What can I say? It 12:20 a.m. which means I missed Thursday's N&C article, which doesn't bother me all that much because it was a boring day. Let's face it. You can count on 100 civilians being blown apart in Iraq, something bad to happen in the Sudan, China to increase its pollution by 10 percent more, Russia to something nasty, and the French to produce wine, glorious wine… and cognac and armagnac.
So, let's pretend it's yesterday so you can get tomorrow's news today, which, after all, is the goal of your intrepid reporter.
Dateline: Bordeaux, France 29 December 2006 – Mon dieu mais les francais produit le vin extrordinaire, which I think means, "Holy Helen of Troy, them Frenchies knows their wine."
- It turns out that the much heralded reduction in violent deaths is causing many painful deaths. Think of it this way — fewer murders, fewer organs for transplants… or so says the The New York Times. See, you can't do anything right these days. Some poor little kid is waiting for a heart transplant, and those lousy scum-swimming hoods aren't killing anyone. Betcha they're doing it on purpose.
- Most anniversaries aren't worth the lint dug out of a corpse's belly button, according to Walter Cronkite in an unpublished article that was to appear in The Atlantic Monthly, but got spiked when the Atlantic's lawyers actually read the piece. However, there is an anniversary more than worthy of our notice: Jon Stewart is celebrating TEN YEARS as chief lunatic on The Daily Show. Now, you might ask, is this news? Is this why I'm putting up with you so you can tell me that some shrunken faux-journalist has been fooling the country for ten years? You're damn right. A poll that should be released when I've finished it finds that 82% of unwed mothers rely on The Daily Show for 65% of their news. The other 35% comes from their children. Most people don't know that Stewart invented the Internet, discovered global warming, and solved Watergate. Hey, it's worth a candle to put on his cake if nothing else.
- Real Men Tell The Truth: The Liberal Avenger, a blog dedicated to a liberal seeking to avenge for wrongs against… well, to tell the truth, I haven't read that much of it but, the LibAV asks a question that is on no one's mind — but should be: "Could the Timing of Saddam's Execution Be Too Convenient?" Mr. Avenger raises the question that Saddam's most heinous crimes were committed using chemical weapons furnished by Ronald "The World is My Credit Card" Reagan and George "What's a Credit Card" Bush. Mr. Avenger boldly asks, "Does Bush not want to see his Dad brought up for war crimes?" Personally, no one has raised this issue with our intrepid reporter to date. It's possible that Mr. Avenger is just trying to raise his blog-o-readership with unproven allegations. Or maybe proven allegations that no one cares about. Either way, we'll be hearing more from this lad.
- Wake Up and Smell The Pheromones: Leave it to a commentator in the right-wing, neocon, half-fascist New York Times to discover that middle school aged girls are turning into sluts. Attending a school function where the future home wreckers of America were strutting their stuff in costumes designed for gnats while some slut singer was singing songs about… well you know, writer Lawrence Downs comments on "how completely parents of even younger girls seem to have gotten in step with society’s march toward eroticized adolescence — either willingly or through abject surrender." Hell, boy, admit it. Like your intrepid reporter who's too old to do anything about it, life is passing us by.
On a personal note, as I sip my cheap armagnac because the uber-editors of this rag won't pay me the dollar or two that I'm worth, I would like to thank all the little people who've made this possible. But, if I did, they'd want more money too, so fuck 'em. And remember…
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