of abraham…D’oh, tis yer birthday today????

    i sort a realized I hadn’t one for today…but I’l now certain try…

    Remember…

    In Single Malt Veritas

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Since Mark hasn’t put one up for today, I’ll just bump and highjack this one. It’s for a good cause, some end of the year lampooning…sort of.

    for the big E and the Missus…Eric and Dawn

    For having us all here.

    And for Phillip who helps make it possible.

    Only three links per comment…more to follow.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    For Mark and his Jameson’s

    To Mr. Nalle

    Just getting Fun.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    To duane because astrophysics is as cool as Tom Waits.

    For troll for warmth under his bridge in timelessness.

    And of course, SHARK who knows the Way.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Took some thought, but for Jet.

    For big Al.

    and to Richard, who I will always think of as gypsyman.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    So there’s a little greetings card, enjoy the Party!

    Try something completely different once in a while.

    Happy New Years!

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    A last thought for this thread, a noble sentiment for a New Year.

  • troll

    thanks for the tune D’oh and Happy New Year….for your viewing pleasure

  • http://ruvsroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    Mark, I know you had no intention of covering any real news but I think you managed to mangle your assignment by covering the Liberal Avenger’s questions. Saddam Hussein’s hanging was too damned convenient for the American government. Not q peep came out about America’s involvement in building the bastard up and making sure he stayed in power until, for reasons unbeknownst to me, George H.W. Bush decided to stick a knife in the bastard’s back for swallowing up a neighboring country without permission.

    Have a healthy 2007 – and get your butt home before it is too fuckin’ late!!

  • duane

    D’oh, thanks for the nice words, the link, and the implicit advice. Glad you’re back. BC is a lot more fun when you and your other alter-ego are around.

    Happy New Year, all.

    I just decided, based on Mark’s article, to add a resolution to my 2007 list:

    A lot less effort devoted to thinking about the sluttiness of middle school girls.

    That should free up some time to devote to the pursuit of #3 on my list:

    More smoking and drinking (my doctor says I don’t have enough bad habits).

  • Clavos

    duane,

    Can I have your dr.’s name and phone #?

    He sounds a lot smarter than the quack I’ve been going to.

  • http://www.diablog.us Dave Nalle

    D’oh, thanks for the song, though I’m not a big Rage fan. I prefer the selection you had for Mark, actually.

    But here’s one for you for the new year.

    Dave

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Ruvy, I take the greatest offense. What do you mean not cover real news. I’ve yet to make up one story (I think) and my new co-conspirator, D’oh is a man of unspeakable intregrity.

    This is taking an awful lot of time, though, and doesn’t leave me much for other writing. Plus, that damn Tse Tse fly keeps reinfecting me. I might as well be a dog, sleeping 14-16 hours a day.

    Anyway, this is news, American style. What would you transplants know. Have a great new year–even if the goyim decided on the date.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIMW5iYFGhM D’oh

    Well, you got unspeakable right, Mark.

  • http://ruvysroost.blogspot.com Ruvy in Jerusalem

    “my new co-conspirator, D’oh, is a man of unspeakable integrity.”

    The only thing new about “D’oh” is his name. A fellow with the greatest integrity, he’s been your co-conspirator for quite a while…

  • http://parodieslost.typepad.com Mark Schannon

    Oy, Reuven, cautious already with the “hints.” We don’t want them knowing about this. It’s a secret.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • MAOZ

    Timing of Saddam’s execution? Erev Asiri beTevet (the eve of the 10th day of the month of Tevet). 10th of Tevet, the day we commemorate (with fasting and prayer) the start of Nebuchadnezzar’s siege of Jerusalem. Saddam reportedly saw himself as the reincarnation of Nebuch.

    I’d say the timing of his execution was excellent. (This Asiri beTevet I wasn’t quite sure whether to fast or to celebrate.)

  • Ruvy in Jerusalem

    MAOZ,

    All the more proof that there is no such thing as a coincidence. It’s all in G-d’s hands and He gives us hints to let us know that He is doing in our enemies, one by one.

    According to the Torah Code, it is the messiah who gets to do in Osama bin Ladin, so we may have to wait a bit for that bastard to die. But, if that is true, there will still be war after the arrival of the messiah, as he will be doing the fighting.